What guys’ names actually say about them
Because a Tinder bio can only tell you so much
by Amanda Ross
We’re all busy — too busy to actually get to know a guy.
And why waste your time? Get their first name and you’ll immediately know everything worth knowing about them anyway.
Heaven help anyone called Spencer.
Carries his acoustic guitar everywhere and won’t shut the fuck up about being vegan even though you saw him eat Taco Bell when he was high that one time.
Had his friend ask if you like him because he was too shy to do it himself.
Quit his job as a financial analyst to pursue his dream of becoming a DJ. It didn’t work.
Andre is really into cars and criticizes your totally sensible Kia Sorento.
Has a girlfriend but always texts you on a night out. He’s content with her, but you’re “different.” Will end up marrying his girlfriend but continue to text you.
“Hey man can I get the WiFi password?”
Plays bass and has decided to take a step back from his studies to focus on more important things. Ben has only ever booked a show at the local bar that keeps its lights on all night.
A Gossip Girl character come to life, but not always in a good way. Actually, never in a good way.
Wears a baseball cap backwards and his pants are just low enough for you to see his ass. He claims he was the first guy to have sex at his high school and still tells everyone about it. Truth is, that didn’t happen and Brandon still sleeps with his childhood teddy.
Knows the first rule of CrossFit is tell everyone you’ve ever fucking met about CrossFit.
The lamer version of Bryan with a y. Still over-gels his hair like he’s in seventh grade.
Very different from Brian with an i. He’s really into MMA and will try fight you if you look at him the wrong way. The girl he thinks is “his girl” would really like to be anyone else’s girl.
Has the look in his eye of someone who was caught harming animals when he was a child.
Is the president of his frat BUT he hasn’t grabbed anyone’s pussy yet so it’s cool.
At some point he will ask if you are “catching feels.”
Wears flip-flops with jeans and yells at girls on the street from the passenger side of his friend’s shitty car.
Strutting onto campus, freshman year, Charles is confident – he’s ready. Sperry’s? Check. Pastel shorts? Naturally. A premium cocaine connection? You bet your fuckin’ ass. His father will equate trust fund allowances with love, but as long as Charles can keep buying his primo Colombian white, does it really matter?
Takes you on dinner dates, buys you flowers, texts you every day for six months and then says, “Wait…you didn’t think we were dating, did you?”
Will send unsolicited dick-pics.
Probably owns at least three pairs of loafers. You will need to pre-game before your date to get through his monologue about finance, but your grandma will like him
Won’t date you, but definitely won’t let you date anyone else. The master of the push-pull.
That douchey guy who works in banking and will not let you forget it. His dream since day one has been to work at JP Morgan, and now that he has the job he has to pretend like he loves it when he goes home for Thanksgiving.
Is America in human form. He loves PBR, has never been out of Michigan and says “fucking lit” to describe everything.
An Instagram photographer and overexposes every post. Will try to convince you to let him take a picture of your tits “in an artistic way.”
Totally got with the “hottest girl” at last night’s party. Can never remember any details about her. She doesn’t exist.
Still wears his hair in a middle part and rocks a thin gold chain and a wife-beater every day of his life. He wants a tattoo but hasn’t committed to anything yet.
He will always put his shit band before you. He doesn’t care about the money, he cares about the art, you snob.
Really the best name, fantastic, women love it, they let you do what you want.
Your older sister always told you to stay away from boys like Dylan. They aren’t worth your tears.
You’ll think he’s British and be disappointed when you find out he’s not.
Still dating his high school girlfriend who is definitely cheating on him with a guy she met at the Student Center.
Wears carefully ironed short-sleeved button-ups and uses a pocket protector.
Grow up and get a job, Ethan. College isn’t forever.
Will never leave the town he grew up in. He reps that shitty town harder than you have ever repped anything in your entire life.
Probably blond, he spends his time thinking about poetry but never actually writing it. He wears a denim jacket that no one has ever seen take off and claims that he’s good with the ladies, but no one has ever seen him with one.
He’s here to fix your computer and he is very annoyed that you have let dust build up for so long in the desktop fan, it is terrible for the hard drive.
Has a dog – like a lab or something else generic and obnoxious – and tries to use it to get girls.
