A short collection of the small lies girls tell themselves every day
‘It’s an investment piece’
Dostoyevsky once wrote: “Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”
And I’m not for one second hating on Dostoyevsky. Dostoyevsky was many great things, but he wasn’t, let’s be clear, a girl in her twenties in 2017. So fuck him, he doesn’t understand the value in the small lies you tell yourself to improve and get through your day. Lies like these:
He’s probably in the shower and didn’t see it – Look, I dunno, maybe he has one of those waterproof cases that he brought into the shower with him. Maybe he opened the text using that case (that’s why the blue ticks are there), and maybe he’s now got soap in his eyes so it’s not that he isn’t texting back, it’s that he can’t text back. Or maybe, just maybe, he’s just not texting you back.
These jeans still fit – The muffin top is in this season and I am embracing that OK. No, obviously I’m not gonna just throw them out are you stupid? I’m going to save them and keep them in my closet for when I lose five pounds. They’ll be my inspiration and then they’ll fit even better next time. This always works.
He hasn’t texted me back because he likes me so much and it’s freaking him out – Sometimes feelings are intense and that’s frightening, I get it.
The reason he’s being so rude is because he’s playing hard to get – No, Katie, what the fuck, he doesn’t “hate me”, he’s just playing games you idiot.
Froyo is a health food – It’s yoghurt, duh.
Nah I can get away with wearing these tights the hole isn’t that big – I’ll just twist them around. I’ll just put some clear nail varnish around this. Nah it looks cool. Punk.
This shirt isn’t wrinkly it’s just the look – It’s called fashion, look it up hun.
My period will definitely stop by the time he comes over tonight – NOPE.
If I just ignore it, this UTI will go away by itself – NOPE.
I know I own 10 other black tops but this one is SO different, it’s ribbed! – It’s actually, like, an investment piece. I’m gonna get it ’cause it’s slightly different yet timeless and price per wear it’s actually so cheap I couldn’t not get it.
I’m just not gonna chase after him – I’m gonna wait until my friend leaves the room and then text him three times in quick succession but like “casually”.
He’s really different though – Bitch he is the same.
I don’t understand why some girls get so crazy, I’m like, SO chill – I’m not chill, I’ve never been chill, I’m probably never going to be chill. But like, when I overthink, I overthink in a cool way, you know? I’m a cool girl. Guess I’m just different, hee hee.
I could be a DJ – I mean all it takes is that one great playlist. I’m basically like the female version of Zac Efron in that cringe EDM film.
He’s cuter IRL let me find a better pic – HE JUST DOESN’T PHOTOGRAPH WELL OK.
I’m such a good dancer I look so cute – I look a mess and I’m gonna detag all these photos being taken so quickly tomorrow. They are not ‘cute candid action shots’.
Yeah I’m really into artsy music – I listened to a grime song once and when I’m in the shower I sing along to the soundtrack from Cars with more gusto than Lightning McQueen himself.
I can definitely pull off leggings as pants – Nope. Blair Waldorf was right.
I can drink loads and I never get that drunk – I’ve had two drinks and I’m hunched over a toilet bowl heaving at 9pm and really surprised that the lining of my stomach looks like that.
I’m so done entertaining his ass I’m not going to chase him – The minute he texts me back I’m going to give him all of my attention and emotional energy without question.
These heels are so comfortable – I am in agony and the soles of my feet are covered in my own blood but OK.
I’m gonna wake up early and dress cute for work tomorrow – I’m gonna hit snooze on my alarm five times then roll out of bed, put dry shampoo in my hair and wear the same black jeans I’ve been wearing the past three days.
I’m gonna get up early and go to the gym tomorrow – See ‘I’m gonna wake up early and dress cute for work’.
He’s like my brother oh my god no I could never think of him like that – If this person were my brother I would be looking at serious jail time for adult incest under sections 64–65 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003.
He’s taller than me except for like, in heels – He’s not.
His girlfriend is so pretty I’m so glad he’s doing well – I hope they die.
The reason he didn’t text me back is because he died – Mostly I’m sad for his mum. He was so young, and she’ll miss him so much. His friends are probably devastated. I wonder if I should go the funeral. God it’s so mad that he just like, died and that’s why he didn’t text me back. It’s the only plausible explanation. I’ll always remember his kind eyes.
I swapped out my dating app pics for makeup-free photos to see how guys would react
Make your bets now, please
by Ari Bines
I realized how desperate men were once they revealed they were willing to have sex with me while I was on my period. Because I always need story ideas (and attention) I delved even further down the "Would you still love me if XYZ" mineshaft to find out how much lower guys' standards would get.…
I’ve invented the sneakiest, most foolproof way to stalk people on Insta without them ever knowing it’s you
You can even screenshot their stories! It’s so evil!
by Amanda Ross
I don't know if you're aware of this, but we're in the information age. And while I don't care about information on foreign oil dependency or black holes/scary celestial things or string theory or whatever, there is still a lot of information I craaaave.I need information on what the men who aren't my men but…
Should you hook up with your dealer? We asked around for stories and, um, I think you guys need a backup plug
I’m a culprit and now the bud struggle is real
by Ari Bines
Whenever Friday comes around and there's still enough for an eighth in my bank account, I pick up from my handy dandy dealer. However, I recently committed the biggest sins in the pothead bible—banging my dealer. Despite homeboy practically begging for this premium pussy, he's decided not to answer my calls or texts now and…