I’m genuinely starting to get a bit worried about Piers Morgan now
U ok hun?
Somewhere out there in the world, a woman has done a thing. Piers Morgan stirs in his sleep. His ears twitch. He runs to the top of the nearest hill, his eyes glinting in the moonlight. He tips back his head. In the distance, a wolf howls. Piers Morgan inhales deeply, preparing to scream to the heavens: “WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.”
His latest Thing He Definitely Cares About In Real Life Not For Teenagers Internet Attention was Saturday’s women’s march, which he roundly attacked with a level of predictability that to me – and this is just me saying this – seemed a little bit like a cry for help. OK, just hear me out.
It’s easy to get angry about Piers Morgan. Obviously that’s the easy reaction. You see his vitriolic hatefulness on Twitter or in his aneurysm-inducing column, invariably complaining about Kim Kardashian or Emily Ratajkowski showing a shoulder or a toe, and you think ‘fuck, what a dickhead’.
Obviously you want to tweet him death threats or make fun of the fact he looks like an unimpressive realistic version of the Crimson Chin. Yes, of course, but all I’m asking is before you do that, you try to have some compassion.
I think Piers Morgan is very very unhappy. This is the only way of explaining the non-stop bile spewing on Twitter, the apoplectic rage over the tiniest thing any woman does anywhere on this earth. I think he is very sad and very bored and very unfulfilled and actually, I’m really quite worried about him. Maybe all of this is him trying to tell us how much he needs us.
Because there’s no other explanation. There’s no other reason why a fully grown, educated professional man would tweet the playground insults and me-me-me diatribes that Piers Morgan puts out into the world while pretending to be well adjusted and normal and sane. And once you suppress the initial angry knee-jerk response to his wisdom, you can’t help but feel sorry for him. I mean, he’s even being parred by King of The Nerds Ed Miliband.
Does anyone laugh at Piers Morgan’s jokes in real life? Does his wife? Does the crew on Good Morning Britain? Or do they snicker behind his back at how desperately, desperately he wants to remain in fashion, relevant, to be seen as the guy who doesn’t care, who considers everything just a bit of a bloody bit of banter yeah? Even though he obviously cares so. fucking. much.
He’s on Twitter constantly and on breakfast TV constantly because at heart he’s just terrified that everyone will inevitably forget about him. So like the loser on the edges of your 15-year-old friendship group, he deliberately says controversial things, because at least if people say they hate him, at least if they’re rolling their eyes at him, then that means somebody somewhere is looking at him.
I just feel bad for him.
If you’re reading this Piers, and you need a friend, just DM me OK? We can talk.
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