Which girl in the WhatsApp group chat are you?
Tag yourselves I’m the thirst trap
Ah, the gals group chat. The fountain of all knowledge, romantic advice, gossip, memes and unwanted dickpics. Where would your social life be without it? Where would you be without them? The group chat thrives because of the goddesses within it and how their personalities fit together. Remove one piece and the whole thing falls apart. For it to be a truly successful glo-up group chat, you need all of these guys.
The thirsty one
Whenever they contribute to the conversation it’s only ever in screenshots. Is this guy on Bumble fit? Lol here is someone I’ve already slept with that I matched with. Omg look at these holiday pictures though. Everyone makes a huge show of being annoyed at this person for only ever talking about guys, but c’mon, what would you do without her updating you by the second when someone breaks up with their girlfriend on Instagram.
The one who just says ‘haha’ or crying emoji
Brilliant, yeah, thanks for the contribution Emma.
In case you haven’t already seen the Time Hop she’s publicly tagged you in on Facebook, here it is again in the WhatsApp group, for even more of the world to see. It’s a photo of you with one boob hanging out and your head down the toilet on a girls holiday FIVE YEARS AGO and it’s captioned “Ahahahaha”.
She cries on nights out about the good old days. She brings up these embarrassing stories at other times too, sometimes in front of new friends or boyfriends. She uploads photos captioned ‘#reunited with my gals”. Sometimes she is too much and needs to learn to live in the present – but you know what, she bloody loves you gals and you love her too.
Girl who always ruins the vibe with very serious points
“Seriously girls the kitchen situation is getting out of hand” she’ll send down the house chat in the middle of a debrief on last night in the club. “Omg, this is so sad” with a link to a kidnapped dog in your area smack bang in the middle of outfit mirror pics. You love her, of course, because in real life she’s empathetic and sweet and always there when you need a shoulder to cry on, she’s that kind of soul.
But in group chat format, that’s just not very classic. How do you tell a dear dear friend that yes, you’re aware of what’s happening in Aleppo and it’s terribly concerning but for fuck’s sake Heather I had a really funny meme to send and now you’ve killed the mood.
You, your social life and this group chat would be nothing – nothing – without the organiser. She’s like a mum, but one posts an emergency message at 3am to get everyone to gather outside the club and hold you up as you’re vomming on the pavement. She arranges your holidays, she knows how many taxis to book, who’s doing pre-drinks and when to arrive.
If she wasn’t here you would literally never see any of your friends in real life. She is an angel sent from heaven to save your social life.
The romantic oracle
“What the fuck look at this”. Someone has panicked and sent down five screenshots from their conversation with some fuckboy. “I’m not being crazy right? Wtf should I say”. This person is looking for support, for confirmation that the boy is a dick, not them, and for a shoulder to cry on in text form. But they’re also looking for advice, and the romantic oracle will give it. She’ll tell you how long to wait to text them back, what to say and how to say it.
She’ll pick your best selfies for the gram when she magically knows when they’ll be online, and she’ll be the one giving you tough love and telling you to categorically stop getting with them when it all gets too much. Whether it’s “keep it easy breezy” or “fuck up all of their shit” she knows exactly what to do. Just give her your phone and let her organise your love life forever.
“Anyone up for this???” she posts optimistically with a link to a Resident Advisor event four months in advance. It’s a Sunday and everyone is hungover but itching for another big night out, so obviously the uptake is enthusiastic. Everyone drops £20 on a ticket, everyone starts planning their outfit and it’s mentioned offhand at least once a week for the foreseeable future. Then, two days before the big day, it’s her: “Guys I’m so so sorry I completely spaced out and I’m going back to mums that weekend!!” You wondered why she’d been so quiet when you were asking about pre-drinks at hers.
She offers her ticket for £15 in the group and everyone ignores her. Good.
The one who sends links to news stories (mainly terrorism) hours after they’ve broken
“Stay safe girlies xxx”
The one who is always busy with work
Not too busy enough to tell us all about it though right.
