Cosmopolitan just told everyone to embrace the rusty trombone because they’ve reached peak Cosmopolitan

I have this weird, crippling fear occasionally that people will change sex without telling me. Like, everyone will just start doing sex completely differently, and I’ll just be left behind doing the wrong thing.

Everyone always says this is an irrational fear, but that was before Cosmopolitan magazine – the people who brought you sex tips like ‘find yourself a slutty looking yoga ball’ and ‘just, fucking like, put a donut on your boyfriend’s dick’ – published ‘how to do the rusty trombone correctly’.

“There are two types of people in this world”, Cosmopolitan writes. “Those who know what a rusty trombone is, and those who don’t”. Until recently I was one of the former, and it was a happier time, a simpler time, but now myself, and 51,000 other people, know exactly what it is and how to do it. Thanks Cosmo!

The rusty trombone, to be clear, is when you rim your partner from behind (the rusty bit), while giving them a handjob round the front (the trombone bit). Yep, that is what it is. But there’s all sorts of extra advice from Cosmo here. Like: “Surprise butt stuff is never, ever a good idea. Like ever — so don’t sneak it into sex to see how your partner reacts, discuss it first”. And also “take off your lipstick” and “you don’t need to get him to douche” (phew).

Then there’s this practical nugget: “The most common way to do this is have your partner stand with their legs slightly apart while you kneel behind them, stick your face in their butt, and reach around them to grasp their penis. It’s not the only option, though. You can also have your partner lie on their back with their butt off the edge of the bed, then stack pillows on the floor underneath them until you can rest your head on them and your tongue has access.”

Look, if you’re into rusty trombones and not hearing a high pitched noise ringing in your ears as you read this, obviously that’s fine. More power to you. Enjoy life. But seeing it illustrated, broken down in detail with the occasional Gwen Stefani gif, understandably has people shook. The comments underneath the Twitter and Facebook shares of the story are wild. 

https://twitter.com/lotuseatur/status/833428391210606593

If like me, you’re staring at this article about how to do a rusty trombone like a traumatised Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, then not to worry! There’s also a cuter, girly version. “Now your partner can give you the female-body-specific equivalent and combine rimming with fingering. If you’re guessing that there’d be a cutesy term for this, too, you’re absolutely right: it’s called a ‘rusty trumpet’!” Great, thanks Cosmo!

This is sex now, guys. This is the apocalyptic sexual landscape we all have to navigate. There’s no escaping it. Good luck.

@rosielanners