My week as a basic bitch

Fall is here, and with it comes basic bitches. You know the type. They totes love abbreviations, look seemingly flawless every day, text hella emojis, fear dick is a carb, and their souls are awakened by the scent of pumpkin spice.

Well, you won’t catch me ordering a fancy drink at Starbucks, binge watching Real Housewives, or avoiding carbs like the plague. In fact, I use full-length words, hardly ever wear make-up, and love wearing a good ol’ t-shirt. Dare I say it, I don’t even like pumpkin.

This week, however, I decided to give basics the benefit of doubt and live like they do. Now, before you criticize me for using so many blatant stereotypes, you should know that I support basics. In fact, I support everyone. Do whatever makes you happy regardless of whatever stereotype may be attached to it. Just be true to who you are.

However, the basic life is not true to me and I came out of this week missing a few eyelashes, some dignity, and the feeling of a full stomach.

Did someone say Pumpkin Spice Latte?

Ahh the classic PSL. Hated by some, loved by others, yet known by all as the pinnacle of basicness. Having never tried Starbucks’s famous basic bitch brew, I knew what I had to do. After standing in line for 20 minutes, I scanned the room (reputation on the line) and quickly spouted out my order to the barista. “ONE TALL PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE!” the barista yelled to the back. I sulked, yearning for my usual plain ol’ cappuccino, but, to my pleasant surprise, I was soon in #PSL paradise and wondered why I’d wasted so many years without it.

Dressed for success

Getting dressed every morning was probably the worst aspect of being basic. I usually roll out of bed, throw on the first thing I see and head out the door all within 30 minutes of waking up. Instead, I set my alarm for an hour before I had to leave in the morning because I had to consciously put together a totes fab outfit and put on makeup – the biggest struggle of them all. I decided the most “basic” makeup look was the simple yet classy liquid eyeliner, mascara, and foundation combo. I’m not gonna lie, the extra touch of makeup was a bit of a confidence boost at first, but it soon turned into a total chore. By the end of the week, my eyelashes became brittle from all the mascara and one or two fell out each night when I removed my makeup. YIKES. Not worth it.

Pop it, lock it

Everyone knows a basic loves their pop music, and I have to admit, I enjoy it too, in small quantities. However, this week I listened to nothing but pop and it was torturous. I was never so excited for a commercial break in my life. I get it already – Sia doesn’t need dollar bills to have fun tonight, Gnash is incredibly indecisive on whether he loves you or hates you, and The Chainsmokers are never getting older, but their song sure is so stop playing it every second.

Sometimes it’s the little things that count

Aside from larger things, sometimes being basic is just doing a lot of small things. To be totally honest, I probably sent an upward of a thousand sassy girl emojis, a constant stream of “basic” Snapchats about my everyday life, said an abundance of abbreviations, and even posted a photo of me holding a Starbucks cup, caressing my face, and fake laughing to myself on Instagram with the caption, “How I feel about the first day of October *insert pumpkin emoji*” – seriously, how basic can you be?

Tell me I’m cute

Now, I love using Snapchat filters as much as the next person, but there is one filter I don’t dare touch. The dreaded dog filter. You know the one. While most filters come and go, the dog filter always remains, safeguarded by basics who can’t help but snap their crushes with those cute little doggy ears. This week that all changed and the dog filter became my go-to filter and, I have to say, I looked pretty damn cute.

Maybe I’m crazy, or maybe I just need carbs…

Is it possible to have dietary restraints and shut up about it? I understand being gluten free because of genuine gluten intolerance, but why would you ever put yourself through that for no reason? Same goes for other types of diets. I understand the desire to eat clean, and good for you, but please, spare me the details while I’m inhaling a huge pizza. I don’t want to hear it.

This week, however, I became the diet nut and, for nearly one day, I went completely carb free. To make it better, I made sure to tell everyone about it. I say “nearly one day” because as good as the intentions were, I soon realized nearly everything is a carb. In fact, the most tragic discovery was learning even fruit is a carb. Fruit! And that’s some healthy stuff right there.

During the course of the day, I drank one PSL (of course) for breakfast, a salad with vegetables for lunch, and yet another salad for dinner. On top of that, I also worked out. Let’s be honest, I was starving. I was a hangry bitch who wanted nothing more than to coat my stomach with filling warmth. The life had been completely sucked out of me.

By 9:30pm I couldn’t take the grumble any longer and had to cheat. Not my proudest moment, but made it better by eating on the healthier side. But, as soon as the clock struck midnight, I had a big pizza in front of me, ready to go. No shame.

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Although I hated some aspects of being basic, I learned that there is a basic side of me that I need to embrace more often. Let’s face it, pumpkin spice lattes are amazing, Snapchat is quite possibly the greatest app of all time, and that sassy girl emoji is way too relevant to ignore.

@TheTab