Now even Playboy are dragging Ed Sheeran over his ‘toxic masculinity problem’. Yes, really. Playboy
Oh great another Ed Sheeran song about how he loves a girl who’s getting with someone else. Groundbreaking
People have very mixed feelings over Ed Sheeran and his music and his existence. On the one hand, he produces some absolute bangers. Objectively speaking they are bangers because however much you want to hate them, want to be cool and think they’re awful, you’ll catch yourself singing Galway Girl in the shower three days in a row and realise you are garbage and you’ve been sucked in.
On the other hand, there is a school of thought which says that Ed Sheeran’s sadboi acoustic “I met you on hoooooolidayyyy, why won’t you just suck my dicccccccckkk” routine that he rolls out in every song is a bit past it and a bit irritating. This school of thought has grown so popular that even Playboy, the nudey mag gone woke, has now called Ed Sheeran out on his “toxic masculinity” in a scathing essay.
In the piece, published earlier this week, Chloe Stillwell writes: “Most women have probably encountered the otherworldly scorn of a male underdog. Yes, confident Bernie bros and fresh Deloitte recruits will definitely do chauvinistic things like introduce you to their moms only to ghost you and hit you up a month later for a 3 a.m. booty call. But underdogs—and by that I mean men who have never felt sufficient physically, sexually, socially or professionally—cut deep.
“When you date an underdog, he’ll gleefully go down on you for hours and tell you you’re the best sex he’s ever had—until you break up with him, after which he’ll call you a slut on Facebook. He’ll twist your words to prove you’re evil and post images with other women on Instagram to get your attention. In Ed Sheeran’s case, he’ll write reductive revenge songs that are low-key misogynistic while slurring in interviews about all the women who’ve been kind enough to fuck him.”
Essentially, Playboy are dragging Ed Sheeran, and by his extension his new album, for being a massive cuckboi.
“We’ve all met an Ed Sheeran type”, the article goes on. “He’s the kid in middle school who you knew would snap if the teacher chastised him in class. He’s the guy at the office who sends emails that start, ‘To clarify…'” To be fair, she is completely right in that everyone knows and hates this guy.
Just completely objectively, here are some of poor-old-nobody-fucks-me Ed Sheeran’s best lyrics (not including Bieber’s ‘Love Yourself’ which, as Playboy points out, was originally an angry track written by Sheeran and called ‘Fuck Yourself’ like chill out hun). Enjoy. Decide for yourself.
Before a text message was the only way to reach her now she’s staying at my place and loves the way I treat her. And those shows have never been what it’s about but maybe we’ll go together and just figure it out I’d rather put on a film with you and sit on the couch.
She was crying on my shoulder I already told ya trust and respect is what we do this for. I never intended to be next but you didn’t need to take him to bed that’s all and I never saw him as a threat until you disappeared with him to have sex of course and I wasn’t looking for a promise or commitment but it was never just fun and I thought you were different.
Cuddle me in. Lie down with me and hold me in your arms. I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet. Kiss me like you wanna be loved. Settle down with me and I’ll be your safety. You’ll be my lady.
Wake Me Up
I should ink my skin with your name and take my passport out again and just replace it. See I could do without a tan on my left hand, where my fourth finger meets my knuckle and I should run you a hot bath and fill it up with bubbles.
‘Cause maybe you’re loveable and maybe you’re my snowflake and your eyes turn from green to gray in the winter I’ll hold you in a cold place and you should never cut your hair ’cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulder.
And would you ever feel guilty if you did the same to me? Could you make me a cup of tea to open my eyes in the right way? And I know you love Shrek ‘cause we’ve watched it 12 times but maybe you’re hoping for a fairy tale too and if your DVD breaks today you should’ve got a VCR because I’ve never owned a Blue ray, true say.
I heard he spent five hundred pounds on jeans goes to the gym at least six times a week wears boat shoes with no socks on his feet and I heard he’s on a new diet and watches what he eats. But I heard he makes you happy so that’s fine by me. But still, I’m just keeping it real, still looking at your Instagram and I’ll be creeping a little. I’ll be trying not to double tap, from way back, cause I know that’s where the trouble’s at
Let me remind you of the days when you used to hold my hand and when we sipped champagne out of cider cans I guess if you were Lois Lane, I wasn’t superman, just a young boy trying to be loved. So let me give it to you.
I don’t wanna know about your new man, cause if it was meant to be you wouldn’t be calling me up trying to, ’cause I’m positive that he don’t wanna know about me. I don’t wanna know about your new man, we’ll get there eventually. I know you’re missing all this kind of love.
You were the type of girl that sat beside the water reading eating a packet of crisps but you will never find you cheating. Now you’re eating kale, hitting the gym, keeping up with Kylie & Kim, in the back of the club kissing a boy that ain’t him. OK you need to be alone, and if you wanna talk about it you can call my phone. I just thought that I would tell you cause you oughta know you’re still a young girl trying to be loved.
(Ed mate. She just doesn’t want to fuck you.)
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