Today in ‘things girls can’t do without being criticised’, literally posing in front of balloons on your birthday

Ah, another day, another example of the dwindling list of things women can doe without being a hoe, basic or a slut. It’s a funny old world. This time it’s not liking leggings, wearing a certain bikini or using a Snapchat filter (previously all hallmarked as the reserve of the stupid slut). Today it is – no wait for this one it’s great – literally having your photo taken with balloons on your birthday.

If a girl take pictures with these balloons it's a 90 percent chance she a hoe. pic.twitter.com/4y0Y8tcypc

— TUKAY (@TukayMusic) March 13, 2017

The trend, which most of us have been doing in family photos since infancy, blissfully unaware of the impact it was having on our promiscuity and reputation, was identified on Twitter earlier this month, where a man (presumably a scientist!) said that the balloons your mum might get you as a nice treat or your friends might chip in for on your special day, have a 90 per cent chance of rendering you a fucking hoe.

https://twitter.com/OhyeahBre/status/843834428526870528

The actual science of that probability is not explained in the tweet, but it doesn’t really matter, it’s still gained a lot of traction. Over 11,000 people have liked and RT’d it so far, meaning that nice balloons like the ones Jessie J and Taylor Swift use in those slutty videos of theirs, have entered the annals of things-women-can’t-do history, squeezed in between “take a dog face selfie” and “drink Starbucks”, and just after “wear chokers”.

Yall find a way to take everything females do & make it about her being a hoe. First it was the dog filter then the little number balloons

— E҉S҉S҉I҉E҉ ? (@yvng_essie) March 18, 2017

If a boy tweet pictures of balloons and say they prove a girl's a hoe, 90% chance he lives in his mom's basement. https://t.co/4g1jNLJ8ar

— Sonam Sheth (@sonamsays) March 19, 2017

too many twitter followers? hoe. wear chokers? hoe. go to an island for spring break? hoe. get balloons for your birthday? hoe. breath? hoe.

— Corinne Mortensen (@cornmortensen) March 19, 2017

All internet logic is not lost though, as pretty much immediately after it was posted, women started calling it for what it was: bullshit of the highest degree. One girl pointed out how birthday balloons – I mean I literally cannot wrap my head around this one, birthday balloons – just join the long list of things that make us hoes, after “having Twitter followers” and “breathing”.

https://twitter.com/callmewhitecoco/status/845089808959492096

got the "hoe" balloons tho didn't i pic.twitter.com/UlQXzQiyRh

— c⚡️ (@finessehs) March 30, 2017

https://twitter.com/PENonety5/status/846467909325144065

More encouragingly though, most people have taken it to new heights by posing like a hoe with their birthday balloons, and they look great.

Guess These Balloons Make Me A Hoe Right ? ?? pic.twitter.com/zUG31PpEpJ

— Baby Jana? (@BabyJanaa_) March 21, 2017

Last night with ma hoe balloons ✌?✌? pic.twitter.com/w37FRlXG1S

— sarah (@sayragh_) March 19, 2017

"if she buys the helium number balloons, she a hoe" pic.twitter.com/XFbsaw9aqv

— melanin mami (@yonoella) March 18, 2017

@rosielanners