Don’t ask me how many people I’ve slept with, it’s none of your business

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Don’t ask me how many people I’ve slept with, it’s none of your business

Why does it matter what my ‘number’ is?

Some of us keep a vague tally, some of us don’t keep track and some of us have a multi-category table giving marks out of ten for everything from small talk to marriage material (just to clarify, I have definitely never, ever done that last one). But whether you keep score or not, your “number” is definitely no one’s business but your own.

Whether it’s your boyfriend, husband, long term partner or a guy you’ve just been chatting to on Tinder, the number of sexual partners you’ve had should have absolutely no relevance to your relationship and under absolutely no circumstances should they try forcing you to tell them.

Among my female friends I’m pretty open about how many people I’ve slept with. I feel absolutely no shame when I find my number is higher than someone else’, and likewise if someone has slept with a considerable amount more than me I’m prone to applauding them rather than judging them for it. But I feel altogether different when it comes to the same topic with guys I’m dating.

Personally, I feel the number of partners you’ve had should have absolutely no bearing on how another person feels about you. For some reason, however, some guys (and girls as well I’m sure) seem to think differently. I spoke to a few girls about their different experiences surrounding the issue.

“A guy actually cried because I wouldn’t tell him,” said one girl. “He said he had been betrayed before because a girl had told him five when in fact it was twenty-five – like this is any of his business. I stopped talking to him after that.” And seriously, why would you care?

Honesty is important but can you blame a girl for lying when she’s been made to feel like there’s something shameful about how many people she’s slept with? This is just yet another example of how girls are made to adhere to impossible standards; if she hasn’t slept with anyone she’s a prude, if she’s slept with a load then she’s a slut, and both are judged to be somehow less deserving of being in a relationship.

Another girl gave a different perspective. “My boyfriend and I have been together for eighteen months and we still haven’t talked about how many people we’ve slept with. The only people we’ve mentioned are people who are still in our friendship circles so that it doesn’t feel like we’re hiding that from each other. In a previous relationship we told our sex numbers and I hated it, I always mulled over who these girls were and resented knowing.”

This raises another valid point; why would you want to haunt your own relationship with the past? If you’ve got a history with a mutual friend then yes, owning up to it is probably best to prevent your partner from feeling excluded if (more likely when) they find out. But let’s be honest here, what is knowing your partner’s number going to achieve? It opens up all kinds of issues.

As a girl, I’ve noticed it can cause real problems if you’ve slept with more people than your partner; it’s not even just a matter of them thinking you’re promiscuous or a ‘slut’ (which sadly can happen) it’s the fact that it often causes them to feel insecure about how they match up if they’re less experienced than you. They can become hung up on the issue and it’s quite a big downer when a guy breaks the silence after a brilliant shag to tentatively ask, “Um, so, was that… OK for you?”

When it comes down to it, we all have a history. Yes, we should be honest and open with our partners but when it comes to the number of people we’ve had sex with I just don’t see how it can be relevant if you truly care for someone. If I’m honest, if a guy seemed hung up on the issue and determined to know, it would probably cause me to lose trust in him; if it matters that much to you how many people I’ve slept with then we definitely don’t share the same values and we’re probably not that compatible anyway. So seriously, everyone, just leave numbers out of it.