babe •
Every type of guy you’ll have sex with
Including ‘the choker’ and ‘extreme eye-contact guy’
Heterosexual women have the least orgasms, according to research. That’s a scientific fact. In terms of the orgasm gap we fall behind (in order): hetereosexual men, gay men, bisexual men, lesbian women and bisexual women.
Now I’m not saying that’s because we’re all sleeping with guys like this. But it probably doesn’t help.
The one who has no clue
This man is probably a virgin – which is absolutely fine for him, no shame – but equally, at this moment, bad for you. He’ll freak out at the sight of your boobs and will awkwardly hold just one of them whilst you kiss. He’s scared to go near your clit (he probably thinks it’s a myth) and instead spends twenty minutes prodding you asking you if you’re “close” to which you definitely, definitely aren’t. You’ll let him have his five minutes of fun, claim it was great, roll over and ‘fall asleep’.
The quiet man
From the moment he enters your room until the after it’s over you will hear absolutely NOTHING. He will make no noise. You can’t tell whether he likes it, hates it, is asleep, has stopped breathing, has died in your arms, and when it’s over. Occasionally you sneak a quick peek and he might look like he’s enjoying it but it ruins the fun if you can’t hear he’s enjoying it. I’m not asking for porn star theatrics here, but you don’t go to the cinema to watch a film without the sound do you? No.
Pro-tip: Probably has deep seated intimacy issues and is miles away when you’re having sex and will always be mind-numbingly boring during the post-coital chat.
The one who compliments you loads
“You’re very pretty aren’t you?” “You’ve got lovely skin” “Oh my god you’re fucking amazing at that” “You’re so beautiful” – there’s only so long you can hear these things and reply with a non-committal ‘mmhm’ before you’re looking at the ceiling and thinking not just that he’s insincere, but that he’s a deranged psycho-killer and after this he’s going to murder you and eat your thigh with a nice Chianti.
The one who says your name
Say my name, say it.
‘Let’s just cuddle’ guy
I know you’re trying to be nice but honestly I’d rather shag.
Extreme eye-contact guy
Missionary, you on top, even during doggy style he manages to find your eyes, look onto them and hold them for a long, LONG time. To be clear, no, obviously there isn’t anything wrong with eye contact. It’s quite nice in a way, and every magazine ever will tell you it invites intimacy and to embrace it. But when you’re trying to concentrate on what feels good and what doesn’t, you probably don’t want sex to be a continuous tracking shot of someone else’s soul.
The no-hands challenge
OK, here we are, we’ve both taken all our clothes off, we’re about to get down to it, but where have you gone? Here is a key tip for you: hands exist in sex for more than just taking off each other’s clothes and putting on condoms. It’s weird to just stop touching completely during. Maybe it’s fear or something, and you feel a bit bad for him (and for yourself) so you start to guide them towards a nipple or your neck or literally any of the seven erogenous zones but he’s having none of it, his hands flop down to his sides the minute you stop your guided tour. Right, I’ll just pop up on top here and sort myself out then shall I? Great.
The extremely normal man
Ah yes. Lie down. Some kissing. A fondle. Fingers. Blowjob. Missionary but like, nice missionary. 30 minutes. Done. “How was it!” your friends are texting the WhatsApp group the next day. “Yeah it was nice”, you say. Such is life with the extremely normal man.
The noisy one
Noise is good. Noise is great actually. Maybe it’s because stereotypically straight men aren’t supposed to make much noise during sex (which is bullshit). Think of every porno you’ve ever watched: I bet it features a near shrieking woman throughout and a man who occasionally grunts for the camera. So getting a noisy guy can at first be a blessing. You’re thinking something along the lines of “yes, I am a sexual guru. I am a goddess. I have made this man moan despite his better archaic heteronormative judgement”. It feels great.
But on the other hand, there is too much noise. If you’re making more noise than me then THERE IS A PROBLEM and it’s that you’re shit at sex (see: the fucking really selfish one).
The really fucking selfish one
This guy is probably really fit, you’ve been wanting to shag him for ages and you think you’re in store for quite the evening. Despite knowing he probably isn’t that fussed, you spent some time giving him a handjob to lead up to the blow job, knowing that being the fucking kind person you are doing both those things, he’s gonna return the favour. But oh no, after ten minutes of gagging and pretending to feel aroused, he says “let’s have sex”. But what about ME. What about my needs. If you convince him to go down on you it’ll be for two minutes tops and most of the time he was fingering you, but down there.
The one with the surprisingly big dick
I CANNOT wait to tell the gals.
The nervous one
The lights must be off, poor thing, and he will keep asking ‘is that good for you?’. You pretend it is so as to not hurt his feelings.
The one who’s still giving lovebites
Come the fuck on, how old are you? I have work tomorrow.
The one who takes no time at all
It’s not that common, it doesn’t happen to every guy and it is a big deal.
