But who is the biggest Disney fuckboy?

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who watched Disney films. Hours of Disney films. Parades of dimple-chinned, wide-eyed, handsome men and beautiful-albeit-vapid princesses. The little girl was enraptured by this, and couldn’t wait to grow up to be her very own Disney princess, and bag her very own Disney prince. And then the little girl grew up, and realised that life (thankfully) isn’t like that. The end.

For little kids, Disney leading men are supposed to be the epitome of romance, chivalry, bravery, good manners. Ostensibly they’re the ultimate gentlemen, there to brighten the incomplete lives of the princesses they’re invariably saving. When you grow up though, you start to realise that it’s not quite right.

Rewatching Disney films in your twenties should be enjoyable. It should be nothing but a warm glow of nostalgia, reminding you of simpler times. But you can’t help but compare every Prince Charming on screen to the less-than-charming everyday guys you know. And far from being the Man On A Pedestal, you’re surprised to find that they have more in common than you think. Actually, magic and kingdoms and banging musical numbers aside, Disney boys are the same fuckboys you find in real life.

But mirror mirror on the wall, which one is definitively the worst of them all?

Gaston

The fuckboy to end all fuckboys, nobody quite matches Gaston in the douchebag stakes. Biceps to spare? Check. Mistrust of clever women? Check. Obnoxiously low-cut muscle T-shirt? Double check.

He eats three dozen eggs every morning, but don’t expect him to stick around to cook any breakfast for you. And don’t worry – he may be roughly the size of a barge, but not where it matters. There’s a dark side of roids that no-one ever tells you about.

The Beast

Honestly, fuck the Beast. He’s the kind of jealous creature who’ll check your messages when you’re not around, or get all overprotective if he catches any wolves making eyes at you: a real white knight who doesn’t let you fight your own battles.

“Who’s Gaston?” he’ll roar, cradling your phone in his monstrous paws; if he sees him on a night out, he’ll probably try and fight him. He’ll emotionally blackmail you with his library and his “boo-hoo-I-used-to-be-a-man-now-I’m-a-weird-lion-bear” sob story, but really you’d rather a provincial life than awkward weekends feeling trapped at his parents’ house in the country.

Prince Eric

Let’s be honest, Eric didn’t love Ariel for her charming personality or the hilarious jokes they shared together. Seriously, he takes not listening to his girlfriend to a whole new level – she doesn’t say a single fucking thing, and he goes ahead and takes that as a sign that she should marry her.

Get with the times Eric, you dick.

Hercules

You look me in the eye and tell me Hercules isn’t the kinda guy who takes Instagram selfies of him holding whey protein and selfies in the gym with #gettingthere #gains #demigod. He does not deserve Meg. Meg is too smart for him. Also, he needs to focus on leg day.

Prince Florian

Dude, she was asleep. Asleep. He’s the ultimate creep – and who the fuck names their kid Florian?

Aladdin

The classic bad boy your mum doesn’t want you to EVER date: he steals shit (“Only what I can’t afford!” he’ll protest) and has an unlicensed pet monkey to put Bieber to shame.

Your mum warned you about him, yet you’re somehow still surprised when you find out he isn’t really gonna pay for dinner because he’s “skint.” Weirdly, he still has enough money for golden lamps and fancy carpets and parades of hundreds of elephants.

Jafar

It’s not even the fact that he made Jasmine dress up in that weird bikini thing or that he trapped her in his jar of sand – it’s his beard. He has a fuckboy goatee and he probably puts argon oil in it, that’s the kind of man he is.

John Smith

The original Mr Steal-your-girl. And land.

Li Shang

Li Shang is the guy who tries to improve you until you feel like you owe him some sort of debt. Oh, thanks for the workout plan Li Shang; oh Li Shang, thanks for teaching me how to climb up this greased pole and fetch the arrow.

You know what, Li Shang? Mulan can train perfectly well on her own, whether she’s a dude or not.

Peter Pan 

Grow the fuck up Peter. We’d all prefer to mess around and live our lives responsibility-free, but that’s not realistic. You’re going to have to commit to something and someone eventually. Go back to the real world, put on some real goddamn pants, and get a job. Honestly, it’s embarrassing.

Tarzan

Oh Tarzan, have you been at the gym again? I wouldn’t have guessed, apart from the fact you howl about it the whole fucking time. Put a shirt on and stop hanging around with those knuckleheaded gorilla friends of yours and maybe I’ll let you swing into my DMs again.

Simba

Simba is the classic example of the boy who can’t commit because they run away from all their problems. Oh, I’ve got a lot of family pressure, my dad was really successful Yeah, he shows off, yeah he’s got talent and comes from a well-respected family, but when it comes down to it, he’s a little boy a bit too big for his boots. He even sings about being king… sit down Simba.

Eugene

You know the guy you meet who lies about everything? His name, his job, his deal, his status as a wanted man, his background? Yeah, that’s this guy. Fuckin’ “Flynn” over here. He’s the classic laid back fuckboy who doesn’t even panic when he’s caught out on his endless lies.

He’s got some sob story cover, like “oh nobody liked me as Eugene! I wasn’t being myself! I’m misunderstood! I promise I just got off with her once!”

Prince Hans

Do you really need a reason why Hans is the biggest fuckboy of them all? He acts like he’s not gonna screw you over, that he loves your little quirks, singing about sandwiches and proposing to you and offering warm blankets to your citizens, but in reality he’s gonna ditch you for the next girl faster than you can say “love is an open door.”

“Oh Anna, if only there was someone who loves you,” he’ll text when he’s finally become bored. He thinks it’s an amicable way of telling you to fuck off and stop messaging. Turns out he didn’t love crazy after all.

Kristoff

Kristoff acts like he’s better than Hans, but he might actually be worse. Unbearably judgemental about your decisions (“You got engaged to someone you just met that day?”), completely oblivious to your advances and totally reluctant to introduce you to his family of weird pebble trolls until you’re literally dying, Kristoff doesn’t deserve you but assumes you’ll end up with him anyway.

You can put your shiny new sleigh and your cute reindeer and the fact you’re a real-life ice salesman on your Tinder profile all you want. I’m not going to swipe right.

Prince Charming

He spent an entire night with Cinderella and couldn’t even remember what she looked like the next day.

@rosielanners