We asked girls what they think is ‘kinky’

In a culture where we glorify what happens in the bedroom – but we rarely go into ‘gory’ details about it beyond general questions about size and satisfaction. With that in mind, I spoke to women about their kinks, how they defined “kinky,” how their partner(s) reacted, and whether they’re shy about that part of their sex life or they’re loud and proud.

It’s worth noting that we are still ashamed to be kinky. I talked to several girls who were willing to talk about their kinks but not have them on record with their names and pictures, or girls who weren’t willing to have their full names attached. We live in a “dgaf” culture – until we have to put it on something other than Snapchat.

While we live in a hypersexualized culture we’re still hesitant to talk about the basis of our existence: sex, and the things that make it fun.

Lauren Sarah, 21

“My definition of kinky is probably something that is out of the norm of most people’s sex life. Previously I guess I would have put BDSM in this category, until thousands of middle aged women invested in whips and chains after watching the shit show that was 50 shades of grey.

“Kinky IS NOT tying your hands together or blindfolding your partner, if you ask me because this is just normal stuff that normal couples have probably dabbled in at one point or another. Kinky would be things like, weeing on your partner and getting turned on, or really loving rough sex – but i’m not talking in a casual way, but a like hardcore role play kind of way. Some people might consider some of the things that I don’t, kinky (eg. the hands tying etc, or using a vibrator). I guess it’s different strokes for different folks, RE where they think the line is between kink and vanilla.

“For me, I think a ~kink~ of mine in some people’s opinion would be using clitoral vibrators while having sex because IT. IS.GREAT. Seriously, try it. Others might think that liking rough sex (read: being a bit lazy) is a kink. I, on the other hand, consider myself almost embarrassingly vanilla.”

Allison (me), 19

“My first knowledge of kinks was BDSM. I assumed anything that wasn’t missionary was BDSM, and that was a scary and intimidating thought. Having explored more about my sexuality, I would describe kinky as my preferences for having my partner use toys on me, light pain, and having my senses deprived (sight and touch – some would consider it bondage).

“I like playing with control – giving it up, having it all, or fighting with it. I think the definition of “kinky” has been warped because of a culture that simultaneously upholds and opposes sex and glorifies it in media and celebrity culture. My partners have reacted mostly curiously and have been open about exploring sex with me. I’m loud and proud about sex, but not the details.”

Torry Haggins, 19

“My kinks are hair pulling, slight pain, and dirty talk. How I define kinky? As long as it feels good I’m with it. My partners haven’t reacted – because they don’t exist. Just ask me. I don’t go shouting it from the roof tops. But there are some shorts I would wear to say what I like. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.”

Caroline Benson, 20

“I think there are lots of ways to describe kinky. There are people who think ear-biting is kinky, but honestly I think most people do this! Personally I associate kink with a kind of “plan,” as in, when there is a planned scene or anticipated behavior that requires boundaries and risk-taking to experiment with feelings.

“Personally I have never been in a kinky relationship but having kinky friends and acquaintances has taught me a lot about the world of sexual sensation and boundaries. Good kink communities and relationships generally have a really positive attitude toward pleasure and very healthy views on sexual respect and consent, in the sense that they are very open to talking about sex and the lines of comfort/discomfort versus enjoyment for any specific person.

“So yes, I would say I have a positive attitude toward kink, and I am very open about that and generally open to talking about sexual relationships in general. Kink is definitely something I would try if a trusted partner were interested.”

Delaney Sexton, 19

“This is probably not very kinky in the end, but I definitely like to be submissive to him. I want him to be totally in control and do whatever he wants to me. In every other aspect of life, I am very independent and stubborn, so being this way in bed is pretty kinky for us because it’s a big change from everyday life.”

So, what has this roving nympho-reporter learned? Porn and “50 Shades of Gray” don’t always have it right.

And millennials might be having less sex, but we’re definitely doing it “differently,” be it long distance technology or kinky.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● We asked girls for their craziest, sluttiest, kinkiest school sex stories, and they did not disappoint
● What your choice of foreplay says about you in bed
● Why you’re better off never knowing anything about your partner’s sexual history

@TheTab