If you suggest shower sex one more time, I’m calling 911 on your sadistic ass


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If you suggest shower sex one more time, I’m calling 911 on your sadistic ass

Why not just waterboard me while you’re at it?

Has anyone in the history of time ever had a good shower sex experience?

I don’t think so. I’d be willing to be that even back in ancient times when taking a shower meant standing under a waterfall or an elephant squirting water from its trunk or whatever that it was still a miserable experience.

Everyone knows that trying to get it on the shower is always a bad idea, but every single time it’s brought up, I agree like a total moron only to end up with the opposite of no ragrets.

It’s hard to coordinate

I’d venture to say that most heterosexual couples have height differences and if you’re thot height (like me at 5’1″), it’s very difficult to have your…parts line up with your 6-foot-plus partner’s.

You can’t sit down without getting waterboarded, you can’t bend over unless there’s a stool and would rather not die in a horrific shower accident because he tried to pick me up and slipped and my Clarisonic somehow decapitated me. Or whatever. I physically cannot understand how anyone can get a penis in their assorted holes in a shower unless you’re the exact same height like some kind of scary twincest situation.

It’s not arousing or sexy

Especially because they always trying to spring it on you in the morning when you need to shower anyway. Like yeah whatever you can rub soap on my ass I guess but can you get my pits too because me getting clean is more important than you nutting. Is this something that only men can get off to?

Like Hannah Horvath, I find this whole thing repulsive

Like Hannah Horvath, I find this whole thing repulsive

Because you pushing my expensive Tocca soap around on my boobs and asking “if I like that” isn’t a ~fUn N sExXy~ time for me. Plus, water washes away all natural lubrication (fuck, I hate that word) so how is this even supposed to work?

It’s impossible to focus on anything but yourself

I never look worse than right when I get into the shower. I’ve got goosebumps, fogged up eyes and my melting makeup makes me look like a jar of mayonnaise someone left in the sun. In other words, I do not look fuckable. You know what looks worse? My upright body in the low lighting of that shower. My shower looks like a cleaner version of the Saw bathroom — the lighting is horrible.

What the lighting in my bathroom looks like

What the lighting in my bathroom looks like

I look like that naked statue of Donald Trump someone left in an NYC park. When I’m laying down in bed, I can werk my angles and contort my body into something that doesn’t resemble a handful of children’s silly putty someone pulled out from in between the couch cushions. In the shower, it’s the worst version of me and I can’t focus on getting someone else (let alone me) off if I feel trapped in an episode of Naked and Afraid.

Water: It just gets everywhere

In your eyes, in your mouth, in your nose. ISIS should just make people fuck in the shower because it’s the most effective torture method I’ve ever had the misfortune of experiencing.


Guys, it’s just the worst. Please stop asking me to do it. I’ll trade anything in exchange for never having to fuck in the shower again. Yes, even that. OK, ok, maybe not that. I have a headache, maybe later.

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