All the downsides of having a big backside
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be
Obviously, I love a big booty as much as the next person but life with a big bum isn’t as peachy as you might think. So before you start squatting 60kg at the gym to get that arse, here’s some things you should be prepared for.
Guys think it’s OK to slap your arse as you walk past.
Since Bey brought the booty back, a new type of man has evolved; the arse-man. An ultra pervy breed you’ll normally find on tacky club nights. They think it’s okay to just slap your arse as you walk past, like you’re not a human but just an object there for their satisfaction.
All dresses are micro-minis on you
The ASOS size guide needs it’s own section for us ladies with a big bum. A dress, which looks like a perfectly acceptable length on the model, will always be a micro-mini on you. Never shop online for dresses for any family occasion, job interview or for meeting-the-parents.
Big butt means big thighs
Anyone who has a big bum AND thigh gaps probably must be some sort of god. If you want a big bum you have to squat, and if you squat you’re going to get muscly thighs. So forget that thigh gap, it’s an unachievable beauty standard anyway.
Everyone assumes you only squat for guys
Sorry boys, but girls actually like feeling good in their own skin and not everything we do is to make you feel super good slapping our arse on our way past you in the club.
People always ask you to twerk
It’s like they think that once you can squat 50kg you have to sign a contract saying that you will sexy dance for men the rest of your life. Sorry, but I ain’t no Nicki Minaj, and you also probably don’t want to see me attempt to twerk anyway.
You can’t wear gym leggings without being cat-called at least three times.
No make-up, sweaty, red and walking home hoping no one will see you in the state you’re in. But no, you will get cat-called, multiple times.
No jeans will ever be right for you.
Go up a size and they don’t fit your waist, go down a size and they won’t get past your thighs; you will never find that perfect pair. And all your jeans, no matter how expensive, will rip.
Short shorts are a complete no-no
Some girls look so adorable in their short shorts with their pretty tops and cutesy instagrams of them posing with their cute boyfriends. But not if you have a big bum, you will just look like a lowkey hooker.
Thongs are standard, all other underwear becomes a thong anyway so you might as well embrace the wedgie
Your butt will legit eat underwear for breakfast. The whole French knickers vs. thong debate just doesn’t apply to anyone with a big bum. Your delicate French knickers will be a thong after approximately five minutes of walking. So it’s better just to invest in some CK thongs and get it over with.
Those cute instagram pictures of your back facing the sea become bait for all Instaweirdos
Showing off your booty always seems like a good idea until you get 20 messages from weirdos commenting on your bum. You will also have quite a few followers who will only like your photos if your bum is visible. We know your game, boys.
Every compliment you ever get will revolve around your arse
They’re mostly backhanded compliments too. Boys don’t realise that I do have a face which occasionally would like some recognition. One guy once told me that he only met up with me because he saw that I had a nice bum on insta. K. Thanks babe.
You can’t complain because all your friends tell you how they’d love a butt like yours.
If you ever complain, your friends will hate you because after all, a big bum isn’t the worst thing in the world.
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