Alright, I have some very serious questions about 13 Reasons Why

So just like everyone else on your Facebook feed, I finished 13 Reasons Why a few days ago. And just like all your friends, I have my own ~hot takes~ about it, but this article really isn’t about that. This is about some serious fucking questions I need answers to.

As a clinically depressed gal, I was pretty excited to see something talk about suicide and suicide ideation in an honest way, but instead I walked away with 13 burning questions about 13 Reasons Why.

1. Sorry, but in what universe could the guy who played Tony pass for a teen?

Tony is like, 50. Yes, he’s cute and nice and a great like, spirit guide or whatever he was supposed to be, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s a grown-ass man. He’s 1,000. Tony has a mortgage, Tony pays taxes, Tony might have a grandchild on the way.

He’s old as hell. You know why he has a tape player in his car? Because that’s probably what he listened to as an actual teen. His vintage Mustang was brand new when he got it at age 16, I’m sure of it.

2. How did the custodians ignore all that bathroom graffiti?

I was in high school before the real rise of social media, before bullying really became the topic du jour. And even back then, nothing could be written on the bathroom wall without it being magically scrubbed off by the attentive custodial staff hours later.

I mean, one time someone wrote the word “Hoe” (no attribution, just the word) and the principal came to take pictures of it just in case. So sorry, but I have a super hard time believing that HANNAH BAKER IS A CUM DUMPSTER could be scrawled on the bathroom wall and left up for months.

3. So all these teens are just tatted tf up, huh?

Seriously, what kind of teens just have like, full chest pieces and sleeves and neck tattoos and stuff?

There’s no where in America that legally allows under-18s to get tattoos, even with parental permission, so it’s pretty damn hard to believe that everyone has multiple giant pieces covering their body. Would it have been so difficult to slap some Kat Von D tattoo concealer on Justin’s BARBWIRE BICEP TATTOO??

4. What teacher thought the compliment bags would be a good idea?

In real life, if kids were allowed to anonymously drop notes for each other into bags, you know what they’d all consist of? Dicks. Dicks. Dicks. Dicks for days. There’d be more dicks out than a post-Gaga concert Grindr meetup. It would just be an ultimate spot for kids to troll each other. I mean, Hannah was getting bullied and you’re seriously gonna look me in the eyes and say no one put a note in her bag that said “Like ur fat ass, ma”? Get outta here.

5. I guess cell phone silencers don’t exist?

Not only did everyone have their iPhones out at school like, all the time but the kids didn’t even bother to put them on silent or vibrate. Like what kind of brazen-ass, disrespectful kids just left the full ringer on?? And the teachers didn’t even care they were just like, “Pay attention, guys!”

6. How the hell would Hannah just not have friends?

There’s no way she’d be that big of a loner. She was pretty and fun and nice. There are thousands of kids in that school. You’re telling me no one wanted to be her friend?

Because, what? A photo went around of her underwear? As a former certified Teen™ I can say in full faith that she would wouldn’t have been ostracized, especially considering she’s clearly not even posing or aware the picture is happening.

7. What kind of rich-ass school has a dark room?

NO ONE HAS ARTS FUNDING, THIS IS FAKE NEWS. I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A MATH TEXTBOOK JUNIOR YEAR, THERE WOULDN’T BE A DARK ROOM.

8. How one high school counselor be so damn stupid?

OK, so my question is how the hell did Mr. Porter know exactly who all the kids hung out with and their friend groups but didn’t have a clue that these rumors/photos were circulating.

Also, was he sedated? Like I understand that he was supposed to be kind of uninterested and removed but seriously, he acted/looked drugged. He literally looked like he could nod off at any minute.

9. What would have happened if no one had cassette players?

You know what I would have to do if someone dropped a bunch of important tapes in my lap?

Order a damn player on Amazon because I don’t know a single earthly soul that has a tape player just at the ready. And sorry, but I’m not paying for two-day shipping either. I’m not a millionaire.

10. I clocked all of Hannah’s outfits, and there’s no way she was poor

I know Urban Outfitters when I see it! I recognized several $79 dresses on Hannah, so that’s the tea on that. Fake-ass costume department.

11. Her parent’s store only sold junk, so no wonder it was failing

Seriously? Who the hell sells packs of cassette tapes? Like who would ever buy that? It would be a stretch if they sold CDs for fuck’s sake. Also, razor blades just out there in the open, not even locked in a glass case.

Go to Wal-Mart right now and try to shoplift razor blades. Seriously, get up and go. Coo, you’re back. You couldn’t do it, right? OF COURSE NOT because in the real world, that shit’s locked up next to the Sharpies and cough syrup.

12. Alex could have never gotten a certified baddie like Jess

Alex with his platinum hair, nose ring and nasal voice could have never scooped a regulation hottie like Jess.

And she certainly wouldn’t have been devastated by their breakup. She has other irons in the fire.

13. How dare you? How fucking dare you?

Jeff deserved better.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● These high school seniors are sharing real 13 Reasons Why tapes – listen to them here 
● Selena Gomez’s response to the 13 Reasons Why backlash is a non-answer and not helpful
● If you suffer from poor mental health, avoid watching 13 Reasons Why at all costs