‘Sloppy seconds’ is just another form of slut-shaming

It’s a commonly held belief that someone who your friend/acquaintance/friend of a friend dated or hooked up with is completely off limits. So then if you do get involved with a person who fits that description, you’re automatically considered their “sloppy seconds.”

This concept is absolutely ridiculous and has no place in today’s society. Granted, there are boundaries that should not be crossed. For instance, if your best friend or a close friend had a serious and lengthy relationship with someone, it’s not right to get involved with them and doing so could cause a hurtful situation. But that’s all about girl code, not just some hook-up repeats.

The idea that just because someone touched a certain person means that you cannot pursue that person indefinitely, is ludicrous.

I have personally dealt with the backlash involved in situations like this. I currently attend a university with a student population of around 33,000. Although it may seem like a large number, in my experiences within the social community, everybody knows everybody. And with those kinds of connections, every girl you know has hooked up with or dated somebody you know.

This made the dating world very difficult to navigate. At first, I was very careful not to step on anyone’s toes, even if they were a friend of a friend who I didn’t personally know, or merely an acquaintance I met during a night out.

I would meet a guy at a party and would get along with him very well, only to be pulled aside by a ‘friend’ and told, “You really shouldn’t be talking to him. He and ‘Kate’ have hooked up before.”

I didn’t even know ‘Kate’ but I knew that if I pursued that guy any further, a whole slew of drama would begin and in the end, I knew that I would be referred to as his ‘sloppy seconds.’

I’ve even experienced the extremes of the ‘sloppy seconds’ concept when I remained friends with someone a friend of mine had hooked up with a couple of times, after the whole thing came to an end. I was outcasted by those I considered good friends, over a ‘relationship’ that was actually nothing.

I had no romantic relationship with this guy – it was purely platonic – so I was astonished when I was pulled aside by someone I considered one of my best friends at the time and given a lecture on how my actions weren’t ‘right’ and that I was crossing boundaries. I was even told that none of my friend group trusted me anymore. And this was all because I was friends with a guy my friend had drunkenly hooked up with a couple of times, and had no intention of seriously dating.

This is basically the complete opposite of female-empowerment, and is a prime example of women degrading other women through another form of ‘slut-shaming.’ Just as women are not men’s property, men are not women’s property either.

Unfortunately, I was just as guilty of succumbing to this insecure behavior in previous times, speaking negatively of any girl my ex got involved with after our relationship came to an end. I eventually realized that all this did was cause unnecessary stress in my life, and if I was moving on, he should be allowed to as well.

These types of behaviors speak volumes to one’s character. If you’re willing to be a part of ‘slut-shaming,’ you’re also willingly participating in the degradation of your own gender.

But women still choose to engage in this kind of name-calling and judgment and it’s time for that to end. Not every relationship and/or hookup is going to last forever, and when it comes to an end, it must be let go of. While it is hard to let go of people in your past, when you continue to hold onto them it not only impedes the happiness of others, but your happiness as well.

@TheTab