In sex, as in life, there are many things we wish we could say, but can’t because it’ll hurt someone’s feelings, can’t because it’s awkward, can’t because they’ll get offended, can’t because you’ll lose out on sex. But while you might not be able to tell someone directly how you feel, you could easily cop out and passive-aggressively share this article instead. Hopefully that will make them stop doing these things. We just want to help. We’re just being honest, OK?
Pushing your hand down to their dick
Yeah, I know. We’re getting off, and we will probably end up having sex, and I know that that is your dick, and I know that you’ve got an erection. But what I don’t need is a guiding hand, showing me where it is. It seems really childish, like: “Here is what you do next”. I know, and now I’m not going to touch it for a bit, because I’m petty.
Making literally no noise at all
Are you enjoying this? Are you asleep? Are you still alive but barely breathing? Please indicate that I am doing something you enjoy all I can hear is the deafening silence and the bed creaking and in a few more thrusts I’m going to have to get up and put on music just because this is too much.
Making too much noise
Generally speaking, we’re supposed to be the ones making more noise here. Not like Brazzers level screaming, but a pleasant amount of “ah, this is a lovely time”. Except in this scenario, I can’t tell you I’m having a lovely time, because I cannot get a word in. A few gasps and moans are quite good, you feel good about them, like you’ve been such a molten-hot lover that they’ve let them slip out against their better masculine judgement – but a grunt for every thrust, “oh yeahs”, screaming your name/their name/God’s name is too much. I feel like I’ve gone to an immersive theatre event.
Going for anal
“Oops”. Really? Don’t pretend you just got a bit lost – you know exactly what you’re doing. “You might like it.” Unless we’ve been together for a few years and have exhausted the generic stuff, I’m probably not that keen.
Excessive – excessive – choking
Don’t get me wrong, there’s something seriously hot about being handled with force. Pull my hair, throw me around, lightly choke me, but don’t use sex as an excuse to restrict my windpipe and make me turn blue in the face. It’s good to wake up feeling sore, but I’d rather not have to go to work with a hand shaped bruise around my neck.
Throwing my underwear across the room
Sure, it feels pretty fun and frivolous at the time, but it’s also a major inconvenience when I’m trying to leave your house with as little awkwardness as possible the following morning.
Coming in my hair
I washed it today.
(see also: saying they want to come on your face then “accidentally” getting it in your hair).
Too many compliments
It’s nice to feel liked sometimes, but it’s something else entirely having to brush off several “you’re so hot”s in a row. Thanks so much, but honestly, can we just get back to it, because I feel like I have to say thank you everytime you say it and it’s killing the vibe. Also I can’t think of one to say back.
Not wanting to wear a condom, or making you feel bad when you ‘have to’
“They’re just uncomfortable” – do you want to know what is fucking uncomfortable? Pregnancy and childbirth. So I’m so sorry that you might achieve a marginally less satisfying orgasm (at least you always get one) but I kind of see that as a good trade for not having a lifelong dependent.
Coming inside you and then assuming you will just get the morning after pill
Yes, I’m aware it was stupid not to use a condom, but this was a two way decision and I’m going to end up fucking up my hormones and potentially spending 30 quid. You just lay there expecting me to sort out this mess tomorrow.
Not knowing how to take a bra off
And then saying “this is a tricky one”. Jesus, look, it’s fine – just let me do it.
Immediately wanting me to get naked
I spent good money on this underwear set, and you haven’t even looked at it before you’re pulling it off.
Too much eye contact
I’m afraid of intimacy.
Asking if you like that
This is an invite for me to talk dirty and I’m painfully aware of that. I’m also painfully aware of the fact that nobody can do talking dirty well. It’s also not a good opener to what is quintessentially quite a cheesy sexual practice. What am I supposed to say other than “yeah”? “Yes, thank you”? “It’s OK?”
Waking you up to have sex
This can be quite fun, but seriously it’s 5am and I am probably sleeping blissfully only to be awoken by you prodding me in the back. It’s likely I’ll have morning breath and if we’ve been out the night before I am hungover.
Too much kissing
It’s not that I’m not pleased by how into it you are but I need to breathe please let me come up for air.
Too much lip biting
One time I literally had a fat lip. Know when enough is enough.
Really just having a go on your boobs
Nipples are sensitive by nature and I’m a bit afraid I’m gonna lose one of mine after this. It is neither fondling or gentle nibbling. I am in so much pain.
Going straight IN in the morning, no questions asked
Ah, I’ve just woken up and I’m being penetrated. Wonderful.
Wanting to do doggie the whole time
No contact – absolutely none and not even an acknowledgement – of the clit for the whole session
It’s like a cheat sheet to better sex and you’re only making things harder for yourself for ignoring it.
Pulling your hair
When you’re describing something as “tugging” during sex, you’re probably getting it wrong. The image this conjures is of a doggy-style scenario that you’ve gotten a little excited about, and want to exert your painful authority over me. A little spanking, sure. Leave my hair alone.
Pushing your head down while you’re giving them head
No, pushing my head down onto your dick will not make me want to go deeper. In fact it’ll probably just make me gag and that’s just embarrassing for everyone. Let me go at my own pace, you manoeuvering my head isn’t exactly a confidence boost. If you want something different just tell me.
When a guy asks if you can do a thing their ex did
“Can you try and do it like this? Becky used to do it like that and it was great.” Firstly, stop comparing me to your ex. Secondly, why don’t you just try something new? Even if you’ve thinking it, please don’t say it out loud.
When a guy realises you’re enjoying something and then gets really fucking lazy so, just does that one thing. It’s predictable and boring, don’t get complacent. Actually, being lazy in general.
Making you suck their fingers
It was cute for a minute but I really don’t know what you’re getting out of feeling the inside of my mouth this much, hun.
By Grace Vielma, Meg Davies, Roisin Lanigan, Bella Eckert and Lizzie Thomson.