A cooler version of Jack. He’s a lax bro. Wears high white socks and tells people his “Twitter game is fire.” You can actually hear your best friend complaining that “Jake never texted her back.”
Your friend from high school who spends his days signing up for reality shows like Survivor and The Real World. Told his frat brothers he wanted to be called “Jeffrey” because it sounded more professional. They still call him Jeff.
Would like to be a writer, but moans that his comfortable middle class upbringing “wasn’t interesting enough.” He thinks he knows more than you because he read this book rather than seeing the movie.
More fun to be around than John. Johnny is the life of the party – heck, he’s probably the one throwing party. Everyone loves him and he loves everyone. He also has really great hair and really defined cheekbones.
Jordan owns Nike Airs, Jordan owns a Nike track jacket, Jordan owns Nike tracksuit bottoms. He listens to Drake, on his Beats, and has really nice long hair. You’d think he’s athlete apart from the fact that he doesn’t play any sport and has the body of a 16-year-old.
Goes to your church and is someone all grandmothers think is cute but you just don’t get it.
Has his own start-up that he aggressively promotes on every form of social media, calls everyone “man” and asks them to call him “Joe.” Joe has a bright future in Silicon Valley due to his inner rage and flagrant disregard for an “inside voice.”
There’s literally nothing wrong with him but the gets a little too clingy too fast. And come to think of it, his breath sort of smells and you just kind of assume his dick is too small before you ever even see it. And then he moves to the West Coast, gets an amazing job, grows a foot taller and grows out the sexiest scruff. Then you remember his breath wasn’t that bad. Goddammit, Justin.
Probably your dad, because who would call a baby Keith these days?
Thinks spelling his name with a “K” instead of a “C” makes him kool. He’s probably in a frat, but not a very good one.
Kyle is being shouted at by his mom, because Kyle has not done his chores. Kyle! Kyyyyyle! KYLE! Kyle is playing Xbox Live, trying to dominate some n00bs on Rust. She barges inside and sees this, unplugs his headset, and yells at him for not finishing his homework. A similar version of this scene will be played out for decades to come.
Effortlessly cool in person. You will want to date him and get excited when he sends you a Facebook message only to find out it’s just a Candy Crush invite.
An industrial designer with a dog and a motorcycle to fit the bill. He spends too much time listening to Hozier, and has been rocking a “real” man bun since his second semester of college.
Keeps deleting you on Snapchat and then adding you back the next day. He’s “totally over you” but is always the first one to watch your story.
The guy that everyone had a crush on in high school because he knew all the coolest music and wore really cool clothes. Thing is, 15 years later, he’s listening to the same music, wearing the same clothes and wondering why the same girls won’t speak to him anymore.
Thinks he’s better than everyone because he doesn’t shorten it to “Matt.”
Definitely owns an Apple watch and will not shut up about “the screen clarity.”
Really into house music he found on SoundCloud, will always bum your last cigarette.
Nate is a sad boy. He’s obsessed with Morrissey, and still can’t believe that his high school girlfriend broke up with him two and a half years ago today. Find him at the local dive bar drowning his sorrows in shitty beer and hand-rolled cigs.
Went to California once and since then has never stopped wearing flip-flops. Bar? Snowstorm? Doesn’t matter. He also crowbars the word “mellow” into any possible sentence and is always game to fight re: marijuana being better for you than alcohol.
Writes poems at coffee shops while he drinks herbal tea and refuses to take his leather necklace off during sex.
A model who summers in France and has really rich parents. He spends more time editing a photo for Instagram than you do.
Oscar either is the plug or knows the plug, which is the only reason you saved his number
He is pale, freckled, wears khaki cargo shorts, looks exactly like his dad, calls himself “Irish” even though he’s about five generations away from a hint of potato famine.
Wears flannel because he considers himself “rugged.” Last year, he set a record for drinking the most Natty Lights at your high school reunion, but he still doesn’t understand why that’s not something to be proud of. Always wears baseball hats because he’s prematurely balding.
He’s been Peter his whole life but now he’s redefined himself. “It’s Pete now,” he’ll say when he goes to his high school reunion, as if he’s transformed completely as a person. In reality, Pete still spends his week as an IT consultant looking forward to his weekends trying to get a date.
