I wore lingerie as outerwear and am literally about to set the rest of my wardrobe on fire right now
I have never been so worried about popping a tit while doing simple tasks like reaching for a pen or breathing
"Boy, that's a lot of flesh," I hear as I ask a co-worker a simple question about Facebook. "So?" I respond with a confused look to make him super uncomfortable for commenting on my clothing, or lack thereof. "Never mind, what's up?" he says avoiding anymore talk relating to my exposed skin.
Thing is, he wasn't wrong. It was a lot of flesh, some may argue too much flesh for a Tuesday, but not me — I was on a mission, a very lacey mission.
Welcome to my week of wearing lingerie as outerwear.
This wasn't a simple I'm going to wear a bralette as a crop top and hope no one notices moment we've all found ourselves in on a Friday night. No no, this was a week of pulling out all the tricks to make that sexy little number I've had sitting unseen in my closet for three years acceptable to wear out for coffee. And damn, did I have to get crafty.
Silk pajama top paired with a knee-length grey skirt
I started off small with look that got the OK from my best friend who said "You've got the sexy secretary vibe going on," making it completely legit to wear outside the four walls of my bedroom.
As expected, the walk to work got the usual looks from the construction guys on my block — they'll catcall a turtleneck so I wasn't convinced it was the skimpy tank top turning heads.
That wasn't the case, however, once I got to the office. The combination of silk, spaghetti straps and transparent lace around my cleavage attracted some concerned looks which I very casually tried to avoid.
All was well until I actually had to start doing things with my day and quickly realized the possibilities of me popping a tit today were an easy 9/10.
After that moment everything I did with my day came with a tit-popping warning sign, resulting in my eyes staring down at my cleavage more often than a teenage boy would.
My determination to wear this look the entire day without covering it up was met with a breaking point when the office temperature got a bit too cold for my nipples.
But, as I covered myself up I felt like a girl in school who's forced to put a sweatshirt on over her cute top because boys would get aroused. So I took that shit off and hoped to make a few people uncomfortable.
By the end of the day no comments about my look were made and no tits were popped. Win!
Blue jeans, layered lace bodysuit
This layered lace combo has already seen the inside of a club before, but never the inside of my office.
Of course, the week I decide to wear lingerie as outerwear my cycle was all "Why not take some bloating and PMS to match, bitch?" leaving me feeling like a whale in a bathing suit.
On the plus side, all tit-popping worries from the day before were put behind me because thank fuck this look was way more secure and the girls stayed firmly in place all day.
However, I can't say that for other areas of my body. Any and all fat around my stomach was alive and well and more visible that it should be, hence the much deserved comments about all my ~flesh~.
There was also the issue of getting fully naked when all I wanted to do is pee. Having to undress at least five times a day within 10 feet of some co-workers felt really wrong, even with a layer of plaster dividing us.
Just as day one, the exposed skin and air conditioning combo became a bit too much and I had to put sweater on. But at least I got told I look hawttt before I did.
To take this look to the maximum, one day I plan to wear this leotard as is — without the secondary layer of lace that politely hides my nipples from the world. Soon.
Don't mind me I'm just making a statement in my patterned silk robe
There are two types of people — the ones who thought I was making a really bold fashion statement and the ones who thought I forgot to get dressed in the morning.
They were both right.
The compliments were rolling in all day — sure they were mostly to comment their relief that I was wearing more than yesterday, but I'll take it.
I paired the robe I'm used to wearing while naked in the comfort of my own home with nothing more than a bralette and black jeans. I did, however, spend a good five minutes that morning contemplating if I should put a top on just in case the robe came undone, but ended up not caving into the addition of any normal fabrics.
And thank fuck I didn't because that would have been one more layer added to the heat storm going on in my body. Because unlike the previous days, I wanted to take layers off rather than put more on, but unfortunately a lacy blue bralette isn't considered Wednesday work attire, yet.
The robe's soft silky fabric was sticking to my body for a good half of the day and I struggled to figure out what feeling was worse — the unbearable heat or randomly exposing a tit in its entirety at a meeting.
Did you know this top was actually a nightgown? Gotcha
By this look I was sure I would never wear real clothes again and had completely forgotten I was wearing lingerie — specifically a low-cut see-through nightgown.
Initially thinking I could put some tights on and call it fashion, I quickly realized my entire ass would be out in the open. So, I got crafty and pulled a skirt over it.
Thanks to the nightie's low cut, everyone's eyes go straight to the boobage — not the ideal situation you want to be in when interviewing a potential hire. Mid-way through asking about her skills I realized I should probably put the girls away behind a cute jacket. They've been seen enough.
By this look it finally happened — people had caught on to what I was doing and my jig was up.
My guess is it was because I wasn't in my usual sweatshirt and jeans that gave me away, or the fact you could see too much of me while I slouched over my laptop.
Either way, everyone had accepted it.
The lacey slip defying all gravity
The cleavage. Oh, the cleavage. So much of it. So tight. So in a fight with gravity.
The day had come, the day I knew I had to break out the lacy number I bought three years ago that no guy has even seen because I haven't been on more than a third date in over five years.
I literally hadn't seen this much of my cleavage since I discovered push-up bras in high school. But damn, I looked good.
With the boobs out in full force, it was kind of a blessing I had broken out because there was no way in hell anyone would be looking at my face. Except for the girl sitting across from me at the coffee shop. She did glance at me in what could only be described as unbridled disgust.
The main goal of the day was to tone the rest of the outfit down, something I had become an expert at. It was as easy as getting free drinks off strangers at a bar.
My tits hadn't been in boob jail for over two years, so by the end of the day they were practically trying to dig an escape tunnel with a spoon. Even my mom was made uncomfortable on our FaceTime call.
Something I had forgotten about push-up bras? The fact they hurt like an absolute bitch. 14 hours and two glasses of wine later I caved and changed back into something that didn't make me want to apologize to my breasts the entire night.
Thank god I did because I would have had to explain a number of tit-popping incidents to the entire dance floor.
I continued wearing lingerie on all my outings through the weekend (brunching in just a bralette and see-through top was a sight) but had to get creative with looks I had already worn before because that shit's expensive.
A recap of my week sponsored by Lace™
Lingerie has officially infiltrated my daily wardrobe and I've found myself heading to my drawer full of lace to decide what to wear before even looking at the weather. But then I remember that I'll probably pop a tit at some point and save it for the weekend.
Overall, sure guys stared at my boobs a whole lot more and I self-induced a neck cramp from spending most of my day looking down, but I looked and felt hella sexy and was practically a ninja fooling the world with my creative outfits. Plus, the transparency of lace offers a nice breeze ideal for summer.
Now excuse me while I burn all my other clothes.