Everything that happens when you get really drunk with your best friend

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Everything that happens when you get really drunk with your best friend

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, NO LISTEN, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND

by The Tab

Many people pass in and out of your life, but none truly know you as well as your best friend. Brought together by fate and the universe, you get each other like nobody else, and that means when there’s a holiday, weekend or any excuse to reunite and get probably fucking pissed together, it’s going to be a real event. An event that probably includes all of this and more.

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She’ll come over wearing something and leave the house wearing your entire wardrobe

“Oh, do you know what would look really nice, that black crop top you have, would you mind -” The words “of course not” have barely passed your lips before she emerges in the top, half your jewellery and your shoes, looking somehow better than you and utterly grateful. You can’t even be angry.

You’ll put off getting a taxi to the club til the last minute

It will be fine! You know the bouncer! He’ll let you in! (He won’t.)

Talk very very intensely about how much you love in each other

Seriously no other friendships compare. Not Megan’s, not Bella’s, not Grace’s. NO ONE’s. You’re so in friend love in fact that you start to make other people uncomfortable.

When a boy comes onto you and you do that thing where you pretend to be together and say ‘she’s my girlfriend’

Gets them every time.

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You will both fancy the same boy for some of the night

But pretend you won’t care if the other one gets with him instead. He wasn’t really your type anyway.

Compliment each others’ outfits

All. The. Time. When you’re really drunk you say things like “if I were a lesbian…” which is actually too much.

You’ll order ‘that drink’

Maybe it’s an Espresso Martini, maybe it’s a Jagerbomb. Everyone has a best-friends-drink, and you will be drinking copious numbers of them tonight.

The cheers will be constant

Woo, cheers gal! To a big one! To being 22! To being single and independent! To your new job! To getting rid of him! To that amazing dress! To that cleavage! To that time you shouted at that shop assistant! To that time we got in at 6am remember?! We’re so great! Yeah fucking cheers to us!

You ask how their families are in the first person

“How is Julia, that divine lady?” “Yeah mum’s good”.

Make extravagant plans you will never be able to afford to do/have no intention of doing

Oh my gosh, did you know Duck and Waffle stays open 24 hours? Let’s go tonight, later. We have so much we can do. Shall we do a weekend in Florence? What are you up to the weekend after next? Let’s look now on our phones. We should go to Argentina. We’ll just go, it will be chill – I’m sure work will be fine with it we’ll just ask for extended holiday.

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You’ll do her lipstick with your new amazing matte liquid lipstick in the cab

You’ll tell her she looks great. She doesn’t.

You’ll tell her that thing you decided you’d never tell anyone ever

(Like when you did anal.)

Every time you see each other you remember that thing that happened

Remember that time you fell over? Remember that time you were sick on yourself? That time you pulled a real minger? Let’s spend all night reminding each other how classic we are. Literally we are the best people in here. Don’t try and chime in because you had to be there.

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Getting overly aggressive when someone bumps into them

DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BEST FRIEND LIKE THAT SHE IS FRAGILE YET INDEPENDENT.

Genuinely getting ready to bottle a creepy guy for touching her bum

I’m sorry but who do you think you are you actual perv? Someone hold me back.

You take it in turns to take pictures of each other and carefully curate a ‘look how fun we are’ snapchat

Will include fit pics of yourself (some sultry, some fun), plus live video of other boys to make male fans jealous. Of course there will be one of you looking cute that says “reunited at last” or “back with my girl”.

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You refuse to not get in the same cab

Subtly, though. “There’s only two in here, can you come in this one?” “What? What oh I can’t hear you, ah, I best just jump in here (heh, heh, heh)”.

Needlessly sticking fingers down their throat when they feel a bit sick

I will stick my fingers down my throat whether you like it or not. Trust me it will make you feel better, come here. No you can’t go home early.

You’re both really sassy to someone you’d normally be nice to if you weren’t together

Because Becky is a bitch and she needed someone to give her the eye.

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Get angry about one of their ex boyfriends

Honestly, you’re so much better than him!

Bitch about your other friends and their boyfriends

Ugh will she stop talking about Ben. It must be so dull loving a man more than you love each other.

You’ll talk obsessively about that fit guy you used to shag

But you’re so over him it’s chill. You have to quickly run her through his topless holiday snaps, though. It would be rude not to.

Convince each other you don’t need men

You’ll discuss at length how much easier it would be if you could just sack off men and be with each other.

You’ll have to calm down the people she’s pissed off

Whether it’s the guy from the dancefloor who’s baseball cap she stole, the one who took her spot in front of the bar or that girl who she thinks used to get with her ex – she’ll inevitably piss someone off. It’s your job to keep the peace and stop a fight kicking off, as usual. What would she do without you?

You can tell when they need to slow down

Maybe they look fine to everyone else, but you know that face and you know where it’ll head to. If she knows you know she’ll get really touchy about it, so you try and subtly switch her vodka lemonade for just lemonade and hope she doesn’t notice. It’s you that’ll be taking her home early or clearing up the pieces, and you’re not going to let that happen again.

She says she doesn’t want chips and ends up eating more than half of yours

She’s adamant she’s not hungry, she had a big dinner, she says. But the second you open that cardboard box, she’s in there like a vulture picking away at your cheesy chips until there’s pretty much none left.

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Brush every little time they’ve annoyed you under the carpet, then let it all come out at once

“Ah I’ve been a total bitch to you lately, it’s just been so tough since Chris left me.”

“Nah, I’ve been awful too, I should’ve supported you more… God we should do this more often!”

“Why don’t we do this every weekend?!”

“Hun let’s do it again next weekend, Nick’s here, we can get really fucked and go to that thing he was talking about.”

“Oh shit yeah, his really fit mates are coming too.”

“See, there she is, he’s back, there’s my gal”

“Ah I’ve fucking missed this.”

By Grace Vielma, Bella Eckert, Daisy Bernard and Tom Jenkin. 

@TheTab

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