You’re a hoe if you do any of these things, according to the men of the internet
I’m the biggest hoe of them all
by Amanda Ross
I’m just gonna say it: dudes on the internet are totally out of control. When they’re not trying to move into our DMs, sending us dick pic Snaps, or refusing to leave us alone until we block them, they’re sitting on Twitter calling us hoes.
Back in my day, the only thing that would get you called a hoe was actual hoe-ing around (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But now, you’re a hoe for committing any single unforgivable offense that might include (but is definitely not limited to): having friends, owning a cell phone, going to college, or breathing air.
We’re all hoes, and we’re all in it together. Here’s the list of our #hoecrimes:
Apparently not-freezing temperatures is for THOTS ONLY
Thot weather approaching real soon…/
— Bizzo (@Ry_Bizzo) April 2, 2017
And so are these balloons, smh
If a girl take pictures with these balloons it's a 90 percent chance she a hoe. pic.twitter.com/4y0Y8tcypc
— DEUCE KAY (@TukayMusic) March 13, 2017
Maybe I’m both?
If you use a dog filter regularly to hide 25% of your face you are either a hoe or someone with a putrid malformed nose.
— Grubs or Hunter (@grubsofficial) January 21, 2017
Men have a LOT of feelings about the dog filter
So these tiger face masks are taking over from the dog hoe filter I see 🙃
— kyle (@kyleravenscroft) March 8, 2017
Dog face filter=hoe
— . (@jaylind27) February 8, 2017
Also Boomerangs for some reason? Hoes only?
u a hoe if everything u post is a boomerang
— shrek (@Jake_Schnack) March 22, 2017
You're probably a hoe if you constantly use the Boomerang option on your Instagram stories
— Big Daddy Sedo (@Zach_Sedo55) March 17, 2017
Boomerangs really are the dog filters of insta stories
— Josh Kaplan (@JNkappers) April 4, 2017
if she uses boomerang on instagram she's a hoe
— Ian (@ianalberson13) April 3, 2017
If you’re a woman of average height, YOU A THOT
— L Guapo ひ (@Flex_Offender) January 31, 2017
if your height 5'3'' you a thot
— Colon Hole (@Dash5hall) January 16, 2017
And if you have any kind of curated social media presence, you’re a big ol’ hoe
If she got over 250 followers she a hoe and I'm good on hoes …
Using Twitter makes you a hoe, regardless of maternal status
Every girl from here on and out is a certified hoe to me until proven otherwise . 😂😂😂 I don't care if she married with three kids. You a hoe
— WOLF (@SuperPlayerGod) March 26, 2017
Using Snapchat frequently places you firmly into HOE territory, say all these dudes
If she has a snap score of over 400,000, and she dont got a boyfriend. Shes most likely a Hoe. #Preach
— doobi pooch (@_BenLynch_) March 26, 2017
You can tell if she a hoe by her snapchat score 🔔
— Kareem ford (@kareemf123) March 26, 2017
if she has over 30 snap streaks she a hoe
— C (@chloegagliano) March 26, 2017
If you’re NOT having sex, sorryyyyy but you’re still a hoe
If she "celibate" she was a hoe at one time. Just waiting for other chicks to catch up to her bodies.
— Uncle (@RossGee_) March 26, 2017
Girls, we’ve gotta want more for ourselves. We can’t be out here in college like a common thot! Who raised us???
If she in college she a hoe 🤷🏽♂️
— 🧖🏾♂️تشو👿 (@paidwood_) March 26, 2017
OK but literally everyone does this
if she put her phone on the table with her screen facing down she a hoe
— cabus (@xomnca) March 26, 2017
For the first time in my life, I’m not craving a McChicken
If she has a tapestry in her room she's a hoe and will suck your dick for a McChicken
— CenterOfTheUniverse (@TROLLGAWDD) March 26, 2017
If she has male friends, SHE A HOE
She a hoe if she says happy birthday to several dudes with several pictures together
— Jacob (@tacobjegels) March 25, 2017
If she wears makeup, you guessed it: HOE material
If she puts on eyelashes she's a hoe
— Christian Pluma (@krispokreme) March 24, 2017
Shameka, Keisha, Tara, Shonda, Crystal, Daronda, Theresa, Felicia, Tenisha, Soibian, Monica, Monique, Christiiiina, Yolanda
If she can name every girl in Freek a Leek then she's a hoe
— Thor ⚡️🌩🇵🇹 (@NoiSinEss) March 24, 2017
Using any non-standard Apple product is for THOTS, I’m never gonna let my daughter do this
She a hoe if her flashlight goes off whenever she gets a notification
— Machii (@Asyromatic) March 24, 2017
If she retweets pictures of lifted trucks, she a hoe
— Morry Watson (@MorryMakeItRain) March 24, 2017
But…that’s literally what it’s for?
If she shows her face in her avi, she's a hoe.
— Messiah (@BrownMessiahh) March 24, 2017
Every fashion blogger is a hoe
If she takes a video of her legs as she's walking….she a hoe.
— Gabriel (@FondleYourPahls) March 23, 2017
So are Drake fans
She a hoe if she knows all the words to passionfruit already.
— Adam (@GezusAdam) March 23, 2017
And people who enjoy Texas beaches
if she went to spi for spring break she's a hoe.
— 𝖂𝖊𝖘𝖙𝕿𝖎𝖑𝖑𝕸𝖞𝕯𝖊𝖆𝖙𝖍 (@FaderHader) March 23, 2017
THIS IS EVERYONE
if she keeps her phone in her back pocket 90% chance she a hoe
— Novak (@noahmoyer5) March 23, 2017
Guess I’ll just stuff these notebooks up my ass
If she carries a purse around school she a hoe 🤷🏻♂️
— jong. (@cozyjong) March 23, 2017
A bet a fucking Gemini wrote these
if she bring up astrology she a hoe
— Roshi (@Big_Roshi) March 23, 2017
She a hoe if she got her zodiac sign in her bio
— Sahil (@stetson_cunning) March 23, 2017
Wrong, read receipts are for fuckboys
if she got her read receipts off she a hoe
— gavin ***micro (@vinistaken) March 23, 2017
If she use Facebook Messenger more than she texts…. she a hoe
— Chance (@ChanceeeT7) March 23, 2017
It’s my name, not a golden penis
If she wears a necklace with her name on it, she a hoe
— Queen Kylie (@queenkylie5even) March 23, 2017
I’m in between paychecks!!
If her screen is cracked, she's a hoe
— YourFavoriteAsian 💋 (@AsianTing__) March 23, 2017
Napping 4 SLUTS
If she takes hours to respond and responds with "sorry I fell asleep" she a hoe
— JOEY (@Joseph_Legend1) March 22, 2017
Fuck every single part of this tweet
if a girl is into the same music i am she's probably a hoe bc there's no way she found all that underground shit on her own
— favian (@fforfavian) March 22, 2017
Guess I’ll go die.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
● Here’s what type of hoe you are based on your star sign
● We asked girls to tell us their very first hoe stories and the shit they told us was wiiiild
● QUIZ: What type of hoe are you?