If they don’t start making women’s clothes with pockets in them I am going to call the police

There’s not much to complain about in this world anymore as a modern woman, I’m sure you’ll agree. Kendall Jenner singlehandedly ended police brutality and racism when she handed over that Pepsi can, so there’s no need to protest. We can cross the road, drive a car, and they even have male servers at Hooters now, so gender equality is basically already here. Theres just one thing holding us back.

Why won’t they just make women’s clothes with proper fucking pockets in?

Clothes are expensive. Girls’ clothes are particularly expensive (nobody knows why, it’s one of those great mysteries of life I guess). The average woman, in fact, spends £500,000 – around $615,000 – on fashion in her lifetime. That’s practically a million, let’s round it up. Let that sink in. Before you die, you will spend nearly o n e  m i l l i o n  on clothes which don’t have adequate fucking pocket space.

Currently pockets are a wonderful surprise when you’re buying clothes. You know how it goes; you’re wearing a skirt or dress, a girl, potentially in the club bathroom, will say to you “I love your skirt!” and you will say “Thanks, it has pockets!” and turn out the pockets like a happy child and everyone in the conversation will be shocked and awed and impressed. It doesn’t have to be this way guys. Pockets should not be a novelty. Pockets should not be a luxury. We deserve more.

Do all of you even realise how deep the pockets are in men’s clothing? That’s not even a sugar daddy “ha ha he got deep pockets” joke. They literally have huge pockets. Get up from where you’re sitting and find a friend, boyfriend, relative or colleague who is a man and ask them to turn out their pockets. I guarantee you that in those jeans they’ll be carrying their keys, wallet, phone, earphones, receipts, loose change and all of your emotional energy. And they’ll have room to spare. I know, it’s infuriating.

I wouldn’t even mind as much, maybe, if clothes didn’t play with emotions and expectations with fake pockets so often. Fake pockets are the scourge of the universe. They are sent to test us. Some of my winter coats don’t even have pockets. I don’t understand why designers assume that I  – and by extension all women – want to risk getting Victorian chilblains over just putting a tiny fold of extra material into their clothes.

Jokes aside, the whole pocket thing is pretty ridiculous. In a piece on the political and sexist history of the pocket-double-standard, Chelsea Summers, referencing Christian Dior’s hate speech that “men have pockets to keep things in, women’s are for decoration”, writes: “Men’s dress is designed for utility; women’s dress is designed for beauty. It’s not a giant leap to see how pockets, or the lack thereof, reinforce sexist ideas of gender. Men are busy doing things; women are busy being looked at. Who needs pockets?”

I need pockets. You need pockets. We need pockets. We all have things to do, and often I lose my keys at the bottom of my bag and I waste approximately three to five per cent of my day looking for them in a panic. You know what would stop that?

Pockets, comrades. Pockets.

@rosielanners