One guy said he was Prince Harry
When it comes to sex, we’re all pretty determined – we’ll share single beds in halls with 6ft rugby lads, trek to Arctic-temperature student houses which are “just around the corner”, wear the playsuit that makes your waist look tiny even though you have to get practically naked whenever you need a wee.
But the following people have gone the extra mile, put in the extra effort to seal the deal – in other words, they’ve concocted a bag of lies and occasionally, it’s worked.
‘I’m different from other guys’
This guy I know from my course came up to me on a night out and asked if he could buy me a drink. He’s kind of the course slut so I wasn’t massively keen but you know, a drink’s a drink. He treats girls awfully, he basically owes me a drink.
But then he starts talking about the books he’s reading for the course and how they really resonate with him. All this stuff about how he also has Great Expectations like Pip but knows he will probably have to settle for less – what do you think, he says bashfully – I know this is boring, but I like this stuff. I’m different from other guys.
It sounds so cringey now but I was properly taken in by it, I was like oh my god, he actually reads the books and not just so he doesn’t sound like an idiot in seminars. Before you know it, I’m has turfed you out on the street because he has to get to football practice at ten – have to walk home with an unzipped playsuit. Bastard.
-Mia, 19
‘I’ll make you breakfast in the morning’
He wasn’t really my type – he said “dank” a bit too often and I’m fairly sure I saw him getting with one of my friends earlier.
But life is short, his house was closer and he assured me he was an A+ cook.
However, I wake up in the morning to the sight of his mouldy room and a banging headache, and apparently the closest thing I’m going to get to breakfast is the pat on the head he gave me like an old faithful dog and the stick of gum I’m offered as a parting gift.
-Abbie, 20
‘This is my house’
I was at this amazing mansion party, absolutely off my face and barely able to stand in my now ruined Nikes and yet there are still the classic “When I grow up, I’ll buy a huge mansion like this one” thoughts swirling through my head to the tune of the Pussycat Dolls’ When I Grow Up.
A guy approached me and breaks through the fog of my real estate porn: I’d seen him around the party and mentally sorted him into the “meh” pile. But I nodded and smiled politely at his attempts at conversation because my mama raised me right.
But then he metaphorically dropped the mic: “Did you know this was my house?” Next thing, we’re in one of the bedrooms happily shagging away and I’m imagining my new life as lady of the manor. That is, before the real owner of the manor comes in and asks what we’re doing in the master bedroom.
Dreams. Shattered.
-Gigi, 21
‘I’m sooo into fencing!’
Fencing has always been a hobby of mine and I realise it’s pretty niche, so when I met a girl who said she was really into it, I felt pretty excited. But, when I mentioned it the next morning, she pulled a face and said, “What the hell is that? I’ve never heard of it.”
Caught herself out in her own lie: impressive.
-Miles, 18
‘I’m David Beckham’s son’
This about three in the morning, two of my mates had go home while spewing in a taxi and I’m left trying to work out if the bartender has a wobbly shaped twin or if my drunk vision is kicking in something awful.
I escaped to the smoking area to have a stern talk with myself, when I felt a hand on my arm: “can I borrow your lighter?”
This baby-faced guy was smiling at me, while the tallest, most muscly man I’ve ever seen stood beside him staring me down. I proudly said I don’t smoke (while feeling bad about the three cigarettes I’d stolen throughout the night) and he smiled and said, “It’s OK, I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.”
Cheesy, but effective: I’m hooked. At some point in the conversation, I plucked up the courage to ask about The Mountain look-alike which never leaves the guy’s side. “Oh, he’s my bodyguard.” He grins, “I’m David Beckham’s son.”
I scoffed into my JD and coke: all of David Beckham’s sons are like 12 (as anyone under the age of 18 is referred to). He explained that his dad knows the club owners, and as long as his bodyguard is with him, he’s allowed to hang out here. Before he’d even finished talking, I’m imagining our millionaire wedding, receiving a bony hug from Victoria, yachting for the rest of my life.
I googled “David Beckham’s sons” the next morning and realised that this guy was simply a cunning shape-shifter: how else can he have looked so Brooklyn last night and so Conor Maynard this morning?
-Isabelle, 22
‘I’m Prince Harry’
I mean, need I say more? I was at Ascot with some friends, finally realising what Oasis meant by “Champagne Supernova.”
A wily ginger lad spotted his opportunity and strode confidently up to me, declaring that he is the roguish prince we all know and love.
Of course he is, whispers the champagne, you should courtesy. Or bow. Or both.
The rest is history.
-Olivia, 22
‘Come visit me in Dublin’
Me and my friends had gone out for St. Pat’s day and were appropriately wasted – we thought it would be a great idea to pretend we were Irish and proceeded to put on what I can only imagine were awful Irish accents for the whole night.
But they obviously weren’t that bad because this lad started asking me where I was from in Ireland – Dublin’s the only place I could remember so I made up this whole tale about how we were down for one night only and going back tomorrow.
Obviously didn’t think that one through as I now see him round uni all the time and he gives me very weird looks.
-Fi, 19
‘I never do this on the first date’
I got set up on a blind date by one of my friends with one of her mates – we’re having a really nice time, he was really funny and kept giving me little compliments. And I’m a sucker for flattery. He insisted on paying the bill for the meal and then said, “I never usually do this on first dates…but you’ve been driving me crazy all night, I just can’t take it anymore – let’s go back to mine.”
Needless to say, I never heard from him again and have since heard that actually, he does it on every first date.
-Meg, 20
‘It’s totally fine with my flatmate’
I’d been sleeping with this guy for a few weeks (who we’ll call Jamie) when I ran into one of his housemates (who we’ll call Adam) outside a club. He told me Jamie was looking for me and I should come back to theirs so I walked back with Adam. When we got back, we were just waiting in the Adam’s room when he tried to kiss me; I obviously pulled back when he was like, “Jamie wouldn’t mind, I know he wouldn’t!”
We heard the front door open and Jamie’s voice so I said let’s just go ask him now then, smug in the knowledge that the housemate was wrong – Adam went out first and then pushed me back, saying Jamie had brought a girl back. I wasn’t mad because we weren’t exclusive or anything but it was awkward that I was there when Jamie had pulled.
So Adam went out to ask and I got my stuff together to leave in righteous triumph when he bounds back in going, “Yeah, Jamie doesn’t mind, he said it was really funny!” Instantly I’m in a strop – like yeah, we’re not exclusive but do I mean that little to you that you don’t care if I sleep with your housemate? I thought if he doesn’t care, then I don’t care either – I WILL sleep with the housemate.
Turns out Jamie hadn’t brought a girl back or even known I was in the house. Great.
-Jordan, 21