All the shitty things people say to you as a bisexual girl
‘Just pick a side already’
by Sarah George
If you thought that the legalisation of same-sex marriage in every US state last year meant the end of problems for LGBT+ folk, think again. Despite the fact that one survey by YouGov found that nearly half of respondents aged 18-24 would not identify as heterosexual, the B in LGBT is all too often overlooked, and people have some pretty shitty things to say to bi babes such as myself. I realised that I was bi, and admitted it very reluctantly to myself, when I was 17. By that time, I’d already heard so much hate for bi women that I thought that how I was feeling was ‘wrong’.
Because everyone loves to shout about their opinions online, I often saw biphobic content when I was trying to waste my time on my laptop; journos say we are faking our sexuality to make up for our dull personalities, Twitter is full of comments proclaiming that being bi is a phase, and lesbians on dating apps sometimes even state that bi girls (who have been tarnished by the fact they like dick) need not apply. Turn on the TV and you’ll be hard pressed to find a bisexual lady character to look up to, and if you do, chances are she’s going to die. Inspiring.
But it’s not just an internet thing. People are more than happy to be vocal with their biphobia. When I came out to a friend, she said “sorry, but I just don’t see you as bi”. Well, what the fuck am I meant to look like? When I had short hair, I was told I looked masculine and therefore had to be gay in denial, and now that I’ve grown it out and look more feminine, a family friend told me I was “too pretty to like girls”. Knowing I couldn’t be alone in this, I reached out to other bi writers to ask about the misconceptions, annoying questions, and gross things that they hear, and so many of them were all too familiar.
‘How can you tell you’re bi if you’ve never had a partner/ only had male partners?’ – Erin, Altanta
How do you know you’re straight if you’re a virgin or have never been kissed though? My history does not define what I enjoy. I mean, Elton John had a wife but that doesn’t make him any less gay. If you’re looking for a more detailed answer, I know because I, like Katy Perry, kissed a girl and I liked it, I sometimes wank thinking about ladies, and whenever I see Scarlett Johansson I feel gooey inside.
‘So… are you gay now?’ – Lexi, UK
Yeah, I got my rota, I’m gay Monday to Wednesday then straight the rest of the week. If a bi lass wants to call her relationship with a gay girl a ‘lesbian relationship’, that’s her choice, but being bi isn’t a part-time thing. Being with a woman doesn’t invalidate my bisexuality, being bi doesn’t mean I’m gay and in denial. So many people think there’s such a thing as Schrodinger’s Bisexual- she’s both gay and straight when you’re not looking, and then as soon as you see her on a date, she’s either one or the other.
‘So…are you straight now?’ – Lexi, UK
I told you, I’m straight Thursday through Sunday. Duh.
‘So you just fancy everyone then?’ – Kate, Colorado
If you’re a straight girl, you don’t look at 100 percent of guys you see and fancy them, because some of them just don’t float your boat. The same goes for lesbians, who are certainly not making heart-eyes at every woman in the world. I’m not any different. Just because there are more genders that I like doesn’t mean the amount of people I fancy suddenly skyrockets. It just means that when I go and see a superhero movie, I enjoy looking at lady butts in catsuits as well as all the chiseled abs.
‘That’s hot’ – Sarah, UK
People think this isn’t a gross thing to say because it’s positive, so they think it must be a compliment. They’re wrong- it’s fetishizing, and it’s the reason why so much girl-on-girl porn is produced for male audiences. But how do you know it’s for male audiences? Well, for one, the fake nails. The fact that UK porn standards also forbid depictions of female ejaculation is also a pretty big giveaway.
My sexuality isn’t a performance for your enjoyment, it’s a part of who I am. If I kiss a girl, it’s because we want to kiss each other, not because we want to please any boys who may be watching.
‘If you kiss/sext/sleep with a girl, is it still cheating? It’s not, right?’ – Sara, UK
And if I run over a stunt double, he won’t be dead or injured. Saying this invalidates the fact that when I kiss a girl, my feelings are just as real and valid as if I kiss a guy.
‘Oh, you’re bi? Neither me or my partner are but will you have a threeway with us?’ – Emili, UK
Why, can’t you satisfy them yourself?
‘You only like girls because you haven’t had any good dick’ – Imani, Georgia
I like girls despite the good dick I’ve had. Doesn’t matter how good the sex is, it’s not gonna turn me straight.
‘I don’t trust bi girls to date. They’ll just leave me for the next hot man that they see’ – Sarah, UK
If you think it’s just straight folk who say shitty stuff to the bi community, you’d be shocked at how many lesbians have the same biphobic mindset. There is a little subculture in the lesbian community that insists that unless girls are totally gay, they must always be secretly craving dick and therefore eventually cheat, which is ridiculous, because gay rights are bi rights too. We are all in this together. Also, considering the fact that most women are straight, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot by narrowing down your already limited dating pool.
‘If you’re with a man, you can’t be part of the LGBT+ community any more’ – Ely, UK
What do you think the B is for? Saying this also invalidates the fact that your male partner may also be part of the LGBT+ community, which is pretty damn arrogant.
‘You can’t say you’re bi because bi means two and there are more than two genders. Being bi is transphobic’ – Leah, Carolina
People who say this are just trying to get you to call yourself pansexual, but why cave in if you’re happy with how you identify? Trans women are women. Trans men are men. I like cute men and cute women. Also, people who are neither women nor men can definitely be my type.
‘You’ll grow out of it, it’s just a phase. In a few years you’ll realise you’re just gay/straight’ – Christina, Miami
Spoiler alert- I’m not going to pick a side. Even if I marry a girl, I’m still gonna think guys are hot, and even if I marry a guy, I’m still going to think girls are sexy.
‘It’s not a real thing, you’re just doing it for the attention’ – Georgia, UK
You mean, so that people will say all of the above shitty stuff to me, so that guys will fetishize me, and so that lesbians will tell me I’m “not gay enough”? Sure, I’d totally put on an act for that, never mind the fact that half of my family don’t think bisexuality exists or don’t approve of girls liking girls, or the fact that f my closest bi friend and their girlfriend get abuse shouted at them every time they hold hands in public. Type “being bi is” into Google, and one of the top suggestions is “being bi is hard”.
If you think that being bi gets me an outstanding amount of positive attention, consider going back to the top of this article and reading again. I’ll wait.