She’s got the chat on mute and doesn’t engage with any of the gossiping, event planning or general bitching. She’ll pitch in every couple of weeks with an emoji in response to the most recent chat, to which all the gals reply “omg you’re alive!!!?”
The one who leaves
You may as well have punched us all in the face and insulted our family – there’s no going back from this.
The one who always roasts you for your Snapchat selfies
“Omg you must have been so drunk last night. Look at these: *sends screengrab of your pouty Snapchat* *sends screengrab of your pouty Snapchat* *sends screengrab of your pouty Snapchat*” STOP. You think you look great anyway.
The one who never helps make ANY plans
She’ll be dormant while the rest of you spend hours deciding what you’re doing later only to appear once everyone is happy with a ‘Sorry just I was sleeping but this sounds great thanks for sorting!’ Every. Single. Time. Just once can you have an opinion?
The one who moved away but is still in the chat
It was cool when she was here and all but since she left all she wants is for you to miss her. Her favorite thing to say is ‘Without me?’ whenever you’re trying to plan something with the girls who are actually in the same time zone. Our life didn’t stop because you left. Let us plan our Friday night without your FOMO.
We still love you though please hit us up when you’re back.
The one who sees every message but never responds
If you click on the little ‘info’ bit beside her name you’ll be caught somewhere between heartbroken and furious. Why do you open the messages if you don’t want to respond? Why don’t you just mute the chat? Do you think this is some sort of sick joke? You deliberately start subtweeting her in WhatsApp format with “to anyone who sees this haha!!” passive aggressive jokes. But in true form, she sees these and does not respond.
The one who sends pictures of dogs
In her defence, he is a really good boy.
The one who only ever sends memes
She’s the best part of the group chat. She probably hasn’t even typed actual words in days but you know she’s there and just a bit better at life than you because of her memes. Talking brunch plans? She has a meme for that. Fuckboy chat? Endless memes. She’s even got a meme for letting you know what time she’ll meet you later. Never leave us pls.
The one who sends pass aggressive messages and no one knows what to say
It’ll always begin with “Girls, sorry to nag, but”, followed by some nasty-ass message about you owing her taxi money/not liking one of her photos rounded off with a love heart or kisses that she somehow thinks makes everything sweet and peachy.
The two best friends who make everyone else feel left out
These two are always making jokes like “Oh my GOD, do you REMEMBER that?!” and everyone else in the chat has to sit there like “No, actually, we don’t.”
The one who responds with selfies instead of words
It’s usually an upwards shot from under their lecture desk, leaving you with an unobscured view straight up their nostrils. The only thing that changes is the color of the ceiling behind them. Doesn’t matter what you’ve said or asked them – expression is always the same.
The one who only answers occasionally but is always on point
She usually has the chat on mute, but when she stop drop in, you know she’s going to drop some serious realness on you all. If you and someone else in the chat are arguing – you want her on your side.
The one who always drunk messages
“I loev you gys im sooooooo drnk lool ha ha”
The one who always falls asleep after making group plans
How convenient, Alex.
The one who is always inviting you out with her boyfriend
“Jake and I are going to the diner in ten – anyone want to come?” . . . sounds fun.
The one who sends everything in a million messages instead of one
You need to stop. The lecturer has noticed my phone lighting up, and if I reach for it, he’s going to call me out in front of everyone. I know what you’re saying isn’t that important.
The one who uses the group chat as a place to brag about her drunken hookups
“LOL omg guys I’m so crazy, I just woke up in some random guy’s bed tehehe fa la la…” WE GET IT! And what’s more, we probably saw you leave the bar with him after asking us at least 20 times “He’s cute, right?” No, not really. But weekend after weekend we can expect an update from you about who the lucky guy was this weekend while the only thing the rest of us are waking up with is a mix of a hangover and ping of annoyance when we see your message and feel left out.
Contributions from Daisy Bernard, Grace Vielma, Bella Eckert, Lucy Woodham, Jennie Gale, Sarah Desiderio, Eleni Mitzali, Caroline Phinney and Amanda Ross.
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