How to train a fuckboy
From fuckboy to boyfriend in ten easy steps
(Disclaimer: This article was written purely for fun and none of the advice should be taken seriously. It is a satire and meant purely for entertainment purposes. It does not mean to belittle, slut-shame, or hate on men. It simply address the comical and fictional character of a “fuckboy.” As for the ladies reading this article, you should never have to work/change yourselves to turn a douche into a proper man. You are all amazing the way you are.)
You want them to love you, but you should have your fuckboy repellant handy, just in case.
Step one: Visual stimulation
Above all the fuckboys, like most breeds of men, are visual creatures. The way to their attention is through their eyes. In order to train them to be boyfriend material, one must first attract one. The best time to do this would be at their natural habitat: frat parties.
They come in all shapes and sizes but for the most part they can be easily spotted through their clothing and attitude. Watch for snapbacks, sunglasses on even though the party is in a dark house, loud voices and those “wooos!” that are heard over the music.
Check the watering hole for these creatures frequent it a lot, also known as the bar.
In order to attract them the creatures must be able to see skin. A lot of skin.
Step two: Be straightforward
These creatures are use to being the ones who take the first step in attracting a mate, so they’ll be caught off guard if you’re the one who initiates things.
Catching the fuckboy off guard is very advantageous for you. You stand out…which makes them curious for more.
When it comes to being honest, don’t be afraid to say exactly what you want. When it comes to rejections they’re use to vague rejections as most mates who are disinterested simply ignore or ghost them.
So don’t beat around the bush, these creatures sadly lack the ability to take hints, no matter how direct.
Step three: Watch for the key lines
“Wanna come over and watch Netflix?” is a cliche for these savage creatures to reel their prey in for a session of not Netflix but just mating.
“I don’t like labels” is a way for them to avoid being direct with you about your status together.
Watch for key lines they may use on you so that you are braced for EVERY possible situation.
Being one step ahead of them is crucial and if you give off the impression that you know them well they will be even more intrigued at your psychic abilities (even though they’re just hella predictable).
Step four: Carry around fuckboy repellent
They can get out of hand sometimes. A simply spray bottle should suffice.
Or find their weaknesses – like if they’re ticklish and use it against them.
Step five: Be conversational
Be easy to talk to and not afraid to tease the creature.
Their simple minds are for the most part filled with the thought of mating with you, so get their minds to wonder elsewhere by being conversational. Tell them about all the places you’ve been and things you’ve done that might interest them. If you’re seen as exotic that will add an extra thrill to the creature as they adore challenges.
Encourage them to then share their stories with you. Most of the creatures have histories that they don’t tell most people. Make them feel comfortable enough with you that they will share these stories and feelings.
This will make them view you differently and find a comfort in being around you.
Step six: Challenge them
The fuckboys get bored with the same old hit and run. Don’t make yourself readily available but make them work for it (because after all you’re worth it). Draw in the creature for a few days and then act disinterested or aloof suddenly.
Be careful with this tip as you do not want to hurt the fragile fuckboy’s ego too much and his simple mind may be confused and therefore annoyed by this odd behavior. Balance it so that they want to continue the hunt but you still have the upper-hand for when and where your rendezvous occur.
Step seven: Be cute
The assumption is the creatures only want their mates to be HOT but this only fuels them in regarding their mate for only breeding purposes.
Don’t be afraid to be your awkward and quirky self. Share things you’re really passionate about (whether they want to hear it or not) and geek out about your hobbies and interests.
Getting to know you and seeing those cuter and more natural sides to you will intrigue the creatures. They will begin to consider your personality more so than your physical attributes
Step eight: Be attentive
Be there for them in their time of need and reach out to them on your own. They’ll be happy to know they have someone to fall on when they can’t keep up their egotistical and loud persona (I know it’s rare but it happens…).
If they fail to fall through when you need them then simply move on. You don’t need that kind of slacky behavior in your life.
Plus there’s plenty of these creatures in the sea (unfortunately fuckboys breed well).
Step nine: Get crazy
Don’t be afraid to go a little ape shit on them occasionally. Especially if you’re an emotional drunk lash out a little at them when they mess up (or even when they don’t).
You’ll get to weed out the ones that can’t handle things when the going gets tough, and find the ones that might have more depth than a teaspoon. Because if they can’t handle you at your left shark, they don’t deserve you at your right shark.
Step ten: Know how to rock the boat
They’re fuckboys after all. Get with their pace.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
● A guide to every fuckboy outfit you’ll ever witness and inevitably fall for at some point
● The ‘after breakup’ playlist for when you’re finally done dealing with that toxic fuckboi
● These girls wore real texts from fuckboys and went as fuckboys for Halloween
Aziz Ansari talks about the sexual misconduct allegations against him for the first time
‘I hope I’ve become a better person’
In a gig on Monday night, Aziz Ansari talked for the first time about the allegations of sexual misconduct made against him last year. During a massively oversubscribed gig at Village Underground in New York, Ansari said he hopes he has "become a better person." Vulture first reported the comments. The site said Ansari led…
Instagram now tells people when you screenshot, so just throw away your whole damn phone
Who thought this was a good idea!?
by Caroline Phinney
Lately, Instagram has sucked for a lot of reasons: posts are no longer in chronological order, influencers are reportedly being screwed out of money, and now, on top of everything else, Instagram alerts someone when you take a screenshot. Is nothing sacred?! Long gone are the days of snapping pics of your ‘friends’ and then…
People are slamming Bumble for an ‘abusive’ ad campaign involving painting endangered elephants
“No one should even consider climbing on an elephant’s back”
by Nian Hu
Bumble recently launched in India and celebrated with a launch party at City Palace in Jaipur. Instagram posts and stories reveal that the CEO Whiteny Wolfe Herd and various celebrities were in attendance. Several photos of the event show elephants being ridden with the Bumble logo painted on their faces. According to PETA Executive Vice…