There are only two kinds of people in this world: those who prefer Snapchat stories, and those who prefer Instagram
Tag yourself, I’m Snapchat
by Amanda Ross
Before you start bellyaching to "get you a girl that can do both", have a talk with your true self and decide which one is your favorite. Even parents have a favorite child, so I know your ass has a favorite app.
Look, we can all be divided up into two groups: Instagram Story Girls, and Snapchat Story Girls. Here's what it aaaall means:
If you're an Instagram Story Girl….
Have you ever said the words "people underestimate me because of the way I look?" Have you ever purchased multiple VSCO Cam filter packages in a single sitting? Do you relate deeply and personally to that scene in The Devil Wears Prada where Miranda & Co. all seriously contemplate the differences between those two "completely identical" turquoise belts?
(Sidebar: To find that video, I started Googling the words "belt scene" and HORRIFYING THINGS popped up, don't make my mistakes, my children).
If you prefer Instagram stories, you're oriented by aesthetics, art, and beauty. You're probably a Libra or a Taurus or a Pisces and you care very much about your aesthetic. If you have a Tumblr, I'd go out on a limb as to say that it's very popular and equally well-curated.
To you, Instagram Stories are an extension of your actual Instagram. It's well-filtered, well-shot and well-loved by your tons of followers. Think of it as your b-side record: good enough for the album, but not the prime real estate. I'm not an Instagram Story Girl, but I wish I was. This brings me to Snapchat Story Girls.
If you're a Snapchat Story Girl….
Bitch, when can we hang out??? Because I know you're fun as fuck. Snapchat Story Girl are consistently the life of the party. They'll throw it, get it going, Snapchat the shit out of it, and then leave when it's in full-swing without saying goodbye to anyone.
Have you ever lip-synced a J.Cole song while filming yourself? Do you currently have a cracked iPhone, possibly caused by trying to Snapchat a concert, party or riot? Do you wholly and fully identify with everything about "the old Serena" on Gossip Girl?
If you prefer Snapchat Stories, you are lively, fun, loud, funny as fuck and maybe a low-key mess. But in a good way! You always know how to lay the greatest thirst traps, the more hilarious captions for your pictures, the best way to secretly photograph someone wilding out on the subway.
Let's think of it in terms of Kardashians because, like math, they're a universal language.
Kim = Instagram
Kylie = Snapchat
Kourtney = Instagram
Khloe = Snapchat
Kendall = Dead to me
If you're a Facebook Story Girl….
I'm praying for you :///
Bet you can’t tell the difference between Curvy Wife Guy’s book and the Unabomber manifesto
Which awful book did we read?
by Harry Shukman
The 21st Century's number one trickster is Robbie Tripp, aka The Curvy Wife Guy, sometimes called The Thicc Wife Guy. He's the horny weirdo who went viral with a deeply weird Instagram post about his wife: "Her shape and size won't be the one featured on the cover of Cosmopolitan but it's the one featured…
Your weekly horoscopes are here, and they come with a major warning
Things are about to get messy
by Codi Cheyenne
CAUTION: Look out for September 18 as a day full of erratic energy and a desire to rebel thanks to Mars squaring Uranus for the third time this year. If you don’t find a healthy place to release this energy, it’ll most likely turn into stressful conflict that can even physically manifest itself in the…
That weird ‘Curvy Wife Guy’ hates us :(
‘I was often teased for my attraction to girls on the thicker side, ones who were shorter and curvier’
by Harry Shukman
Whoever said heroes come in all shapes and sizes clearly never imagined that one day, The Curvy Wife Guy would come onto this earth and declare himself a martyr for thiccness. Also known as The Thicc Wife Guy, né Robbie Tripp, he first appeared on your timeline with this horny and unsettling post about his…