Peyton’s parents don’t know he’s gay even though he uses acronyms like “idk” and “omfg” out loud in everyday conversation.
Quentin is a writer, or maybe he’s an artist, no, Quentin is an interpretative dancer. In fact, no one really know what Quentin does because no one really knows Quentin. Quentin is that friend of a friend enigma that occasionally appears uninvited.
Everybody loves him.
A stand-up guy, always down to buy you a beer, always ready to go to the game. He’s tall, handsome, and well-liked by everyone. Rob always smiles in photographs, raising his Bud Light to the camera, grinning with his perfect teeth. Only he knows that behind that smile there’s just a void, a crushing vacuum of empty blackness, the knowledge that after I die, my children’s children will forget me forever and worms will eat my bones. Rob, everyone! What a guy!
Has the kind of beard you can see poking out the sides when he has his back to you. His favorite table centerpiece is a bong and he’s a human optical illusion — looks like a Troll doll but when he has his yearly shower he becomes a god among men, a Brad Pitt circa 2007. For a like a week anyway — until the dreads start growing back.
Riles is a dreamer. He’s comfortable with his sexuality and doesn’t need you to “OK” it for him. Is secretly in love with his best friend.
Texts you stuff like “without me? ;)” when you say you’re going to sleep
He means well. Always the friend but never the boyfriend. Poor Russell.
He’s the guy next door you’ve been in love with since you were five – and he’s been friendzoning you since then. When he introduces you to his frat he says you’re “practically brother and sister” while you quietly die inside.
Sam is bored. He’s bored of his hair, he’s bored of his job and he’s bored of never being the only Sam you know.
Will let you fall asleep in his bathtub drunkenly and only avoid eye contact with you for a week before he finally welcomes you back into his social circle, always with the slight look of concern though. But that’s just because Scott’s a nice guy.
Sean’s mom walked in on you two hooking up in high school and then sat you down and talked to you about it for the next hour.
May or may not have a rat tail/mullet and definitely overuses toothpicks after a meal to pick his teeth so you just get a straight shot at some Shane gums because that’s just what Shanes do
Shawn is shitty at both actual skateboarding and Tony Hawk Pro Skater but he still thinks he’s going to make it big. Still actively shops at Hot Topic and talks incessantly about “going to shows” by which he means Warped Tour.
When you fell down in the middle school playground, most people would ask if you were OK, but Spencer is exactly the kind of guy who would laugh himself hoarse.
Steve’s definitely sleeping with your girlfriend.
Gets mistaken for a girl and pokes holes in condoms.
Haaaave you met Ted? He’s really bad at talking to girls.
Everyone knows a shit guy named Tom. Tom will take you out to dinner and order a bottle of wine only to have you split the check. Fuck you Tom.
Trent wears Fox Racing t-shirts from Pac-Sun and calls his friends his “boys.”
The hipster friend of Troy.
Tristan is always the first to pick up a guitar at a party and start strumming. “What?” you may ask. Probably some shit cover of Wonderwall because he taught himself guitar after his dad stopped paying for lessons. Maybe he’ll throw in some Ed Sheeran too and the next thing you know Tristan is gone…and so is your friend Meghan… and the bathroom door is locked….
He’s a fucking walking paradox, no he’s not.
Victor plays the violin and his parents think he’s too good for you. He probably is.
Owns a shirt that says ‘curls before girls’, and means it. Introduces himself as “Vinny from Long Island.”
Will likes to think he does what he wants, but really he follows the crowd in every aspect of his life. He wants to be the first to tell you about the coolest new thing that he read on VICE, but when he discovers everyone knew about it weeks ago, he resorts to talking about how cool it is in every conversation instead.
Your consummate frat guy who’s a big believer in shit coke being better than no coke. Has a house in the Hamptons and full access to his dad’s credit card.
Xander is a fake feminist who’s really mad that his moody Tumblr never took off.
Wait, do you spell it with a “ck” or a “ch”? Oh with a “k”? K bye.
CONTRIBUTORS: Amanda Ross, Ashley Webster, Caroline Phinney, Charlie Capel, Eleni Mitzali, Harry Shukman, Jennie Gale, Laura FitzPatrick, Matt Gibson, Matt McDonald and Sarah Desiderio.