The most important question that needs answering when potentially going out with someone isn’t what their job is, how old they are, or their stance on rusty trombones – it’s whether they’re a cat or a dog person.
And obviously, if they reply they’re a cat person, you need to get the fuck out of there.
Now look, I’m not saying guys who prefer cats to dogs are potentially psychopaths. What I am saying is guys who prefer cats to dogs are definitely psychopaths and should be avoided at all costs.
The sinners are easy to spot – they’ll put the milk in their tea first, sleep with socks on and have a cat featured at least once a week on their Insta feed.
This may seem completely ridiculous, but liking cats more than dogs says a lot about a person. Known for being selfish, sinister beings ready to gouge your legs out with their claws as they “try to get comfy”, to like cats means the person liking them is probs gonna have the same attributes. They’re gonna be a snake, get a thrill from leaving dead birds in your bed and will be overly independent – they’ll probably go travelling on their own despite being with you for five years.
Talking of attributes, being the vain fucks cats are permanently preening their asshole in front of the television, male cat lovers are probably obsessively clean too. They’ll insist you shower before and after sex to not dirty their sheets, carry anti-bacterial hand gel like swine flu has made a comeback and don’t let you sit on the sofas because they’ve just plumped the cushions – all these things make them guilty of something.
Yeah, they might be an 8/10 on the outside, but will probably have several skeletons in their closet and skatty hobbies like ghost hunting and UFO spotting. Cats are skittish over nothing, meaning boys who like cats are also going to be skittish, and won’t let you walk under ladders or will dump you if a mirror cracks.
And if you’re still stupid enough to think they’re gonna hang around for awhile, cats are renowned for abandoning their owners without even saying goodbye, they will literally ghost you. So don’t be surprised that if your man likes cats more than dogs, he’ll probably fuck off at any given moment, ghost you, and turn up three years later shagging your neighbour.
If you’re still not convinced, just look at films and television. Dr. Evil in Austin Powers, or Snowball from Stuart Little, or all the cats in Cats and Dogs – even in the sequel they were nasty bastards. If after all these films a guy still likes cats over dogs, he is deranged.
The point is: do not trust them at all costs, they are Satan’s children doing the devil’s work.