Stop assuming I’m trying to date you because I have a vagina

I recently listened to a This American Life podcast that really got me thinking about the assumptions we make about members of the opposite sex.

I’m a girl, have been all my life, and not once has a man ever asked me what I like or don’t like in the bedroom, but more importantly a man has never asked me what my intentions are. Why has he never asked? Because he assumes, and as my brother always says, assuming makes an ass out of you and me.

He assumes that because I don’t have a penis I am in desperate need of his love and attention. He assumes that my only goal is to convince him to change his Facebook relationship status from single to in a relationship. He assumes that sex means more to me, because I am a woman (this one assumption is correct for me, but is not true for all woman and that is exactly my point).

Men aren’t the only ones that make assumptions though, woman are just as guilty. I consistently make the assumption that all men are evil and only want me for my body, and I’m not always wrong, but these assumptions are dangerous.

We make these assumptions instead of having conversations, and this lack of dialogue is a huge issue and causes unnecessary drama, heartbreak and mediocre sex.

Instead of asking our partner what he or she expects out of this relationship we make assumptions based off of gender, forgetting that people are all different and have different wants and desires that are often very different from the stereotypes that exist behind their gender.

We forget that not all men and woman are the same and instead listen to what we are told by TV shows, our friends and the media.

Having these conversations is not only important, so that we don’t miss out on amazing opportunities to create relationships with people that have the same wants as we do, but they are also important for pleasure as well.

The podcast mentioned a teenage boy that was told by his cousin that all girls love neck kisses. His cousin got this information from trial and error with his current girlfriend, and he assumed that because she liked having her neck kissed all girls must.

This teenage boy quickly found out this was not the case when one young lady became disgusted with how much time he was kissing her neck instead of her face.

This example illustrates a much larger problem. Instead of asking our partners what they like or don’t like we assume, and this leads to uncomfortable situations in and outside of the bedroom.

Instead of having conversations about sex, we turn to our friends, the internet and porn. All three of which are not very reliable sources. If you are comfortable enough with someone to reveal the parts of yourself that would be blurred out on daytime cable then you should be comfortable enough with them to ask what they like and don’t like and what their intentions are.

Trust me I know it can be difficult, but the end result is worth it. I once had a boy try and stick his tongue so far down my throat I thought he was going to reach my stomach. So, instead of letting him continue doing this I kindly asked him what he was doing, and proceeded to show him what I liked better. It was uncomfortable for maybe five seconds, but that five seconds was well worth never having to have his tongue tickle my esophagus again for the duration of our relationship.

I also made it very clear to this boy that I was not interested in a relationship with him, but I did like hanging out. Turns out he wanted the same thing, and had been steady pulling away because he thought since I was a young woman I obviously wanted to date (wrong). This lack of communication from the beginning almost led to our romantic demise, but we started communicating and realized we both wanted the same thing.

So next time you find yourself assuming that because a girl double texted you to come over she is trying to tie you down, consider the possibility that she’s just really excited to roll around in between the sheets with you.

Don’t make assumptions, instead start conversations, I promise it will make your life less confusing and your sex more enjoyable.

@TheTab