Why Metro’s ‘Mistakes girls make on a first date’ is completely ridiculous

Here are things women can do wrong on dates: turn up four hours late, go to the wrong restaurant and only realise when she’s sitting there waiting with a drink at the bar, wear heels for a bowling date, swipe right solely for the cute dachshund in the pic, only to find out she’s actually going on a date with a bridge troll.

Tfw you think you’re going on a date with a cute dog but then he turns out to be a repulsive human man

However, Very Cool Man who Obviously Goes on Loads of Dates Duncan Lindsey at the Metro has written a list of no fewer than 17 different things that women can get wrong on a first date. Let’s do some basic calculation here. If your average date consists of dinner (1.5 hours) and then drinks afterwards, relying on the date date being good (one hour), that’s only roughly 2.5 hours. According to Duncan, this roughly works out at the woman making one mistake every eight minutes. In Duncan’s opening line, he tells women to “stop being themselves” and asks us ladies to take his advice (all 17 pieces of it).

Here’s his wisdom, broken into bitesize pieces for our presumably bitesize minds.

1. Don’t laugh at our joke if you don’t find it funny. We can tell and it makes us feel worse.

Don’t be so fucking unfunny then? Get good craic or gtfo.

2. Don’t mention your parents. We don’t want to have to consider the terror of meeting your dad until at least date three. It really is a scary prospect for us so give us time.

Hi. I came from an egg which was planted on Earth via Space Tube by another species. I do not have this ‘mother’ or ‘father’ you speak of. No sentimental ties. I am all alone on this cold and lonely planet. IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?

3. Don’t lose your feminine side. We all love a bit of banter but we are attracted to you because you’re a woman so trying too hard to be one of the lads can be a bit off putting. 

ALRIGHT, DUNCAN. DUNKY DUNKS? CAN I CALL YOU THAT? OI GEMME A PINT FROM T’BAR WILL YAH, I’M GOING FOR A WIZZ. ACTUALLY GOVENA, THIS SHITE BAR AIN’T SHOWING THE LIVERPOOL MATCH, MIND IF WE MOVE NEXT DOOR LAD?

4. Please don’t spend more of the date on your phone than with me. Although we have expected that you might want to Instagram your meal.

Look Duncan with all due respect, you’ve definitely taken me to Nando’s, so no thank you, polite decline at your condescending suggestion of me having to Instagram my lemon and herb wrap.

5. Don’t spend ages being overly glam. There is such a thing as too much make up. The majority of us prefer the natural look and nothing is as sexy as confidence in your own skin.

Ok but: you realise the ‘natural look’ you speak of involves a push up bra, a lightweight foundation, nude heels, a gruelling diet and, like, surgery? Just because you didn’t bother to shower for this occasion doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let me plaster on my contour in peace.

6. Don’t tell us to order what we feel like then get a salad from the starters after we’ve just asked for a rump steak. It’s ever so awkward.

Let me guess: if we ordered a rump steak too you’d be pissed that you’re having to pay the bill? I mean, I’m all for feminism, but ‘show me your confidence not your bra’ Duncan is definitely going to pay this bill.

Tfw you also order a rump steak

7. Don’t think it’s sexist that we offer to pay the bill. We genuinely are trying to be nice and gallant and not trying to undermine your gender. You can pay next time.

Exhibit A.

8. Let’s not have sex on the first date. Many guys claim it’s what they want but those of us looking for a relationship want to get to know you (ALL of you) slowly and enjoy every savouring moment.

‘Enjoy every savouring moment’ like I’m the last Wotsit in the bag that you’re letting melt on your tongue. Frankly I’m not down for 90 minutes of dull fingering either.

9. Don’t be afraid to specify where you want to go. A date doesn’t have to be a meal out. If you want to do something different, holler. We’ll respect it and get an insight into your personality. No swingers parties though.

‘No swingers parties though’ are the words of a man who definitely wants me to suggest a swingers party.

10. Don’t be afraid to give a compliment (but only if you mean it). We like someone mentioning our appearance too.

Why Duncan, your fedora is glistening positively RADIANTLY in this moonlit alleyway.

11. Don’t complain about your friends too much. Or we’ll think you’ll be doing exactly the same about us when you see them again.

Duncan surely you want to live vicariously through my friends considering you can’t get any of your own.

12. Don’t think that everything we say is necessarily set in stone. We’re nervous too so if we give the wrong answer to ‘do you ever see yourself getting married?’ then it doesn’t have to mean the end.

This is why I have trust issues.

13. Don’t ask us about our previous girlfriends. If they were so important at this time, they’d be sitting opposite us. This date is all about you.

Why are you pretending like you broke up with her, hun.

14. Don’t talk about your ex. Even if it is just to criticise him, we want to be the only guy on your radar for this night.

So, to recap, so far we can’t talk about our parents, our friends, our ex, your ex, our food, our phones, marriage, sex or laugh at your jokes. What… can we talk about? Luv 2 eat to the sound of deathly silence.

15. Don’t forget to enjoy yourself. Listen to your heart. If you’re having a good time then relax and go with it. One day this night could be something we want to tell our grandkids about so let’s remember it and make sure there are lots of good parts. 

‘Don’t forget to enjoy yourself’. At this point there is no doubt in my mind that Duncan is a serial killer.

16. Don’t agree to a second date if you’re not into it. We can take being rejected, our pillows will be dry in the morning. Being strung along is harder to handle.

It is good to know that a middle aged grown man’s life wouldn’t end if I didn’t want to go meet him at a crowded Starbucks on my Saturday off.

17. Don’t forget that you will make mistakes and so will we. We’re all human so this checklist is just meant as a bit of fun. None of us want to date a pre programmed robot. The mistakes can be funny and break the ice. So let’s not take ourselves too seriously.

Let’s not take ourselves too seriously, eh! All a bit of fun, eh! Please disregard the very specific and often commonly accepted dating tropes I have just reinforced! JUST KIDDING! I LOVE FEMINISM! Guys..? Guys? I just don’t get it, why can I never get dates? Jessica won’t even call me back, that fucking bitch. I knew she was a self absorbed slut from all that makeup she wore to our date. Anyway guys, just joshin’ with ya!

Anyway, as we’re all having a bit of fun (remember this is just fun guys!) I’ve compiled my own list of mistakes guys make on first dates.

Have opinions: It’s nice that you voted for Brexit because you hated the Polish guy you did the paper round with  when you were 10 years old, but it would also be nicer if you were quiet.

Try to touch me: Sorry buddy, this may be a ‘romantic’ date, but Pizza Express on a two-for-£10 voucher doesn’t mean you can put your sweaty meaty hand on mine.

Try and talk about yourself: Please guys, no self respecting guy would ever want to talk about anything other than how excellent I am. I don’t make the rules.

Show some skin: You think you can get away with three buttons open on that shirt, Sir? How could I ever bring you home to my mother??

Turn up to the date. How dare you? Can’t you just, like, pay for my dinner via PayPal and be one of the texts on my phone that I ignore whilst I message the girls’ Whatsapp group?

@perrrrin