Welcome to October! Here are all the super sexy costumes you can wear for Halloween
We’re gonna be cold gals
12 years ago Lindsay Lohan told us “Halloween is the one night of the year a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it”. The sentiment is fundamentally a good one; wear what you want any day of the year but especially on Halloween. Embrace it. Don’t give a fuck what anyone else says.
Not long after that 2004 epiphany though, costume companies embraced the slutty Halloween sentiment, and now we’ve lost our way. Now it seems that every halloween costume aimed at women is more and more outlandishly sexy. So basically, we’re stuck with this lot. Take your pick, there’s some real diversity here.
Hey, remember when they shot that gorilla? Idk, maybe it’s because of all the memes talking about getting your dicks out over it, but there’s something sexy about it. Obviously this is a costume now because it’s 2016 and awful things happen and we can’t forget about them. So instead pay homage to beloved Harambe by doing a walk of shame in these furry boots on November 1st feeling amused but also kind of depressed – which is the best kind of homage to Harambe really.
Sexy Pizza Rat
Ah, another sexy costume based on a meme. Somewhere in the world, there’s a really overworked, out of ideas advertising executive locked away in a room trying to work out how to boost sales for Halloween. He takes his old-school cigar out of his mouth. It’s a eureka moment. “These millennial kids. They like memes. And they like sex. We need to make memes sexy. My god we’ll be rich.”
That’s basically the only way I can imagine a sexy pizza rat costume came into existence. The weirdest thing is that it’s not even a new meme. You’d have to spend most of your night convincing the people you’re trying to pull that you’re current and they’d just par you off and sexy Harambe instead.
Sexy Donald Trump
I know there’s an appeal in bad boys (bad girls?) but come on, Donald Trump? Really? Presumably not included in this costume: five to 10 liberal coats of fake tan and a horrible attitude to women.
Sexy Hillary Clinton
Yes, she’s an experienced politician and probably the next President of the United States but obviously you haven’t made it until you’re a sexy Halloween costume. Congrats Hill – even if this attempt is more Judy Jetson than Hillary Clinton. It doesn’t even look like Chelsea.
There are things everyone wishes had stayed in 2015 – and minions are one of those things. But they’re still here, celebrating their exceptional staying power. They’re on kids’ backpacks and cheap iPhone covers and your mum’s Facebook and now, again, in the queue for your clubs in sexy form. Please, please, no more minions.
Sexy Little Orphan Annie
Yeah I mean of course I like the musical Annie but I can’t help but think that like you’d empathise more with her if she was sexier you feel me?
Literal Sexy Schoolgirl
If you think that the sinister infantilisation of women’s Halloween costumes just doesn’t go far enough, then you’re in luck. This costume, from Amazon, is only aimed towards the sexiest of small children.
A cornucopia of sexy food costumes
If you like food and you also like sex you are also in luck because you can represent that with a wide variety of sexy food costumes – from sexy pizza, to sexy chinese takeaway and sexy french fries, the main food groups are all here. My favourite is sexy corn, the filthiest of all the vegetables.
I bet they would have never become extinct if they all looked as good as this.
Sexy Adult Baby
“You don’t have to cry to get attention in this baby costume” the model assures you, while some easy listening definitely-used-in-a-porno beats plays in the background. Phew. That’s a relief. I can get up off the floor and stop flailing my fists now.
All those tentacles eh?
Sexy Willy Wonka
What better way to commemorate the loss of beloved actor Gene Wilder who passed away in August aged 83 than by recreating his best role but like, sexier?
Oh fuck yeah gimme those triple letters babe.
Sexy Mike Myers
Sexual attraction to serial killers is known as Hybristophilia. I don’t know if that explains this costume, I’m just putting it out there.
Sexy Brian from Family Guy
Some people argue that the sexiest character from Family Guy is Lois, but they’re wrong. The sexiest character from Family Guy is Brian, and that’s why he’s become the star of sexy Halloween costume. Yeah, he is a dog, what’s your point? That’s not creepy.
Sexy Native American
For when you want to be accused of cultural appropriation, but you also want to look good.
What do girls like? Wine? OK let’s make that sexy.
Sexy Toad from Super Mario
To be fair, he was always very helpful when you came across him in the mansion while playing Mario 64, so it’s only right that he’s become the star of his on sexy costume. The days of slutty Luigi are long behind us.
High-profile cryptocurrency founder writes blog posts about sex with preteen girls, and says condemning pedophilia is ‘nonsense’
Now he says the posts are fiction
by Nian Hu
Gavin Wood, the cofounder of the cryptocurrency project Ethereum, wrote a first-person blog post in 2013 graphically describing a sexual encounter with a 10-year-old girl dying of AIDS. The blog post has since been deleted, but its contents were reposted on Reddit and cached to an Internet archive. Wood authored several other blog posts in…
The secret to perfect skin that never ages: Minding your own damn business
Consider this your reward for not being racist!
by Nian Hu
You've probably heard this before: black don't crack, Asian don't raisin, brown don't frown. And it's true! Just look at Pharrell. That man has literally looked like a college freshman for the past 10 years. Thanks to the power of melanin, people of color tend to age remarkably well.White people, however, aren't usually so lucky…
Watch this bloodthirsty grandma shoot the fuck out of a 500lb gator because it ate her pet horse
by Josh Kaplan
What do you think your grandmother is doing right now? For those of you lucky enough to answer anything other than "turning in her grave, ashamed of the useless offspring she accidentally created", your grandma is probably doing something wholesome. Maybe baking a nice pumpkin pie (the first of the season), or thinking about what…