Everything your girlfriend doesn’t want for Christmas

One December 23rd, I was over at an ex-boyfriend’s house to celebrate Christmas with him before he and his family went on a winter vacation. I sat under the tree with a perfectly wrapped box in my hand – I had spent hours online shopping for the perfect gift for him and I was almost too excited to watch him unwrap it. He handed me the boxes he had bought for me and I died with excitement – until I realized I was unwrapping a package of gum that had been wrapped as though it was the earring set of my dreams.

Boyfriends can really suck at the whole Christmas gift thing, and most of the time it’s not because they’re being dicks – they just don’t know how to navigate through nastygal.com, the aisles of Ulta or the sales rack at Topshop. That basically sounded like a foreign language to you, didn’t it guys? So, even if you decide to order something simple from home so you don’t have to brave the masses of confused boyfriends and obsessive moms at Victoria’s Secret, here are some things your girlfriend doesn’t want for Christmas.

Candles

You know who likes to get candles for Christmas? My mom. I stop by Yankee Candle every year for her. I bet your mom would love a Yankee Candle, too – just don’t buy me one. I already have tons of candles from the half-ass “thank you” notes or best friend gifts I have gotten my entire life. Aspire to better.

Bath & Body Works anything

I love me some Bath & Body Works, but every woman has way too many of their products. If you buy me the bath gel, lotion and shampoo set, it is just going in my closet to die. I have hand and foot lotions in every color of the rainbow sitting under my sink and hand sanitizers in “OMG Berry” and “Too Sweet! Sugar” rotting in my car. Please don’t make me think of you when a cheap B&B lipgloss explodes all over my purse – I won’t be happy.

Jewelry we didn’t pick out

Chances are we have very different tastes in jewelry – and by different tastes, I mean your taste is stuck in 2005. As much as I would love a necklace with a heart or butterfly charm, please skip the jewelry unless I asked for something specific.

A gift card

Buying someone a gift card for Christmas is only acceptable if the person you are buying it for is a 15-year-old boy or the recipient is saving up for some badass thousand dollar gadget and you’re too broke to provide the real thing. Gift cards scream lazy. Hey Monica! I was too lazy to ask your friends what top you would want from your favorite store and actually trek over there, so I bought you a gift card! Hey Lindsay! I was too lazy to even THINK about what I wanted to get you, so I bought you an Applebee’s giftcard! I tooooootally deserve your heart.

Anything with the word ‘girlfriend’ on it

Unless your girlfriend is 12, she would probably prefer not to receive ANYTHING with the word “girlfriend” on it. Girlfriend/boyfriend gifts just scream generic. I know you got that plushy bear at Walmart on your way over here, Jeremy. At least pick up some flowers and my favorite DVD if you need to present shop last minute at the grocery.

Cleaning supplies

Honestly, if you buy me a mop or a vacuum for Christmas, I am going to be offended. It is fucking 2016. I am not your maid. I clean because its a necessity – since cleaning is a necessity, cleaning supplies are a necessity. Necessities aren’t a gift. Do better.

Gloves and scarves

Do you know where I get my gloves? My grandma knits me gloves. Unless you are giving me gloves or a scarf that you made from your heart and your fingers being pricked like my cute little grandma, don’t try it.

Sexy underwear that is clearly for your gain

Sure, every woman loves to receive a sexy bra in her favorite color or a pair of lace panties that make her feel cheeky under her favorite dress. Your girlfriend might even like some lingerie to spice up New Year’s Eve. But please don’t try to convince us that you bought that “Sexy Mrs. Claus” costume or “Jingle My Bells” set for us. We know where this is going.

Anything your mom picked out

I know that Linda helped you pick out that dress from Dress Barn because who under 40 shops at Dress Barn? I know that Jen helped you pick out that Tapioca cooking set because who under 40 eats Tapioca? I might love your mom, but chances are she doesn’t know too much about me beyond that I am a lovely woman with a bright and brilliant future. Don’t let her pick out my gifts. Think about how much you ~love~ your gifts from her. If you cringed, maybe you feel me a little bit more.

Self-help books

George, why do you think I need How I Learned to be a Better Me in 30 days? Am I not already good enough for you? Why would I have to learn How to Lose 20 pounds every 20 minutes? I will never read these books. They will stare at me from the shelves every time I am considering why I am still with you. Leave the Chicken Soup for the Soul at the public library where it belongs.

Gum

Read my story above.