Confessions: Your funniest sex stories

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Confessions: Your funniest sex stories

Try guessing which stories were written about you

Let’s be honest, weird stuff happens at college. This is a place where our mistakes are abundant and our judgment is completely awry. We work hard, play harder, and often have some funny stories to go along with it.

This article is designed to revolve around funny sexual encounters, so if you think you’ve had a bizarre time, you’re not alone. Here are the weirdest, worst, and most “wtf” stories that were submitted.

The weirdest

“It was the middle of the Winter and freezing cold. This one day I was wearing two layers of pants and Yik Yak socks. I was with this guy and went to corner to take everything off but he told me to keep the socks on…”

“I gave a foot job once.”

“Every time I fucked this one guy I coincidentally had my period.”

“It was Fourth of July weekend and I was on my friends rooftop with her neighbor who is the CEO of his own tech company, I don’t know, some hot shot so a decent amount of tequila was involved, and I somehow managed to begin booking a yacht week trip with him to Hvar, Croatia– we went back to his immaculate apartment where everything was white and there were fur throws everywhere. After a few hours of going at it, I managed to wake up butt naked on a fucking mink fur with this note next to me (below). Pay attention to the fact that he burned the edges and it’s on composition paper? I sprinted out of his apt at 5am.”

“When I lost my virginity I said, ‘wait is this what sex is’ while the guy was mid thrust.”

“Once while I was having sex with a guy on spring break he asked me what my last name was. Perplexed, I responded ‘Brady*..?’ And he went, ‘Brady, that’s such a sexy last name,’ and I responded ‘no it’s Irish.'” *named changed for privacy

“Freshman year I was getting with this guy in his dorm room and his roommate accidently walked in, apologized, and ran out. I guess we were taking a while because he came back in the room later, looked at us and said, ‘I don’t care, you guys can keep going, I’m so tired and I’m going to bed.’ And he literally just got into the bed next to us and passed out.”

“I was with a guy at my apartment and we decided to watch the Lego movie. Meanwhile we start going at it and the song ‘Everything is Awesome’ starts playing from the movie and he started singing along mid fuck.”

The worst

“Got a nose bleed while going down on a girl.”

“He remembered my bra size, but not my age.”

“I did it with this guy and it was so bad, I basically ran out of his place. When I had left I realized I had lost my house key at his place.”

“Oh, one time I was having sex and the condom slipped off…inside of me…We got it out and I tried throwing it out of the window but it landed on the ledge so we then had to find something long enough to push it off.”

Ok so I was fucking my boyfriend in France and we were on the stove and I don’t know how but it was accidentally turned on. It was and electric one so it didn’t get hot until a couple minutes later, and then my butt started getting so I thought it was just our body heat. I burned my ass and I couldn’t sit down properly for a couple of days.”

“One time my ex fell asleep on top of me, while still inside me. ”

“Well, I had bought this shitty bed frame and it kept falling apart on me, and at one point I knew it was at the end of its time. I get invited to this formal with a girl I didn’t really know, and by the end of the night I was hammered and it didn’t take much convincing for the girl to get me to sleep with her. Remembering my shitty bed frame, I tried to get us to go to her place, but she insisted that her roommate was home and that wasn’t going to happen. So we roll up to my apartment and get up to my room and our clothes start flying off. Before I could warn her about the bed she jumps onto it and the whole thing just collapses, and I’m sitting there laughing my ass off while she’s crying because she thinks it was her weight that broke the bed. So after explaining to the poor girl the situation, I got her an uber and sent her home.”

“One time my ex literally had just finished in me and the fire alarm went off two seconds later. I didn’t realize that cum literally comes pouring out of you, so I stood up to go run outside because of the fire alarm and jizz literally came shooting out of me.”

“I was hooking up with this girl and she stayed over the night. We woke up and she realized she peed the bed.”

“I was getting with a guy and his bed kept breaking, we had to fucking rebuild the bed maybe three times untill I finally asked him if we could move to the couch or something.”

“A girl queefed in my face while 69ing.”

I was hooking up with this guy but previously had been hooking up with his roommate. We were fucking one night and I called the guy by his roommate’s name.”

“I was in the shower at Barnard with this chick, and obviously things are going down. But as we were doing it she kept turning the dial with her leg accidentally so it would get so freaking hot, but obviously she said don’t stop, so I keep going. I get so hot that I just fainted there. Passed out for like 5-10 seconds and woke up to her screaming hysterically. So I’m not a fan of shower sex now.”

“I was in a frat house and these two guys wanted to have a threesome. None of them lived there so we picked a random guy’s room to do it in. We started fooling around and I could hear footsteps approaching, the door swung open and the whole frat was there at the door laughing at us.”

“I was studying abroad in London and became close with a local guy there. One night I went over to his place and we couldn’t even wait- we did it in the doorway to his building.”

“In Cancun I met this really hot British guy. We hung out for a bit, and then we went back to his place and started having sex. The AC was shitty so we were sweating a lot but we kept going all night, like round 2, round 3. We were in a cheap wooden bed and he was on top. He was thrusting so hard that the headboard collapsed and it came down and hit me but we still kept going. The next day I found out that I fractured three ribs.

The legendary

“I went to boarding school for high school so we had to be really sneaky. One day I took a girl up to where the school buses were parked since one of the old buses didn’t lock. She started giving me head and it was all going great until we saw a flashlight and the security guy started opening the front door. I was literally mid vinegar stroke at this point, so when we ran out of the back door I thought I came on my jeans or on the floor or something. We had to sprint for maybe a solid minute. When we stopped she looked at me and asked me if she should swallow or just spit it out. I died.”

“My best friend and I had sex with these two roommates in their dorm room at the same time. Their beds were a few feet away from each other so we high-fived during it.”

“The first time I had sex with ___ he whispered “I’m a mother fucking legend” while thrusting.”

This is a letter sent to the parents of spring breakers who were renting out a villa

“One day, he took me out to Block Island on July 4th weekend for some frolicking and beaching. There’s this really long rock jetty on the beach that lots of tourists walk along to watch the boats come in. As we get to the end of the jetty, he looks around, sees that the next person on this jetty is about 50 meters back and tells me to bend over the rocks so he can fuck me. Now, while there aren’t people near us on the jetty, there’s a giant Viking water taxi sailing on by every five minutes, so I’m hesitant but it’s our thing to have sex in daring places and he’s already pulling down my underwear, so we fucked and waved to the salty tourists. He even took a video as a souvenir. We both agree the view was great.”

“One day my friend and I were passing Paradise Rock Club and saw that Ty Dolla $ign was going to be performing. While passing we realized that Ty was standing outside so we went up to talk to him. I talked to him in Russian accent to seem more attractive and he ended up giving us free tickets to his show. During the show, girls would get pulled up on stage to dance and I got pulled up. At the end of the show security pulled me aside and told me that Ty was inviting me to an after party on his bus. After hanging out there for a bit security came up to me again and said that Ty wanted to see me. I went into his room and we smoked a bit and then we started fucking. This whole time I somehow kept the Russian accent going. He gave me the shirt he performed in and I wore it to class the next day.”

And last, but certainly not least,

“My mom met my first boyfriend while he was in me.”

Related stories recommended by this writer:

We asked girls about their best one night stand stories
I had sex every single day of my period and it actually saved my sex life
These wild group sex stories will leave you grabbing a water bottle – and maybe your Bible?

@TheTab