Confessions: Your worst fuckboy experiences
A selection of weird, gross, and absurd encounters with our favourite kind of guy
Most of us ladies (and probably some gentlemen), have all had that moment. A guy seems relatively normal, or at least not like a complete douche, but then he does something entirely unexpected, and you realise, yup, he’s a fuckboy. Here are some encounters that show the shockingly large number of ways that fuckboys have of screwing up things that are pretty straightforward (like hooking up or eating at a restaurant), and horrifying babes in the process. These are not your average “he never called me after we hooked up” stories.
Note: Names have been changed to protect innocent babes.
I gave my number to a guy outside of a club and then got into a cab with my friends. Within literally five seconds of leaving him, he texted me immediately asking for nudes. Then, fifteen minutes later, he sent me his address as though I was going to come to his house at three in the morning and bang him after not responding to his request for naked pics. Like, our chat outside the club was not that good.
I was waitressing and this middle-aged man who had been eating with his friends came up to me and actually offered me £750 for a picture of my boobs. The worst part was that I had to be polite to him. When I told my manager, he asked them to leave the restaurant and poured me a big glass of wine at the end of my shift.
This is such a stereotypical St Andrews situation, but one time a guy who was hitting on me at a bar actually that announced his family was the fifth wealthiest in the UK (I can’t remember if that’s the actual ranking). When I laughed at him, he told me if I didn’t believe him I could google his name the next day.
After getting with this guy in first year, I was trying to fall asleep when out of nowhere he goes ‘I don’t cuddle’. I had been sleeping on the other side of the bed not even touching him, so I just said ‘OK, cool?’ and continued trying to sleep. He ended up telling me about how he was ’emotionally damaged’ and cried over his ex. I’m pretty sure after that he stopped attending lectures to the class we were both in.
Another time, I woke up to a message my booty call had sent me at 4 a.m. that said “Hey, I know you’re probably fast asleep right now, but if you want to start your morning off right, let me know.” My biggest regret is not keeping the screenshot for posterity. Also, I’m still not entirely how schlepping to his house for mediocre sex constitutes ‘starting the morning off right’, because to me that means staying in bed with coffee and donuts.”
I took a guy as my date to my sorority formal who I didn’t know super well. Throughout the course of the date, we found out that he had gone to the same school where my aunt was a teacher. He then proceeded to go on about how he ‘had her the year her husband died’. He could have recovered if he had realised how problematic that was, but he just never did. So after mentioning my dead uncle (and just not understanding how awkward and uncomfortable that was), he kept pushing me to leave early and go home with him. Dude, talking casually about a girl’s dead relatives is not the way to pull.
I brought this guy home from party, and the next morning he told me he was 31 and would not stop talking about his band. So of course my flatmates and I googled him to see if the band was any good (we did not have high hopes). We found his Twitter account, and his bio described him as a “husband” and “juggler of many things”. Juggler of many things seems about right, considering he had failed to mention his wife the night before. An oversight, I’m sure.
I had to physically pull a guy out of me. When I asked him to pull out because we weren’t using a condom, he got confused and asked if I was on the pill, when I told him I was but it was only 93 per cent effective, so I would be more comfortable if he pulled out. This turned into a whole argument about how the last time we had sex he hadn’t pulled out, and when I explained that I had been drunk and would rather he pull out this time, he said “93 per cent effective is good enough for me”. I literally yanked him out of me. I ended up having to stay the night because I didn’t live in the same city, but the next morning I woke up early and snuck out. He clearly didn’t understand how much of a douche he was, because seven months later he texted me asking to ‘get a drink or something’”.
I brought this guy back to my halls, and when we got there, he kept asking if he should get a condom from the desk, despite my repeated assurances that a condom would not be necessary as we were not going to have sex. He really had a hard time believing this (because who would dare turn down such a fine specimen??), but it was OK. When we got back to my room, things got really weird. He asked me if I had ever heard of a song called Danzon No. 2 (I hadn’t). Then he played it while making out with me and stroking my back in time to the song. Needless to say, I was not exactly upset when he got up and abruptly left in the middle of the song.
*If you want to understand how awkward this experience was, listen to the song here: