Bizarre, unexplainable things that happen in the girls’ bathroom but literally nowhere else in the world
‘Omg babe I LOVE your dress where did you get it’
The girls’ night out is an institution. A pillar of the sisterhood, a time we all let loose. But the best part of any girls’ night out is indisputably the time spent in the bathroom (which is most of the evening). The girls’ bathroom is where we reveal the best and the worst of ourselves, and nobody, absolutely nobody can explain the weird things we do in there. But they just feel right.
PEEING WITH THE DOOR OPEN AND NOT FEEL ASHAMED
You’ve known these girls for just over five minutes, so it’s safe to say you’re all good friends now. You’re bursting to go, and there is no time to pull your skirt down, get some toilet roll to wipe the seat and lock the door. But the gals outside queuing won’t mind and you won’t give a fuck either cos this is the sisterhood.
THERE WILL BE HUNDREDS OF PHOTOS OF YOU ON THE TOILET
It’s not going to be your next Facebook profile pic, you’ve banned your friend from uploading it and tagging you, yet you still wake up the next day with hundreds of toilet pics of your mate on your phone mid-pee. You wouldn’t do this in a normal situation, like in your mum’s house or in Starbucks, but it feels a pivotal moment to capture on the gals’ night out.
FIVE OF YOU WILL CRAM INTO ONE TOILET CUBICLE THINKING IT’LL SPEED UP THE PEEING PROCESS
It definitely doesn’t.
YOU WILL DO AGGRESSIVE DOOR KNOCKING WHEN SOMEONE IS TAKING TOO LONG, ONLY TO BE SUPER POLITE WHEN THEY EVENTUALLY COME OUT
*knockknocknock* “Can you hurry up please there’s about fifty girls waiting here” you’ll turn around to your mate, eye-roll, and actively distance yourself from this selfish minority by saying “she’s taking so fucking long” under your breath (but just loud enough for her to hear) and doing a few more loud huffs.
You go to bang the door again then out she comes. “Sorry!” she’ll say apologetically, whilst you reply smiling like a cheshire cat “oh don’t worry babe it’s fine don’t worry about it, we’ve only been waiting a little while!”
“CAN YOU TAKE OUR PICTURE? CAN IT BE FULL LENGTH? CAN YOU GET OUR SHOES IN?”
It’s probably the worst place for a photo – there’s cubicles in the backdrop, the pale face of someone about to throw up in the corner, and toilet roll scattered around your heels – but it doesn’t matter, cos you’ll take hundreds of these throughout the night, only to wake up in the morning and delete every single one because they’re all shit.
SOMEONE WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW GIRLS’ QUEUES ARE ALWAYS LONGER THAN BOYS’ QUEUES
There’ll always be contemplation of just going in the boys loos instead, but it wouldn’t be the same experience.
YOU’LL HAVE SO MUCH LOVE AND RESPECT AND ADMIRATION FOR EVERYONE
A few hours ago, you didn’t even know she existed. Maybe you even rolled your eyes at her in the queue. But now, things are different. You really get them, you guys just click, and omg you just love her dress where did she get it??
GIVE SOMEONE YOUR LIPSTICK/EYELINER WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT
Do they have a coldsore? Do they have infectious eye goop? You don’t care. You are the Princess Diana of these toilets, and you will extend your charity wherever it is needed. Here you go babe, just your shade as well. You wave off their thanks drunkenly and remember the next morning mid applying that cat-eye before recoiling and throwing it in the bin. Great, guess I’m spending another $20 replacing this today.
MAKE FRIENDS IN THE QUEUE WITH PEOPLE YOU’LL NEVER SPEAK TO AGAIN
“OK I’m going to be really really fast” you’re telling a girl behind you who keeps retching, her friend is holding her up. You will not let this girl go in front of you, your charity will not stretch that far. But you will pee quickly – and then drop your phone on the floor and rummage around in your bag for it while someone bangs on the door and shouts “HURRY UP”. All told you’ll be in there like 15-20 minutes and by the time you’ll come back she’s already thrown up in the sink.
YOU COMFORT A STRANGER WHO’S CRYING
“What’s wrong with her?” you’re slurring to the three girls who are surrounding her – presumably this stranger’s friends – and completely ignoring their protests to leave it well alone. She’s crying over her dickhead ex-boyfriend, and you also have a dickhead ex-boyfriend, so obviously you immediately have a bond.
You perch down beside her on the floor and let her sob into your shoulder, with tons of “I know babes, I know”. Eventually your friends will come retrieve you but you will not leave without checking if she’s OK.
YOU BECOME THE CRYING GIRL IN THE CORNER
You held off for as long as you could, but at some point in the night you will become that girl, crying in the corner of the toilets about some fuckboy, telling anyone who will listen that you “just can’t do it anymore”. You’re comforted by a swarm of drunk girls all telling you he’s not worth it, you can do better etc. etc. as you nod your head and try to clean your mascara stained face. 10 minutes later, you’re heading home with that very same fuckboy.
YOU GET REALLY INTO SOMEONE’S DRESS/SHOES/COAT
“Oh my god I love your top! Where did you get it??? No you did not. No you did not get it in Primark shut up! Oh my god how much? I have to get one. Can I take a picture of you? I need this oh my god it suits you so much. No you’re welcome! Love it love it love it.”
DESPITE THE POSITIVE VIBES, YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS WILL BITCH ABOUT A GIRL NOT THERE THAT YOU HATE
The girls bathroom is not meant for negativity. You’re there to support each other, to hold each other up not bring each other down. There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support other women after all, and all of that. But also look at the Instagram of that bitch who tried to get with your friend’s boyfriend at a house party last week.
You all talk about how your tearful friend is prettier, skinnier, funnier, nicer and generally better than her, crammed together in a cubicle. Then you’ll hug, agree to forget him and dance, and pretend that the horrible things you’ve said about another women haven’t shaken the foundations of the sisterhood.
SOMEONE WILL GET THEIR PERIOD UNEXPECTEDLY
Get them a tampon and laugh hysterically when they turn it into a positive – “I’m not pregnant!!!”. Mazel tov.
YOUR FRIEND HOLDS YOUR HAIR WHILE YOU THROW UP
She’s probably the one that made you come in here in the first place. She knows what’s best for you, and you weren’t looking great. Throw up alone and you feel sad, lonely and ashamed, but with a friend you can laugh it off, clean up your face and head back out for another.
YOUR FRIEND MIGHT PUT HER FINGERS DOWN YOUR THROAT TO HELP YOU THROW UP
You both realistically want to keep partying, she’s just trying to help you out with that. God she’s such a good friend.
YOU RUN OUT OF TOILET ROLL AND HAVE TO DRIP DRY
There’s a special place in hell for the girls who walk out of the cubicle before you without a warning.
YOU DESPERATELY NEED A TAMPON AND APPEAL TO SEVERAL STRANGERS FOR HELP
Eventually the seventh or eighth girl you ask hands you a super jumbo and you’re like OK guess I’m gonna down the rest of this drink and try to shove this inside me for the next half hour.
YOU TRY AND CALL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS THAT YOU’VE LOST
Who are you kidding, they’re not going to hear you unless they’re in the bathroom too.
SO YOU CALL YOUR EX INSTEAD
As you sit down on the loo, you get a moment alone, a moment to contemplate. You have to call him, you need to call him, now is the best time to call him.
YOUR FRIEND TELLS YOU YOU DON’T NEED TO APPLY ANY MORE MAKEUP
She’s just jealous, you tell yourself.
YOU TELL SOMEONE THEY HAVE AN AMAZING BOD
You’ll begin with an apology, then launch into a waterfall of compliments about her figure. Such a scenario outside the girls’ loo would probably be received awkwardly, or would end up with them just thinking you’re hitting on them. But this, this is the girls’ loo, the place where we unite as one force.
YOU MAKE BEST FRIENDS WITH THE TOILET ATTENDANT
But she still won’t give you any of her beautiful gifts for free.
YOU’LL TAKE, AFTER 2505810801 ATTEMPTS, A GROUP SELFIE YOU’RE ALL HAPPY WITH
“Profile pic, yassss, profile pic!” you’re all agreeing loudly. You post it down the group chat the next day. One girl has her eye’s closed and someone’s boob is fully out. It is not a profile pic. It’s not even a cover photo.
THE DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS AND CONFESSIONS COME TO LIGHT AS ONE GIRL IS PEEING AND THE OTHER IS HOLDING HER BAG
She has never told you this secret before, she has never told anyone. Neither of you will mention it ever again once you leave the hallowed walls of this bathroom.
YOU REALISE HOW DRUNK YOU ARE
Why is it that you never realise how drunk you are until you shut the cubicle door of the toilet? It’s a defining moment of every night – amplified if there’s a mirror facing you to stare at your hazy, smiling mess of a reflection. Drunk you thinks now is the best time to think about every little thing you really shouldn’t be thinking about right now: is anyone else as wasted as me? Who’s going to wash up the kitchen when you get home? Shall I call that guy I slept with once six weeks ago?
YOU ALL GATHER IN A CIRCLE, STRIP NAKED AND WORSHIP THE DEVIL
What you didn’t know this? That’s why we all go to the bathroom together. Duh.
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