Confessions: What’s the weirdest thing someone’s said to you in bed?
Please, just shh
Deciding what to say, and how much to say, and how loud to say it during sex is a predicament we all face. The general consensus seems to be that if you stick to the basics, the “oh yeahs” and “ahhs”, you’ll be fine. If all else fails though, just avoid these faux pas at all costs.
So, me and this guy were talking a lot on Tinder. He was extremely cute and funny, so I invited him over to this hookah lounge which was pretty dark. I couldn’t see his face but I noticed he was being really quiet and he was a lot smaller in size than I thought he would be. After hookah, we went outside – it was still dark but I could tell something was off. We get to my apartment, and then I finally realize this guy is a completely different person. I didn’t know how to react or if I should say anything because I had never been catfished before and I kept telling myself maybe he lost weight now and he used a really good filter. I tried to convince myself, in the bathroom, that he wasn’t that creepy, or that maybe we could still be friends – but when I come back he’s laying in my bed naked. I start yelling at him and telling him to leave and he’s like “I know you like this, I’m gonna show you what you want”. I keep telling him I’m not into him like that and he needs to leave and he says, “Have you ever drank blood before? My ex used to cut me and drink my blood you should try it”. I had to text a friend to come over and help me yell at him – so eventually he left.
A guy I was having a one night stand with was creepily obsessed with my skin – specifically how soft it was. He kept telling me it was “Soft like a baby’s” and complimenting my “amazing porcelain skin.” After the fourth or fifth time I flat out told him to stop talking. Mid sex.
Everything was fine. We were having normal, standard, good sex. We were also both absolutely wasted. So when there was a muffled “I love you” in the middle of it, it took me a minute to process. I don’t think we even stopped. It was only afterwards, lying next to each other and staring at the ceiling, that it was awkward. You know the conversation: breath returning to normal, unforgiving pale blue light, a car alarm going off somewhere, a person you don’t really know well enough to have that conversation, being forced to have that conversation.
“So you know that thing you said-“
“Yeah I mean that’s – “
“Oh yeah obviously.”
I was really drunk and I just kept shouting “advance” really loudly.
My ex-boyfriend called me his ex-girlfriend’s name. He said it didn’t mean anything. We broke up quite soon afterwards so I’d argue he was lying.
“Do you know what I really want? [Pause] A blow job?” this was literally in the midst of having sex.
A really sexy guy I was close friends with asked if he could come over to hook up with me while my parents were away (this was high school). He was super hot and had been kinda hitting on me for a while so I thought why not. It took him about an hour to sneak out of his house. When he finally got here, we started making out, I got on top of him and started riding and a few minutes in, he says “you know, I feel like we’re too close of friends to have sex. Like you’re really hot and all but I don’t feel like we have a sexual connection”. As I’m on top of him. I kicked him out and went to sleep.
One guy I was sleeping with quite regularly one evening grabbed a chunk of my thigh and was like, “I really like this fleshy part”. “Fleshy”. We stopped sleeping with each other regularly after I reckoned he was basically fat-shaming me by stealth.
While this wasn’t actively in bed, after we had hooked up and were just chatting, this guy started telling me about how when guys get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night they don’t like to turn on the light and sometimes they just pee all over the bathroom. Quite strange topic for pillow talk. He told me that women probably don’t have this problem, and I just thought, yeah, because we’re smart enough to turn the fucking light on.
I hooked up with a guy in a club. He seemed nice, reasonably good looking and funny. We ended up back at his where I started giving him a blowjob. He came on my face within minutes, walked towards the door, said: “You know what this is” and walked out.
I had been hooking up with this guy pretty regularly, and it was usually better than average sex. One night, after a few minutes, he told me that he was pretty tired and if he could just finish that would be great. It was the biggest mood killer of all time. I told him to finish on his own, walked him to the front door and went to sleep.
We had slept together a handful of times, and I thought I had made it clear that as a woman, I wasn’t a delicate flower and could actually be fucked. I brought this up in bed, and he responded: “I just want you to ride me like a gentle unicorn.”
“You can’t put the condom back on once you’ve taken it off.” In my defense, it was my first time.