Things I’ve learnt from being a sub girl in a BDSM relationship

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Things I’ve learnt from being a sub girl in a BDSM relationship

Just because I’m subservient in the bedroom, doesn’t mean I am in life

The release of 50 Shades of Grey sent the world of kinky BDSM into the public sphere. However the novel was criticized as portraying an abusive relationship, as emanating rape culture rather than the truth into the Master/Mistress and Sub/Slave domain.

With controversy rife it can be hard to distinguish between rape culture and BDSM. I spoke to a fully committed sub who spends time outside of her professional career submitting to her Master and fulfilling his every wish. If she doesn’t comply she will be met with nipple clamps, whips, rope, and gags, all to her pleasure.

Here is her story:

What most people don’t understand is that I consent to be treated as a slave. Just because I wish to be subservient in the bedroom doesn’t mean I am in life. For a few hours of play I can lose control in a safe environment. I can be at someone’s mercy and not take charge, and there’s nothing more liberating than that.

Before I had my Master I barely came, even during good sex I was left unsatisfied. I felt like I needed more and was always pining after my partner to treat me rougher. A few years ago I was making out with someone in an office and they choked me against the wall. As they did my nipples hardened and I could see the pleasure in their eyes as I was there helplessly, and that’s where it all began. I needed someone to tell me I was their bitch – to be someone’s possession made me feel less alone.

Understandably this can be distressing to hear, but it is consensual. This lifestyle is more than kinks and whips, it’s about power and respect. And I respect my Master.We live a normal life outside of our play, and it doesn’t always consist of sexual activities. We do date and we go out for dinner.

We met through Whiplr, and then chatted on Fetlife. These are like the kinky versions of Tinder and Facebook. We both knew what the other wanted from their profile, and then we started going on dates, built a trust and got to know one another, then engaged in play. You don’t usually meet them and ‘dive right in’, how are you meant to trust someone you don’t even know?

I have been chastised by close friends when I disclosed the nature of mine and my dom’s relationship, they felt as if I was degrading myself by following his orders. However, I challenge that. As I said, I choose this lifestyle, and I choose my partner. I am in as much control as him in terms of initiating and terminating play or the relationship, I am his equal, but I choose to serve him.

True slavery and the subordination of women means that you do not have control over the situation, but if I tell him to stop, or use the safeword, then that’s fine and the play terminates. He will check I am okay. If I have had a bad day, then we won’t play to ensure I don’t go outside my limits and cause emotional damage, he cares for me and I see nothing wrong with fulfilling his sexual desires, because he does mine.

Admittedly I used the play to train myself. I was unruly as a teen – sassy, backchat, complete disregard. But my first Master spanked that out of me, and how can’t you respect someone after that? I’ve learnt more life lessons in submission than in secondary school.

To put your entire body under someone else’s power is empowering in itself. You have to trust them to understand and respect your limits but still open yourself to be their plaything and be willing to submit to their fantasies as much as your own.

I’ve had relationships which resemble that of ’50 Shades’, where Sir will beat me blue because he’s had a bad day, lost money in the office, or just because he can. There’s a difference between a guy who wants a hole for his cock and someone who wants his penis worshipped. And if someone is giving you some of the deepest pleasure, and pain, you have ever succumb to, don’t they deserve to be worshipped? BDSM is more than just meaningless abuse, it’s being served or having someone serve.

It’s living out your fantasies in a controlled environment. For me it’s submitting to one of the few people who can take control of me.

Punishments can consist of verging, humiliation, and spanking. Punishments are used so I can become a better partner for him and teaches me how to display him the proper respect and honour he deserves.

Currently I only serve one Master and I have been his for the last few months. Every morning I wake up and he will be online waiting for me. From here I am his. I await his orders. I obey his commands. How I behave in the real world is a reflection of him, my attitude and my composure is his work and his discipline. How can I do anything but honour him?

In soft play he will decide if I come or not. He will decide how long we play for, he’s trained me so I only come if he so wishes. If I cum without his permission I will be punished. The lightest of which is losing underwear privileges, which is excruciating. As my Master chooses my daily clothes he will choose something that will tease me during the day, like a sheer top which grazes my nipples or tight jeans which rub against me all day. Once someone submits you to these experiences you cannot help but respect them. It makes you feel sexy, it’s your secret. People will see your confidence, but they don’t know were it comes from.

For me the allure comes from not having control, it’s willingly being under someone’s thumb. I’d say there’s been more commitment, respect, and honour in these relationships than any other. Sometimes life is so hectic, and it’s nice to be with someone who just wants to please you, and who just wants you to please them. Pleasure is paramount. You just have to beg, and plea.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

I’m not ashamed of my Daddy Dom Little Girl fetish
I accidentally got an online sex slave, and it’s actually kind of amazing 
Meet the girl who gets paid to sext

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