BREAKING: Donald Trump doesn’t get spray tans
What he actually uses is far more insidious
by Amanda Ross
I’ve known for years that women’s magazines break way better and more interesting news than almost any other outlet. I say this with zero sarcasm, and I say that I say this with zero sarcasm because the next thing I’m about to say could be perceived as sarcastic:
In an amazing feat of journalism, Marie Claire has unlocked the secrets of Donald Trump’s orange hue.
I’m not Chandler Bing-ing it — the discovery really is amazing.
Marie Claire got in touch with Not My President Trump’s makeup artist from the 2016 RNC, Jason Kelly, to figure out what exactly gave him that freshly-exhumed-corpse-covered-in-Jergens-lotion glow. You know, the exact glean every bride wants for her big day.
I had some theories:
-Fell into a chemical pool of Rico’s nacho cheese
-Covered in radioactive Russian hooker piss from the ruins of Chernobyl
-Got nutted on by Chester Cheeto and all his friends in a bukkake
-Contoured face with crushed up Doritos Locos Tacos or, as some people know them, simply Doritos
-Born this way
Alas, I was wrong. Even though the prevailing theory is that D.T. spray tans his way into looking like a bowl of melted Circus Peanuts with a tooth stuck in it, that’s not what actually goes down.
“He didn’t have any liquid or cream foundation on, or spray tan actually,” Kelly told Marie Claire of Donald’s pre-RNC look.
In his expert opinion, Kelly concluded that Trump uses a tanning bed. Yes, like a teen girl in 2004. Remember on Laguna Beach when Kristin and her friend both got in adjacent tanning beds and then called each other on their flip-phones?
“I could tell he definitely does the tanning bed—or some sort of tanning with some sort of light—because he has that abrupt contrast around his eyes where they wear those goggles,” Kelly said.
Well, fuck. And note how I am NOT including a very obvious but very mean skin cancer joke/line here. I’m so kind.
Do you think he has one in the White House?
Aaron Carter crying about IPAs is all of us on dates with ‘indie’ guys
Please don’t make me drink this pisswater
by Una Dabiero
Saturday, Aaron Carter was arrested in Georgia for reckless driving. So last night, he went on Entertainment Tonight to clear his name. How? By tearfully telling everyone that he doesn’t drink liquor or IPAs. In one sentence, Aaron Carter managed to be the most relatable star of all time. He somehow encapsulated the fear and…
Someone reimagined fast food mascots as sexy men and I’m ready for death to take me
I can never face my family again
by Amanda Ross
I know I throw around “I’m ready for the Lord to take me” a lot, but I don’t think I’ve ever truly meant it until now. The skies weep. The earth is crumbling. The Hamburgler is hot. A Filipino illustrator known only as Ozumii Wizard decided they wanted me to have weird feelings on this otherwise-ok…
I lived a week like it was 2007 and it was so freaking ridonkulous
Abercrombie lewks galore
by Una Dabiero
2007. It was the best of times and the worst of times. Specifically, it was the worst of times for Britney Spears, who had her iconic head-shave that year and the best of times for basically everyone else. We got the iPhone and Miley Cyrus’ first world tour in the same year. Iconic. I started…