The ‘hey baby girl’ YouTube video turns five years old today and I still cannot watch it
Try to get past the word ‘Briona’ without pouring bleach on your corneas you can’t do it
2012 was a wild time. Ice Age 4 (Continental Drift) had just been released, people listened to Gangnam Style voluntarily, and topless 14-year-old Magmaflower was really into his girlfriend Briona, so he made her this video – exactly five years ago today.
12th April 2012 was their seven month anniversary, which is obviously a huge deal, but Magmaflower (his real name is Dominick) probably didn’t expect that his declaration of love would go viral. It was featured on BuzzFeed and Know Your Meme, and has since gained nearly three million views. Dominick even made his own “Stay Perfect, Just For Me” t-shirts and his girlfriend Briona had to make a follow up video proving she was real.
I still can’t watch it.
I get like 30 seconds in, and after the first air kiss my fight or flight reaction makes me shut the tab. Even after all this time, I can’t fight the gut feeling that Dominick is going to creep into my room at night, flay me alive and wear my skin as a cape when he picks Briona up for homecoming. If, like me, you can’t stomach the entire video, even on this day, the hallowed anniversary, then here’s the full script:
Hi baby girl [creepy laugh]. I just wanted to wish you happy seven month anniversary babe. I love you, you know that right? I do! I love you so much. I love you more than there are all the hairs on every cat that Mr McHugh owns [creepy laugh]. You know if I had even an eighth of a penny for every time that you were on my mind I’d be richer than everyone in the world all combined [whispered] into one. I love you more than there are all the snowflakes in Russia. And I’m never gonna stop loving you no matter what happens, and you can count on me to keep that promise. I love you. I can’t wait to see you later. Love you so very much. Bye babe, and remember, stay perfect – just for me.
In a Q&A video filmed in October the same year, Dominick confirmed he and Briona had broken up, “because she’s a psycho”. What’s the point of even looking for love if these two crazy kids can’t make it? I give up.