What was the straight-up dumbest thing that ever happened in 90210?
There’s a strong case for the time Annie ran over that homeless guy
by Bobby Palmer
“The good and the beautiful is not forgotten; it lives in legend and in song,” Hans Christian Anderson once wrote. But if Hans were right, surely we’d all still be talking about 90210?
It’s almost 10 years since everyone’s favourite trashy teen drama aired on The CW, and time hasn’t changed the way we feel about the kids of West Bev. More glitzy than Gossip Girl, more convoluted than The OC and a hell of a lot less boring than One Tree Hill, 90210 was the ultimate easy watch during our formative years – even if it did give us a bit of a skewed perception on teenage life.
Parents arguing? Steal their money and move to Australia. Unsure about your sexuality? Sleep with a 6’4″ bodybuilder at a pool party in Cancun. Struggling for a lift to school? Fuck it, I don’t know, take your friend’s dad’s Lamborghini and offer Snoop Dogg a ride along the way?
These are some of the most ridiculous, ludicrous, downright batshit stupid things that happened during the five seasons 90210 remained on air. Vote for the most absurd below.
Or more specifically, the way in which Ethan was hastily written out of the show. You remember him, right? The beige-looking jock who went out with Naomi?
Oh let’s be honest, the only thing you remember about Eeeeeeethan is the shrill way Annie constantly screamed his name, and you forgot about him and the fact he “moved to Montana” as soon as Liam first gave you his come-to-bed eyes.
Lol doesn’t Ethan have a relationship with a girl he runs over?
Yep. Her name was Rhonda. He crashed his car into her, forgot who she was when he bumped into her at school, then swiftly dated her for a brief period before getting bored and opting for Silver instead because who gives a shit about Rhonda, right?
Speaking of, how about Annie’s ‘Oops, I ran over a homeless person!’ storyline
I mean yeah, she feels bad about it and guilt-fucks his creepy nephew because of it, but ultimately she gets off pretty lightly.
Like, the denouement of this storyline is that she has the courage to confess to Liam that she killed Jasper’s uncle, right after dumping Jasper post-suicide attempt.
Instead of, you know, jail.
Navid getting amnesia after Jasper pushes him down the stairs
To be fair, Jasper is a bit of a prick – remember when he pushes Navid down a flight of stairs just because Navid publicly accuses him of being a drug dealer?
Luckily for Jasper, Navid suffers a bout of the old I’ve-fallen-down-one-flight-of-stairs amnesia, which affects his post-incident life in no other way than a complete and total blank on who pushed him down the stairs.
Hey, maybe it’s the very obvious villain you were planning to out as a drug dealer?
Jasper’s Hollywood sign suicide attempt
It’s a golden rule of attempted suicide in Los Angeles that you have to do it by jumping off the Hollywood sign, which by all intents and purposes isn’t actually that tall.
Still, look what 12 stairs did to Navid.
Teddy’s dad offering Silver a shit ton of money to break up with him
It’s not ridiculous that Teddy’s dad offers Silver a load of money to break up with him. It’s ridiculous that she doesn’t take the money.
Seriously, she must have been so pissed when he came out.
Also, special mention for the storyline in which Silver hires a Private Investigator to follow Teddy and find out whether he’s serious about their relationship.
Ah, to live in a pre-Instagram stalking world.
Also, the fact that Teddy looks like a fucking 40-year-old
This is supposed to be a 17-year-old boy.
Liam thinking he can patch up him and his dad’s relationship with *gasp* very valuable coins
Sweet, gullible Liam is 90210’s equivalent of Super Mario, thinking he can save the day with a few gold coins. Well, Liam, this is the real world: your dad’s an arsehole, and no amount of precious metals is going to change that.
Still, at least no-one’s set fire to your boat!
In a show where they can manage to wrangle cameos from Fall Out Boy and That Bloke Off Entourage™ Adrian Grenier, you’d think 90210 would be able to come up with a real celebrity instead of suave Latin popstar Javier.
Of course Adrianna instead opts to date Navid, despite Javier being a stone-cold stud and Navid looking like a sad toddler.
Javier gets angry in the back of a limo and says something like “You’ll become successful over my dead body!” He then immediately dies in a horrific car crash. Strange.
Adrianna’s subsequent music career
Sure, the “passing a dead guy’s songs off as your own” thing is pretty bad, but not as bad as doing it this creepily in front of a giant picture of his face at his own fucking funeral.
The fact that Oscar could distinguish a Dagenham accent from an Essex accent
Ah, Oscar. The short-lived smarmy Englishman who wore one too many buttons undone and called Ivy gidget and occasionally paid people to pretend they had HIV so they would break up with their girlfriends and have sex with him instead.
And yet, the most ridiculous thing about Oscar isn’t his completely unexplained disappearance after half a season; nor is it his in-at-the-deep-end English accent which makes him sound like Jack Skellington. It’s almost like he’s being played by a second-rate actor from Atlanta, Georgia.
Nope, the most ridiculous thing about Oscar is the way he catches sexual predator Mr Cannon, speedily identifying his supposed Essex accent as phoney. Imposter! You’re actually from Dagenham!
We’re not sure what the people of Britain ever did to the writers of 90210, but whatever it was it resulted in one of the only two British characters being a rapist and the other being a man who simultaneously beds a mother and her daughter while wearing outfits like this.
Naomi getting married to that massive fucking nerd
Nothing against Max and what he represents per se, but come on. Him? And her? With him?
The fact he feels like he has to keep the relationship a secret “for his reputation” makes me want to punch him.
Seriously, imagine Naomi turning up to the cinema to meet you and your sweaty virgin friends like this and having the audacity to laugh her out of the building.
The bit where Liam gets drunk and buys a bar
Wait, I thought he was meant to be the most grounded one? The worst I’ve done when blackout drunk is wake up in a bush, covered in my own sick.
Although that might be hard to glamourise for The CW.
Actually, the bit where Liam gets an entire fucking billboard devoted to his pasty torso
Yes, he’s good looking and all, but the leap from awkward A&F storefront to huge downtown Beverley Hills billboard doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
If only there were actual models in LA!
The show’s complete and total misunderstanding of how bipolar works
In the real world, bipolar is a complex condition which manifests itself in different ways and profoundly effects the people who suffer from it.
In 90210, bipolar is something which you just control with your cRaZy PiLLs until someone switches one out, in which case you do wacky things like ¡dye your hair! and ¡make numerous phone calls to your professor!
Annie getting an inheritance of millions after like three weeks as a PA
I worked in a restaurant three Christmas days in a row and most tables didn’t even have the decency to tip. Where are my millions, Marla? I’m glad you’re dead.
Preston ‘PJ’ Hillingsbrook
Remember, the guy who wears shawl-collar cardigans and has a nonsense clause in his trust fund which says he has to get married by the time he’s 28? PJ was a genuine character, and 90210 was better for it.
Wait, does Annie literally get shot?
I’m gonna be honest I sort of gave up by season 5, but Annie actually gets fucking shot and then everything’s sort of just fine after it???
The most ridiculous ending to any TV show ever
A lot of mad shit happened in season 5 (wasn’t Dixon paralysed or something?), but the last episode went well-and-truly one step further than the show had ever gone before.
Yep, the theatre blows up, Silver gets cancer and Liam chases Annie’s aeroplane down a runway on his motorbike, and yet still the most ridiculous thing about their final episode is that the best cameo they could get was the god damn Goo Goo Dolls.