A guide to nailing your Bumble profile, by girls

There’s an art form to properly nailing your Bumble profile. It takes time, consideration, skill, attention to detail. Here are just a few select tips for getting it right.

Get a dog

Girls love dogs. Actually, scratch that: everyone loves dogs. Regardless of gender, dogs are pure innocent creatures that make every situation better. It’ll make you look sweeter and more sensitive than you already are, and it’ll give her something to talk about for her opening line. Also, a man who doesn’t like dogs is a psychopath who should be avoided. 

Don’t use somebody else’s dog

There is nothing worse than the disappointment that comes with “haha, he’s just a friend’s unfortunately!” when you inquire about the cute dog in someone’s profile pic. I’ve already become so emotionally invested in this dog. I’ve learned his name (Simon) and his age (two) and that he likes Doritos and going for really long walks. I’ve literally pictured a date walking in the park with Simon as a central character. And now my dreams are crushed, because Simon lives in Sussex with your mate from home. Great.

Do not have a baby

No, we won’t get all broody over how cute and sensitive you look, it’s really off-putting. Is it yours and this is your way of letting us know? Or are you just using a poor, innocent baby to get women? It brings up images of responsibility, parenthood when we just want a carefree date in a nice bar somewhere.

Don’t mention Nando’s

Someone I matched with on Bumble once had a profile which read ‘Nandos, techno, [three ‘ok hand’ emojis]’. This man, more than anything else in his personality, wanted everyone to know he cared a lot about techno, and a lot about chicken. He was 23-years-old. T w e n t y  t h r e e.

Don’t say you’re ‘just looking for someone to make you laugh’

I’m not funny.

Include your height

Honesty is important, not because people on dating apps are shallow (everyone is though), but purely to decide which shoes I should wear when we meet up. I’m short, what if I can’t reach? Let’s find a pub with tables so we can sit down and hide any height-based shockers.

Don’t say you’re ‘here for a few days’

We all know what that means. Maybe we would just want a no-strings-attached shag after meeting you, but you’ll never know because we’ve already swiped left.

Don’t have a big group photo as your first picture

WHO ARE YOU. DO YOU THINK THIS IS SOME SORT OF GAME.

No selfies

Selfies belong on Instagram, on your little sister’s Facebook profile, and in your WhatsApp when your mum is trying to work out the iPhone and accidentally takes a picture from a really unflattering angle. They are not for dating apps. There’s something about a profile rammed with selfies that’s a little bit suspicious – are you real? Where are your friends? Do you ever leave the house?

No topless pics

Unless it’s a non-posed, casual beach pic then it makes you look like you’re only on there for sex.

No tigers

You are cruel and should never have love.

Limit your travelling pics

Yeah we get it Hugo, Vietnam was so much better before everyone started going there. You can tell me all about that on our date, three vodka lime sodas in, you don’t really need five pics of you Hanoi to illustrate that. 

Only mention your uni if you go to: Leeds, Manchester, Newcastle or Bristol

If you’re Oxbridge, you’re intimidating. If you’re Durham or Exeter, you’re pompous. If you went to Salford – hide it with all your might.

No football tops

Nobody looks good in football tops. It’s a sad fact. And while it’s nice to see you have passions in life outside the app based dating world, a pic of you and your mate Mike half-grimacing in the empty stands at Old Trafford isn’t the most aspirational scene in the world.

Include at least one smiley chilled holiday pic

Ah yes, let’s drink from coconuts together on that beach.

Include an Instagram

I’m glad you’re real and we’re all just here for the gram followers let’s be honest.

No Maga, Napa or Malia pics

What happens in Maga, stays in Maga.

Don’t have a facebook filtered picture

Yeah, we all wanted to show solidarity with France but does it really need to be your first pic on Bumble?

No screenshots

If you can’t make any effort here, what the hell are you going to be like in bed.

Also, Bumble is the easiest app in the world to navigate. If you can’t work out how to upload a photo properly, it’s a worrying insight into your technological abilities. I’m immediately reminded of my dad, and that’s not what anyone wants here.

Include festival photos. I cannot emphasise this enough. Include festival photos

They make you look fun, like you’ve got loads of friends and like we’d have a good time with you. Really, you cannot underestimate the appeal of some cracking festival photos.

Only use street art pics if you’re actually cool

If done correctly (good filter, immaculate composition and nonchalant pose) these can look incredible. They should look effortless, as if your fit mate just took it of you when you weren’t noticing. But appearing effortless is actually fucking hard, and get it wrong and you look like our dad posing for a holiday pic.

Have at least five pictures

Any less and we’ll assume you:

Don’t have any friends to take pictures of you

Look so hideous in the rest of your photos these are your only shot at love 

Are catfishing us

Skiing pics always go down well

Yes, take me to Aspen, Chad.

‘Places I’ve been’ pics – if you’re not in them, don’t include them

This isn’t your Instagram, Mark.

Don’t include too many sporty pics

A few are fine, but too many and it’s frankly intimidating. You on a bike going through the forest, on a surfboard in Wales, playing tennis somewhere, decked out fully in whites so you know it’s not just a casual hobby: when will you ever find time to go get awkward drunk with a Bumble date? 

People who ‘love adventure’

We’ve all done a few months in Southeast Asia hun. Same goes for waterskiing – get it out.

Black and white is good

In small doses. Otherwise you look like the Tim Burton Disney phase we all went through has gone on for just a bit too long.

No Snapchat filters

The flower crown? Really? You basic bitch.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● Bumble just copied Tinder’s creepiest feature so I guess I’m deleting my account now
● I sent boys on Bumble the first lines they’ve sent me on Tinder 
● How Instagram fame completely ruined my love life

@rosielanners