We’re basically on the brink of World War III, so stop playing hard to get and Snap him a titty

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We’re basically on the brink of World War III, so stop playing hard to get and Snap him a titty

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR

Last night, Marvelous Mighty Supreme Commander Donald Trump (pls don't draft me) launched nearly 60 Tomahawk cruise missiles at Syria.

Supposedly it was in response to this week's civilian chemical attack, but I dunno how you can simultaneously refuse to allow victimized children asylum in your country but also potentially start a war over their death.

Whatever, the guy also puts tape on his ties — clearly, we're not dealing with a rational human being.

The Internet did what it does best, which is fill up my timeline with GIFs of Tyra Banks pretending to pass out on ANTM with captions like "Me when Trump tries to draft me" or "My gay ass when I see all the hot guys in uniform when the war becomes domestic." Yes, my TL is all gay guys, I'm a hashtag ally.

But as #AmericaIsOverParty started trending, I couldn't help but wonder Carrie Bradshaw-style: if our death at the hands of Super ISIS or whatever has just been created is imminent, why not start living life like a Russian paratrooper could slit your throat at any minute?

What better way to start LiViNg LiFe 2 dA fUlLeSt than by nixing the hedging and negging of hard-to-get games and just start seizing what we want? Too long have we been repressed under the heel of the ever-present male dick pic. The time is now for the tit pic, the pay-attention-to-me-NOW! conversation starter we've all been missing.

Picture it: You're out with your friends, you're texting the guy or girl you like, and trying to convince them to come out.

"Idkkkk this might go late," they complain about whatever dumb shit they're at. "I'm gonna try to make it but I dunno :///."

You know what to do. Go into that bathroom, have your best friend push ya titties up, and take a pic. If you haven't already invested in one of those Lumee selfie-lighting cases, do it now because it makes your boob skin glow to the gods. Send the pic, and I would bet you like, three packs of Plan B that they'll instantly ask you to drop a pin.

If things are moving too slowly with a ting you're trying to get going, you know what accelerates a conversations rapid as fuck? Yep, titties.

And honestly, if you miss your ex and want to give things another try, send him the same thing. Fuck it, send 'em to everyone. Get PAID for it. True facts, I've heard about girls who send boob pics on Snapchat for $$$$. I mean, if we're all gonna die anyway, why not?

Look, who even knows how much longer we're going to have to deal with this whole "existing" thing. Maybe it's tomorrow, maybe it's next month, maybe it's 1,000 years from now. What I do know is that if we all can't get out of the draft by pretending to suffer from psychosis or whatever and we're all sitting in our foxholes talking about the dick appointments of our past, the only sexts we'll regret are the ones we didn't send.

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