We tried out the worst cheesy chat-up lines on boys in the club

Pick up lines – a lost art akin to pocket watches and girls swooning for no reason Emily Bronte style (they probably just wanted five minutes of peace from all the overbearing male figures in their lives). I would always rather be approached with the cheesiest  and silliest of pick up lines than a shadowy figure wordlessly deciding to grind behind me.

But does the world agree? (And by the world, I mean the several unsuspecting guys in a club that my friends and I lassoed with pick up lines). We tried out our best, worst and cheesiest pick-up lines to find out.

Disclaimer: no gross “You’ve got 206 bones in your body, fancy another one?”-esque pick up lines were tested. Because, y’know, ew.

#1: ‘If I was a cat, I’d spend all nine lives with you’

I was very interested to see how this one went, as I thought the mention of cats might conjure up stereotypical visions of crazy, single cat ladies and send a boy running a mile. Let the games begin:

Response 1: “At least you’ll land on your feet after I sweep you off them.”

Response 2: “Those nine lives wouldn’t last long; they call me the Pussy Destroyer.”

Response 3: “Cats are assholes.”

Dressed as an asshole apparently

May, I just say, the first response was from the guy I approached and never have I been more impressed with someone’s chat. A pick up line met with a pick up line? And a non-sleazy one at that?! Surely that’s some kind of scientific singularity – where’s my Nobel Prize?

Scientific advancing comebacks aside, I do accept responsibility for not anticipating the cat/pussy association – very much not recommended if you want clean responses to your pick up line.

#2: ‘You’re hotter than the bottom of my laptop’

Personally I thought this one was very complimentary, as if you’ve ever noticed the smell of burning flesh and then realised it was your thighs melting away under the Sun-like heat of your laptop, saying someone was this hot would be a serious thing for me. My friends were not as convinced; “Nerd” was the resounding response I got when I announced this one. Let’s see what the public thought:

Response 1: “Does that mean I get to sit on your lap?”

Response 2: Snorted into his drink, managing to make it come out of his noise simultaneously.

Response 3: “Blimey, we’d better get some drinks to cool us down then!”

A rip roaring success all round – any pick up line that makes someone’s drink come out of their noise is a winner in my book. Perhaps it’s the shared experience of burning your thigh after too long stalking your ex on Facebook; oh, the beauty of our generation.

#3: ‘You look like trash, can I take you out?’

There was nearly mutiny in the group at this point as some of the girls felt that we may get beaten up for suggesting random members of the public looked like trash. Three shots of tequila later, order was restored and they were feeling brave, so off we went:

Response 1: “Sorry mate, bins went out on Tuesday.”

Response 2: “Anytime, darling.”

Response 3: “Ooh, manners!”

Lovely trash

To be honest, for what was in essence a poorly disguised insult, this was a blinding success. A success in that none of us got punched in the face anyway.

#4: ‘Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see’

An absolute classic and one of my favourites – can’t imagine Michael McConaughey saying this in his Southern drawl? Alright, alright, alright.

Response 1: “I’m not such a fan of the whiskey but buy me a G&T and I’m all yours.”

Response 2: “Might want to go to Specsavers.”

Response 3: “DAMN.”

Before this encounter I had no idea Tennessee whiskey existed which led to a considerable amount of confusion. But as you’ve read this, that won’t happen to you and responses are pretty favourable, so frolick free and carry on calling people tens.

Also, response two guy – who hurt you?

#5: ‘If you were a fruit, you’d be a fineapple’

Upon discovering this one I laughed for about five minutes. Not sure if that helped or hindered me, particularly; doesn’t everybody love a sexy hyena guffaw?

Response 1: “Blimey, are you alright?”

Response 2: “I didn’t know a pineapple was a fruit.”

Response 3: “You know what else pineapples are good for, right?”

Now, in response one guy’s defence, he wasn’t to know that strong fits of laughter make me go an alarming shade of red and so probably assumed I was having some sort of aneurysm. Laughing idiot strikes again. Additionally, the poor girl who executed response number three did not know what else pineapples were good for and wishes vehemently that she still lived in ignorant bliss after the graphic explanation she was given.

Response two guy is poorly educated.

#6: ‘My name isn’t Luna but I sure know how to Lovegood’

Harry Potter pick up lines are akin to Nate Garner’s jawline in my eyes; in other words, the best thing on God’s green earth. Although this may be a little niche, quite frankly, if you’re not well acquainted enough with Harry Potter to understand this reference, then you don’t deserve to be chatted up. You should be at home, reading/watching Harry Potter.

Response 1: “Ooh, what’s the 9 and 3/4 one? That platform’s not the only thing that’s nine inches??”

Response 2: “I’ve always been more of an Emma Watson fan.”

Response 3: “Luna? Who’s Luna?”

Response three guy; get your ass home and let your Harry Potter education commence. As I drunkenly slurred to him in the middle of the club, it’s appalling not to have read it. Needless to say he hadn’t but I like to think he looked a bit ashamed.

In the Mirror of Erised I’d see me and you