Introducing the Wokeboy, the fakest type of fuckboy you’ll ever meet
He’s at the Women’s March but only to pick up girls
by Amanda Ross
“Her body, her choice!” he’s screaming the loudest, drowning out every female protestor before quickly looking around to see who noticed him start the chant. It’s performative, it’s disingenuous, and it’s classic fuckboy.
There’s a stark difference between straight guys who are actual allies in the fight for social justice and those who pose because they know it’s what they should be doing — he’s the Wokeboy.
The Wokeboy is skimming Ta-Nehisi Coates on the train, stroking his septum piercing thoughtfully and nodding like he understands while surreptitiously scanning the area’s women for someone who looks like they want their own reproductive system mansplained to them.
Imagine, if you will, the prototypical Wokeboy. He stands before you, beard out of control and puffing on a clove cigarette. He accuses you of child labor exploration because your sweater is from Forever 21 and talk about how eating sushi is cultural appropriation while the beginnings of white-person-dreadlocks peak out from under his beanie. The Wokeboy neither understands nor has time for irony because he’s busy fighting imaginary enemies — like Hillary’s emails.
This type of fuckboy is shockingly common, particularly in classically liberal areas. For instance, this case study of a man sliding into my friend Caroline’s DMs:
Literally ANY other reason would be a better reason to slide into my DMs pic.twitter.com/GMiSJM6XmK
— Caroline Phinney (@carolinephinney) January 23, 2017
Ah, yes. I know when I’m marching for my rights, I really like it when some dude from the Internet tags along and doesn’t stop trying to put his hand in my back jeans pocket.
And it’s not like this is an isolated incident. All of my female colleagues and I have spotted dozens of these Wokeboys lurking on Tinder and Bumble, posing with protest signs as their main profile photos. I’m an ally, their power stance and poster board says. You should reward me with fellatio. One of my coworkers even shared the story of his roommate who treks to liberal protests specifically to impress the hot SJW he wants to bang.
That’s the problem with the Wokeboy — he’s a bait-and-switch. You think you’re getting a socially conscientious man, but what you end up with a pretentious boy who gets all of his news from podcast Twitter feeds. Not even the actual podcasts, just the tweets. He says one thing but does another. He leads a “I believe that she will win!” chant on Nov. 7 but writes in Bernie the next day because she just seems dishonest and crooked. And why not? He’s a straight, (usually) white dude. What does he have to lose with a protest vote?
You’ll break up because he won’t stop picking fights with your dad over politics or calling you a “corporate slave” for going to work and paying the electricity bill every month. Eventually, after his phone gets shut off for insufficient payments, he’ll show up to your house, all stick-and-poke tattoos and “I’m sorrys.” Don’t let him or his hemp pants into your life or home.
Wait, never mind. He texted back.