An examination of the tragic but endearing poses boys pull in photos

Why is it that whenever we talk about the dangers of shallow, meaningless social media, we always talk about girls? Girls who take selfies, girls who send nudes, girls being vain, girls being judgemental. Actually, if we’re going to talk about the real depths of social media, the real ninth circle of hell stuff, we should be talking about boys and the awful poses they pull in photos. Like this stuff:

The lil ‘o’ face

Basically the male equivalent of the shocked scene-kid face girls used to do on Myspace. Basic af. If it was an emoji it would be this : o

The ‘OK’ symbol

Two finger points AND an ok hand!!

For the man who wants to look like he’s nailing whatever he’s doing in a laid back, even blasé way, but also has mild anxiety about what he should do with his hands in photographs.

The upside down selfie

Every woman in the world has learned that if you look up towards the camera it’s flattering and makes you look slimmer, clears your skin, is generally very forgiving. So it’s very confusing that men have turned this general rule of photography upside down and somehow thinks it looks good.

The number one

I guess at one point this was supposed to mean that you are number one, the real MVP, the one who is the best. But all I’m saying is now ISIS use it in all their pictures so you personally should probably stop. 

The ‘hunger games’

Three fingers in the air, the whole crew are on it. You guys have an inside joke, that’s so nice for you.

The fist bump

Oh that’s it, yeah right there. Guys? Have you heard this filthy beat? This dirty tekkers? His fist slowly rises, his mouth goes “ooosh”, his eyes widen in absolute disbelief, he cannot sense what is coming. It is here. The beat has arrived. He looks round and he’s the only one at it. He is a dirty little beat fiend and you will never love house music like this man does.

The bench press

Mid-press on the right

He has just entered the room and the room is going to get vibesier. He rocks his arms back and fourth as though bench pressing the weight of this heavy heavy night. This is the equivalent of a caveman beating his chest. Man here. Man have fun. Man listen to music. Man party.

The fist-on-the-floor team pic

Two crouching at the front, three at the back. You aren’t in NFL, and now you have sticky knuckles. Still, you can’t wait to bang it on the ‘gram.

The peace up A-town down

The not-so-rude rudeboy. The two-fingered approach is for when you don’t want to do a middle finger because you have your mum on Facebook, but you think a conventional peace sign would make you look like an awkward tourist in front of Buckingham Palace. You settle on two fingers, back of the hand facing outwards, hand clenched closely to your chest. Ain’t nobody fucking with your clique, mate, you pasty-faced rap god.

The BOTH HANDS IN THE AIR, BEER IN ONE ‘WOO’ pic

You are having so much fun

The dab

Hun it’s nearly 2017 leave it. 

The concerned but not really concerned

Is it because the flash hurt your eyes? Did you see a lost and wandering cat in the distance? No, you just pick to invert your eyebrows as soon as someone takes a photo because it makes you look, concerned? What are you concerned for? The state of the economic climate, Trump’s Presidency, that girl over there getting creeped on? You don’t really look pensive, you just look confused. Nothing can ever be bright enough for you to squint like this in a picture, stop it. 

Blue Steel

You don’t need to contour when your father passes down cheekbones like this.

The ‘I’m mad’

Mate, I am a social butterfly. I go out loads. I mean yeah I’m out with my buddies from uni tonight, but tomorrow I’m busy, sports dinner, and then I’m off to a festival. The only pose that correctly sums up how amazingly outgoing and fun I am is this, tongue out, surrounded by my beloved pals. Yeah, beers in. Get the beers in, go out, yes mate. Why are these people never as interesting, fun or happy as they look? Lmk.

The phone that’s not really a phone it’s a drink

IT LOOKS LIKE A PHONE HOW IS IT THE SYMBOL FOR DRINKS.

The point at the camera

You’re not one for pictures. You’re not one for attention. But, you are fun, to an extent. To the extent that you go out once a month, to a dinner party, and end up in a club, against your will. Your hands are more attractive than your face you feel, so you let the photographer focus his picture on your index finger, and your unkempt face melts into the background – out of focus, but into profile picture contention right?

The seductive finger on your lip

Point, finger in the air, AND seductive finger on lip: A HAT-TRICK

My diemma: I know I’m really sexy, I want to look really sexy, but I also want to show everyone how much of a bloody massive laugh I am. I know, I’ll put one finger strategically on my lower lip (show em what they’re missing), but i’ll really exaggerate it by tilting my head down and raising my eyebrows. I don’t look creepy at all. Nailed it.

The Old Etonian

I am rich la la la I’ve got lots of money tra la la la school was the best time in my life fah la la la la. 

The thumbs up

Oh, bless your little heart you poor thing.

Contributions from Tom Jenkin, Oli Dugmore, Daisy Bernard, Bobby Palmer, Bella Eckert, Grace Vielma and Laura Fitzpatrick.

@rosielanners