Today in ‘things girls can’t do without being criticised’, literally posing in front of balloons on your birthday
I don’t even know what to say anymore
Ah, another day, another example of the dwindling list of things women can doe without being a hoe, basic or a slut. It’s a funny old world. This time it’s not liking leggings, wearing a certain bikini or using a Snapchat filter (previously all hallmarked as the reserve of the stupid slut). Today it is – no wait for this one it’s great – literally having your photo taken with balloons on your birthday.
The trend, which most of us have been doing in family photos since infancy, blissfully unaware of the impact it was having on our promiscuity and reputation, was identified on Twitter earlier this month, where a man (presumably a scientist!) said that the balloons your mum might get you as a nice treat or your friends might chip in for on your special day, have a 90 per cent chance of rendering you a fucking hoe.
The actual science of that probability is not explained in the tweet, but it doesn’t really matter, it’s still gained a lot of traction. Over 11,000 people have liked and RT’d it so far, meaning that nice balloons like the ones Jessie J and Taylor Swift use in those slutty videos of theirs, have entered the annals of things-women-can’t-do history, squeezed in between “take a dog face selfie” and “drink Starbucks”, and just after “wear chokers”.
All internet logic is not lost though, as pretty much immediately after it was posted, women started calling it for what it was: bullshit of the highest degree. One girl pointed out how birthday balloons – I mean I literally cannot wrap my head around this one, birthday balloons – just join the long list of things that make us hoes, after “having Twitter followers” and “breathing”.
More encouragingly though, most people have taken it to new heights by posing like a hoe with their birthday balloons, and they look great.
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