Being on top is a fate worse than death, and it’s time we all just admit it
Why do you have to ruin the sex session, ugh
There’s no combination of words in the human language that can make my blood run cold like the dreaded “Get on top.”
Seriously, when are we as women going to rise up and finally end this torturous practice that is — and I’m going to use a science term here — total fucking bullshit.
It’s literally the worst angle to be seen from
There’s a reason why every selfie you take is from a camera position of about three inches above your face: it’s flattering as hell.
You know when you open Snapchat but you forgot to turn the camera around and you catch a glimpse of your face shot from below and you consider flinging yourself into the see? Yeah, that’s not an angle I want to be seen from, and especially not naked.
This is what I look like when I get on top:
If he’s on top, I get my precious above-angle selfie look which leads to me feeling more confident which leads to me letting him do stuff normally reserved for birthdays and non-religious holidays.
I’m just lazy as fuck and not too proud to say it
OK, I’m not a dead fish, but it’s a lot of work doing to actual sexing.
I’m tired. I had to spend 8 hours writing trash articles like this, then come home and play with my cat (not a euphemism) and shop for makeup online. My day was hard, dude. I don’t have a Thigh Master for a reason — I am way to lazy to exert any kind of necessary physical activity.
So I’m sorry, but if you tell me to get on top one more time, I will call the police.
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