Don’t text him! Seriously, don’t! Oh my god, you’re just going to do it anyway, aren’t you?


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Don’t text him! Seriously, don’t! Oh my god, you’re just going to do it anyway, aren’t you?

Fine, here’s how to save yourself

I’m 22 and got my first phone when I was 12, which means I’ve been sending cringe-inducing texts to crushes and exes alike for 10 years now. It’s been said we learn from our mistakes, and while I’m not sure I’ve actually learned a single thing, I certainly have a long list of things that do not work at all.

I’ve heard all the advice: Wait 24 hours before hitting send, take 10 deep breaths before saying anything you don’t mean, and keep active so you’re not thinking about him.

But I’m a wizard, and I can talk myself out of absolutely any of those great ideas, so I’ve come to realize I need to take more precautionary measures. Here are a few of them:

Change your background to keep yourself from even unlocking it

Michelle is judging you, don’t disappoint her.

Change their contact to dad so you won’t want to take the chance

Warning: This could be problematic if they’re already in your phone as “daddy.”

If he’s already in your phone as ‘daddy’, change him to something else

There are options: DO NOT TEXT, FUCK BOY, SNAKE, SATAN, and the list goes on. Changing their name will not only make it harder for you to find them in your contact list, but when you do inevitably find them, there’ll be some small reminder of why you couldn’t in the first place.

Delete his number

This seems obvious, but that’s because for a lot of people, it works. For those more crafty drunks, you’ll want to remove the fb app from your phone so you don’t default to that, as well as blocking him on Snapchat. Do yourself a favor and get rid of any possible vehicles for contact.

Put emojis next to his name


Put his last name in front of his first name

James Spectre, I officially dub thee Spectre James. Drunk me will never find you.

Give your phone to a friend

This only works if you’re going home with them, or know you’re going to see them at boozy brunch tomorrow. This also only works if you’re okay with them delving into your ‘nudes’ folder, or putting inappropriate snapchats on your story.

Leave your phone at home

If you know you’re going out with a group — and going to stay with that group — why not just leave it at home? Studies have been done about how we have a better time when we’re not tied to our phones anyway. But, if you get in a uber to hunt him down, that’s on you.

Put it on airplane

If you don’t see the screen light up, you might be less likely to engage with it.

Change their contact photo to something really ugly

Changing their contact photo to an ugly photo of them last year before they learned how to gel their hair is the perfect self-inflicted cock-block.

Write a list of all the shitty things they’ve done in your notes

Whenever you’re drunk and go to text them, force yourself to read that list, and perhaps it’ll sober you a bit.

Throw your phone at a rock

When all else inevitably fails, there’s nothing wrong with throwing your phone at a rock, and pretending it slipped out of your hand when you go to the Apple store with it.

Regardless of what happens, know that you can always try again tomorrow . . . and the next day.


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