It’s time someone said it: Adele is the absolute worst

When I watched her undeservedly take the Grammy from Beyonce and stand there, pandering and patronizing, speaking to the crowd like she had any valuable commentary to add to our national dialogue, it confirmed what I’d suspected all along: Adele really, truly, and irrevocably sucks.

Maybe it was the fact that she thought making a few comments on how Beyonce should have won was fine instead of I don’t know, maybe inviting Beyonce up? If she was truly upset about the unfairness, she should have refused to accept it. Maybe it’s the fact that we a society absolutely demonized Kanye for doing something similar while holding Adele aloft as such a generous icon? Adele is a convenient icon, only bothering to step in when it’ll most benefit her. She ceded to Beyonce only because she was backed into a corner on a national stage, forced to accept an award she knew she didn’t deserve.

To speak ill of Adele has become something tantamount to blasphemy, but I am here to burn her church down. It’s unclear to me exactly why she evokes the reverence she does — she seems to skate by on occasionally ’empowering’ quotes and a handful of alike-sounding albums.

Kicking things off, we examine the soulless vacuum that are her songs. She’s somehow managed to scam all of us into thinking she’s producing something artistic, interesting, worthy of your $12.99 on iTunes in this $8.50 minimum wage economy.

If a formulaic, same-four-chord song with quiet verses and explosive choruses that are all about the same fucking thing sounds like a super fun sing-along-in-the-car bop to you, then be my guest but also I’m unfriending you on Facebook because you’re clearly a bland-ass Cheerio of a human being.

I don’t understand how we blast some celebrities for doing the same thing we love from others. Even though I hate to defend this swizzle stick with a lipstick stain, both press and consumers have eviscerated one Taylor Swift (trademark Taylor Allison Swift, Swift Inc. copyright 2017 please don’t sue me) for a seemingly one-note writing subject: breakups. Adele brings us the same dead carcass of a song over and over like an alleycat learning to trust humans — it’s always about breaking up. She doesn’t change or innovate like other artists.

You could scramble the track listings on any of her albums and no one would ever notice. There are so many women in the industry constantly evolving and pushing themselves past the boundaries of comfort while Adele is untouchable for just standing there and singing.

Probably the biggest reason why Adele is so popular is because she’s perceived as a lily-white (read: white!) alternative to lots of other mainstream music stars. Adele is not a threat. Adele sings nice songs. Adele looks like Mother Goose. Adele wears JC Penney curtains onstage because she’s modest. Adele is sexless. Adele looks like when Mrs. Potts comes to life at the end of Beauty and the Beast. Old people like Adele because they’re scared of women who own their sexuality, who experiment with performances, who are, y’know, not white.

That’s the biggest problem with Adele: she is untouchable. While other artists get ripped apart for having the audacity to speak up about issues, try new things, experiment with sound and style, Adele is thought of as a ‘classy’ alternative. It’s hard not to think of things in the frame of race and sexuality and politics when more talented and innovative artists are demonized and passed up in favor of someone who stays constantly neutral.

Finally, Adele isn’t contributing much to our female society. She proudly wears the label ‘feminist’ and is championed by some as being a beacon of girl boss realness because she’s rich and famous. Becoming a household name doesn’t mean you’re propelling any part of our movement forward. She dislikes national healthcare and taxes and even said, “When I got my tax bill in, I was ready to go and buy a gun and randomly open fire.” Not only was that a gross and cruel joke about gun violence, but hearing a multimillionaire gripe about having to pay taxes is stomach-churning. Adele can shroud herself in the shawl of the everywoman, but I’m not buying it.

Sorry, Adele. No thanks.

Related stories recommended by this writer:
● Why I hate Beyoncé 
● All the best reactions to Adele breaking the Grammy last night 
● I truly do not understand why everyone is so obsessed with Carly Rae Jepsen