The one who takes a really long time
Yes, you’re great in bed. You made me come 40 minutes ago and yes, we’re both pretty pleased with your general performance. But honestly? An hour is excessive, and now it hurts. Worse yet, when they’re drunk, it’s not going to happen and they just. Won’t. Stop. We don’t mind if you don’t come just please I just want to walk tomorrow.
The guy with the surprisingly small dick
Greg has a big build. He’s tall and plays rugby every weekend. You couldn’t wait to jump into bed with him and oop there it is. However, what he lacks in size, he makes up for in enthusiasm – and orgasms.
The acrobatic one
He’s probably read Cosmo somehow or Googled sex positions thinking that every woman wants to take part in the ‘London Bridge’ or ‘erotic accordion’ moves. Let’s just do doggy and be done with it.
The one who can go over and over and over again
“What now? Again?? It’s 5am and I have work in the morning?!” – He does not care for your human stamina. He is a super human with superhuman energy and superhuman come. Five times is a normal amount at any time of day; he wants your sex and he will have it as he pleases. Admit it though, there’s nothing more satisfying than telling the squad in the morning that you literally got shagged ten times last night because your boy just wants it.
The wrong name guy
It was going so well, you’re twenty minutes in and you’re both having a great time. Then he says it: “Sarah, you’re amazing”. Except your name isn’t Sarah. It’s never been Sarah. It’s not even close to being Sarah. You look shocked, he knows he’s fucked it and neither of you know whether you should carry on or not. He can apologise, you can forgive him, but the spark is gone.
The one who makes you come first
So I think we should get married in the spring I’ll just ring my parents and let them know.
The guy you dreamt about sleeping with for years
And then slept with him and wished you never did. You built him up in your head – a mystery, a sex God, even – but then you slept with him and, let’s be honest, he never had a chance. He’s just a mere mortal like the rest of them.
The one who can only do it with music
His intentions were good; he wants to get the vibe just right. Unfortunately it’s not quite as sensual when it’s coming from your phone. You’re not Ryan Gosling in Eat Pray Love and however you execute this it will come across cringe. Yes, even if you put R Kelly on.
The one who made you come nine times
Okay, it was more like four but still – he knew what he was doing and you message the Gals WhatsApp as soon as possible.
The one who is so loving and caring, except –
Until you sleep with him and OH MY GOD THAT HURTS WHAT ARE YOU DOING? He’ll start with some gentle spanking – sure, why not. But then all hell breaks loose and pretty soon he’s hitting you at full capacity. As soon as you’re done he’s stroking your cheek and telling you how ‘the light is hitting you so perfectly’. You won’t be able to sit down comfortably for a week.
The one who expects a blow job but doesn’t go down on you
Hahahaha remember that one? No, me neither.
The one who goes down on you a lot like a lot almost too much
You are his challenge, his Everest. Yeah it feels really good but it would be nice to see your face at some point soon, it’s getting lonely up here.
Accidental anal guy
“Oops”. No not oops. It was oops the first three times when I gave you the benefit of the doubt because you know what yes, it’s fine, it’s dark, we’ve had some drinks. But at this point, you know exactly what goes where, and your apology is not accepted.
The jackhammer
I am not a piece of meat.
The guy who can’t get it up because he’s drunk
“This never happens”, he shrugs. Then he rolls over and falls asleep, snoring the duration of the night.
‘You don’t ask you don’t get’ guy
Can we do anal? Can we have a threesome? Can I do coke off your tits? Can I come on your face? Can I come in your mouth? Can I come on your tits? Can I come inside you? Can you get out your sex toy? Can you finger yourself in front of me? Can we try the rusty trombone? Can you call me daddy? Can we do it outside?
As much as I admire your optimism, the answer is probably, invariably, no.
The ‘I love you’ guy
Look I know we get on well but I met you a week ago and think you’ve misinterpreted this situation and I’d like you to stop saying that. Ssh now.
The one who does dirty talk but can’t quite pull it off
“You like that don’t you?” – some guy who hasn’t really committed to the dirty talk he desperately wants to recreate to spice up his sex life.
“Yeah” – you, playing along and really trying to swallow your ‘this is fucking mortifying’ knee jerk reaction because actually it’s really nice that he’s trying and you’d quite fancy a spiced up sex life too.
“Yeah you like it. Dirty girl” – the same guy, unable to look you fully in the eye, hearing Calabasas porn-star speak in his own less glamorous accent and panicking, trying desperately not to lose his erection.
Here is a tip: if you just choke him he won’t be able to speak and that’s kind of kinky in a way I guess?
The one who does dirty talk but really can pull it off
Please carry on.
The choker
Everyone has sex with one at least once in their life. Everyone thinks they will die during. Everyone comes out alive and actually quite likes it. Choke me daddy.