There any many things in life of which I’m not certain: how the Internet actually works, what exactly gluten is, and how to be a chill, cool girl.
But you know what I do know with my full and complete heart? This is going to sound crazy and counterintuitive to every alternative fact you’ve ever heard from the hashtag lamestream media, but I’m going to declare it. This is my fight song.
Small dicks are the best dicks.
Look, I never set out to become a dickologist. Like most truly prolific careers, it just fell into my lap, so to speak. Or I fell into its lap? I’m trying to make a joke here but it’s not fully forming — just trust that I’m clever and saucy, OK? Let me walk you through the evidence:
Guys with small dicks have something to prove
It’s not the dick that makes the man, it’s the man who makes the dick. I think Confucius said that. And it’s true! Everything in men’s media is about being hung like the fucking Minotaur (toxic masculinity hurts everyone, y’all) so men with smaller packages have grown up feeling a little less-than.
I’ve seen enough television (not porn, definitely not porn) to know that tons of shit goes down in mens’ locker rooms and lots of them probably develop complexes about it. Which means they want to prove themselves, which means they’re out to fuck you senseless.
They’ve had to develop other specialties and skills
Men with tiny dicks know that society has (unfairly) set the bar pretty low for them, so they’re out to administer pleasure no matter the cost. You know how not-cute people are always the nicest and funniest because they’ve been forced to develop a personality? Same thing.
nobody’s dick is big when you think of how small we are in the universe
— maddy (@maddyradtke) April 22, 2017
Small dick dudes know all the moves and will make you come every single time. He’s practiced. That thing lots of straight dudes do where they just jackhammer away for 120 seconds, finish, and then ask if that was good for you? Yeah, not a thing with small dick dudes. For them, like Miley Cyrus, it’s about the climb — the journey, not the destination. I’m trying really hard not to say a destination: Pound Town thing here.
The alternative is just never really that great
To my darling Drake and other self-proclaimed big dick bandits, I’m sorry but you guys just aren’t that great. The same way hot women think they just have to lay there (can’t relate), guys with huge dicks think it’s enough to just jam it in over and over like a Disney tape stuck in your VCR.
I don’t care if your peen is so big it unfurls when you take off your pants — I’m not into it. Plus, it can like, hurt. You know? Love you guys, but I’m reverse dick prejudiced.
Guys with small dicks make better boyfriends
It boils down to a liiiittle something I like to call Dickdar (trademark Amanda Nicole Ross, 2017). As the name suggests, it’s radar for what a dude’s dick is gonna be like and similar to the Bend and Snap, it works every time. You can tell if a guy is going to be big or small by how they carry themselves and how nice they are. I’m serious. Think about it. Travel back through your dick rolodex and really give it some thought.
it's okay to be broke as fuck wit a small dick and ugly as fuck
— i need a girlfriend im 6’4 (@ilooklikelilbil) April 18, 2017
Guys with small dicks are just nicer, I’m telling you. Guys with huge dicks are…dicks. They know they’ve got it going on so they have no problem ghosting or just generally acting like a swaggering dickhead. I really wanted to use another word there instead of dickhead but nothing else felt quite right. SDG (small dick guys), like I mentioned before, have something to prove — and that extends to the world outside the bedroom too. They’re nicer, sweeter, funnier. Just better, sorry.
I’m dedicated to my field of study so it’s doubtful I’ll ever stop searching for the mystical not-horrible big dick. But until then, I’m totally happy with the tiny tools I’ve got in my DMs.