If you have the same bitmoji as me, I swear to god I will sue you
She belongs to me, do you understand?
by Una Dabiero
You meet a new girl on Bumble BFF. She’s cool as fuck. You go to spin class together and then get gelato. She gives you her number and her Snap. You are already dreaming of your 100-day streak when she sends you a picture of her yorkipoo. Then, you see it.
That little bitmoji face, staring adoringly at that little yorkipoo — it’s the thing of your nightmares.
That bitch stole your bitmoji.
If I know you and you have the same bitmoji as me, I swear to god I will sue you. In America, things aren’t looking very good for human rights. Corporations may have more rights than people, but one of the rights we have left is the right to our own damn likeness. You better believe I would roll over dead before I let someone take that away from me.
In the US of A, Michael Jordan made $8.9 million dollars by suing a grocery store for telling him he was a good basketball player. I have full confidence I can make at least a few hundred dollars off Becky being a bitmoji-stealing snake.
I mean, according to bitmoji, there are “literally billions of possible combinations” for your bobble-headed mini-me. There’s no excuse for stealing my one of a kind identity. The court will believe me over you. So get your own damn nose and then delete me forever.
Or at least until spin tomorrow, because we both know I have such bad social anxiety at the gym that I just fart all the time when I’m alone, so I like really need you.