Your Babe Guide: How to successfully pull off a one-night stand
The complete who, what, where, when, how
I know you know, but just really quick for the woefully uninitiated:
One-night stands aren't for everyone. Some girls only want to sleep with people they're in love with, some reserve it for people they've at least met a few times. One-night stands, though, as impersonal as they may seem are the best thing you're kinda-sorta-maybe missing out on. If you have done it or do it, congrats. If you're stand-curious, we're here to help:
Selecting your target
Pro-tip: do not bed serial killers! Easier said than done, I know. Kidding, but in all seriousness: we live in crazy time, you guys. Frivolous sex is all fun and good and pure until you end up on the 8 o'clock news. And while there's no surefire way to tell that you're not picking up a Ted Bundy in Vineyard Vines clothing (he was kinda hot tho, sorry), you can takes steps to make sure you're locking in on the best possible sex friend.
My greatest fear on Facebook is to be tagged by a one night stand looool
— Itumeleng kwadi (@ItuKwadi) April 25, 2017
If you're hunting in real life, look for guys who came with friends. No lone wolves, please! We need witnesses. Men rolling deep with a crew means they came to talk to women. But you know what's even better? Guys that are at the bar/club/McDonald's with a co-ed friend group. Sorry, but women are just intuitive and close female friends means he's probably semi-normal.
If trawling for some sex online, be it via Tinder, Bumble, Farmer's Only or J-Date, things luckily get a bit easier. I know it's part of the one-night stand experience to know a little as possible about your partner but safety is first — you gotta know if they're convicted pedophile or a Demi Lovato fan or something else insidious. This is THE tip: when you've moved from the in-app message phase to the texting phase, save their number and then go into Snapchat and you can see what their username is without adding them. The username is almost always their full name so you can creep on Insta, Twitter, Facebook and the FBI most wanted registry.
How to prepare
There's two parts to prepping for a casual fúckíng — emotional and physically. Emotionally, you have to know that you'll probably never see them again. All seems like NBD until you're laughing over pre-bone drinks and think how nice it would be to see them during daylight hours. It is what it is — they know this is a one-off and you should too. It's fine!
Physically, I can't tell you what to do with yourself too much because that's personal. Shaved, unshaved, makeup, no makeup, it's all pretty unique except for two things: smelling good and wearing matching underwear. Smelling good is a no-brainer. Keep it fresh and don't go ape shit on the perfume and don't even think about spraying it down there! Seriously, your gyno and I will hunt you down and kill you. Matching underwear is so underrated, you have to do it. You'll feel good, they'll like it, everyone will have fun.
Snapping the trap
Your plans are laid, and soon you will be too. You've either got your target ready to meet up or you're about to go in for the IRL kill. Sounds wild, but just trust me: when you kiss, just bite their lip kind of hard and give them a look. And oh my god, it's on!
Personally, I prefer going back to my house because it's comfortable, convenient for me, and I know where I keep the kitchen knives. If you're going back to his, take an Uber (on your phone!) for the record of where you're going and drop a pin when you get there for your friends — just in case! Sorry to be such a mom about it, but like I said, we live in crazy times.
Bring condoms or whatever your preferred contraception is. Do not trust him to just have it, and for the love of god, please don't wing it. You do not want to end up diseased or pregnant and having no idea who the dad is other than "His name is Mark and he lives in Red Hook and I thiiiiink he does something with clay? Maybe pottery?" Take care of yourself because no one else will.
The next day
Up to you, but in my opinion the move is to just sneak out. You got what you wanted, it was great (or not), time to bounce.
Feel free to stick around for morning sex though but only once you've snuck off the bathroom to squirt some toothpaste in your mouth and manically paw at your bedhead bangs. The key is to never overstay your welcome, though. No one likes a lingerer. If you're ready for him to GTFO and he won't, say you've got to head out to meet a friend. For the love of god, do not say you need to shower — you'll never be rid of him.
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