Stop kissing your teeth and kiss my mouth
Nobody wants to be one of the hordes of tweeters losing their mind about Bake Off in 140 characters on a Wednesday night. It looks too twee, too into it, like you’re the kind of person who has “tea enthusiast” in their Tinder bio. But it’s becoming harder and harder to resist the temptation because every week there is Selasi.
And Selasi is the reason we watch it because everyone wants to make sweet sweet love to Selasi.
Literally, what did they make on Bake Off last night? What was the theme of the week? If you say you remember you’re lying. You, me, 11.2 million others; we are all watching for Selasi. Selasi kissing his teeth at the camera. Selasi cool, calm and collected, watching his bakes toast nicely in the oven, feet in the air. Selasi shrugging at Paul Hollywood in a “I dunno mate, I just bake it” kind of way.
He endears us to him because he’s not the frazzled, over-achieving weirdo who usually appears on Bake Off. Someone who manages to fit in their elaborate cake-making in between cello lessons and a job as an Art Historian and looking after their five knobbly-kneed children. Selasi’s just chill man. He looks like he ambled into the tent by accident and just casually started making some fire bakes. And in the same casual way, he ambled into our hearts.
In real life he’s just as cool, calm, collected and fit. His twitter bio lists him as “BIKER. BAKER”. He hosts delicious viewing parties every week. He congratulates his fellow bakers on their successes and commiserates with them when they leave.
You could imagine partying with Selasi. Selasi on a candlelit dinner, smiling deep into your eyes the way he does with Paul Hollywood, feeling you roulade off a spoon (you’re sharing the dessert).
I cannot be the only person in the world who is now only watching Great British Bake Off because they want to fuck Selasi.
Loving him is certainly nothing new for the masses of frothing Bake Off fans who tweet about him every week. But it’s getting out of hand. There should be some sort of trigger warning on his segments. He shouldn’t appear before the watershed. Has anyone got any advice?